It wasn't supposed to be love

It was never supposed to be

I fooled myself many times before, but my heart keeps on calling you

Before I tried to run away

I tried to push a step away

But even then you were growing bigger inside me

"Still by Lee Hong Ki" I scrubbed down on my post-it. A potential song to sing. I sighed deeply before folding the paper into half.

No no no no, it's not good enough…

I stare at the whiteboard as my finger continued to toy with the paper, eventually making a paper rose. I gaze down on my table.

One..Two...Five...T-Ten?!

In a span of five minutes, I had already went through 10 potential songs to sing to get over this pathetic crush. I had wasted 10 perfectly good piece of paper as well. "Yo Khim! What are you- What the... Class haven't even start and you already made 10?" I stared at Pierre, troubled. This stupid, dense, shi- Ahem.

"You want some of them? Or even better, take all of them." He shook his head. "Nah no thanks. I still have five left in my pencil case from last time." I averted my gaze towards the whiteboard trying to avoid eye contact with him.

How is it possible to hate yet like someone so much?

My fingers played around with the flowers, tossing them in the air and pushing them back and forth. Without noticing, 30 minutes of the first period had already passed. "Ash? What's your answer for question three?" I jolted up. "Ah yes!" My hands frantically searched my entire table for my worksheet. "My answer was 36.7cm²." Mr Yi nodded in reply. "Sit down." I sat back down, resuming my daydream.

"Khim ENNNN!" Again I jolted up. "I need to lock the classroom bro, hurry up." I quickly checked the clock.

12.05 p.m.

It's already recess… What am I doing with my life…

"Khim you good? I called you like five times just now and you didn't even budge. You were just staring at the flowers bro." Jing asked. "Yeah I'm good. I was just uh.. Thinking about my history paper haha. I just don't know how to do well for the SRQ part so I was trying to come up with ideas on how to practice it."

"Ahhh makes sense. You always fold flowers when something is bothering you. Reminds me of that time with Tracy-" I cut her off with a cold, stern voice. "Can we not… talk about her?" A moment of silence dwells upon us when Jing finally cuts it. "Why can't we talk about her though… Sure you haven't talked to her in a few months but don't you want things to go back to the way they were last time? I know I want that, but because of you it's awkward now…" I continued walking in silence. Though my outer appearance was calm and cold, my insides were burning with rage and sorrow. "And why do you not want to be friends with her anyways. I mean I get that she was rude sometimes but like-" I stopped in my tracks. "Yo are you actually serious right now?" My voice came out harsher than I thought it would. "Nevermind. I need to pee. You can go to the canteen first."

I walked off without looking at Valery's face. Despite my sorry excuse of trying to escape the tension with Valery, I genuinely had to pee. Quickly making my way to the toilet, I pass by 5A2's classroom and make eye contact with some students. A few were my old classmates from Secondary 4 but 1 on particular was someone I did not want to see, ever. There I see Tracy Ong, sitting with my old friends and laughing her troubles away. I take a quick glance at her wrist.

Nothing new… That's good.

After relieving myself, I headed towards the carpark and sat at the side. My finger made it way to my own wrist. As I stare at the carriage numbers and breathe in the very polluted air, my fingernails dig deeper and deeper into my skin. Not once did I wince, only continuing to dig deeper till I had no more strength or will to resume.

In this blazing hot sun

The girl wears a jacket

Not for warmth, not for comfort

But for the shame she felt.

The bell rang. I pulled the sleeves of my windbreaker to cover my wrist and headed back to class