Lolo ran. She was fighting tears. She always seemed to be fighting either her tears or her anger these days, and often both at the same time. Her room came into view as she flew down the mountain. She didn’t want to go to her room. She randomly turned eastward, following the outer limits of the Leader’s Lodge and then continuing east. She crossed a field and seemed to recognize a dilapidated greenhouse to her left, so on impulse, she stopped running to inspect it.

It looked as though the greenhouse hadn’t been used in years. Several panes of glass had broken, and wild foliage was working to reclaim the structure. Why did this greenhouse look familiar? Lolo looked up to take in her surroundings. The Leader’s Lodge was back the way that she’d come. The military base was a good ways south and further east of her position. Why would she know this place?

It hit her. Philige’s apple orchard was just a little further east. They’d passed the greenhouse that one time he’d shown it to her. This time of the year, the apple trees would be growing their first, tender leaves. Since she was skipping training anyway, she might as well meditate somewhere quiet and peaceful.

Had she not been looking for it, Lolo would have missed the stone wall completely buried under the heaps of ivys and floral creepers, but she might have seen the trees. Lolo was pleasantly surprised to see that the once very overgrown apple orchard had been carefully pruned back since the last time she’d been there. The same vines that had completely taken over the outside of the stone wall were tamed on the inside, cut back and trained to line the top couple rows of stones in the wall. Someone had built up the broken sections of wall, fixed the fountain, replaced the tree swing, restored the old stone bench, and levelled the stone path.

“Philige’s been busy,” she thought to herself.

Finding the back corner of the orchard, Lolo sat down under the same giant apple tree that she had talked with Philige under nearly four years ago. Had it really been that long? It seemed like as good of a place as any to meditate in.

She meditated through the morning and well into the afternoon before she just couldn’t make herself continue any longer. Lolo picked at some grass as she thought about how much she didn’t want to return to the courtyard to deal with Standig, or anyone else really.

Standig. Her mood instantly became dark. What was she going to do about Standig? She knew in her head that he only tried to keep the news of the Wolf Tribe attack from the team in a misguided attempt to protect her. She also knew in her head that Standig was in no way responsible for either the battle or the massacre. But in her heart, she harbored a dirty “what if”.

What if Standig had told everyone about the battle? She and her team could have taken on the dragons together. With all five primordials present, the entire nature of the battle would have been completely altered, and thus, the outcome.

She couldn’t think about that. She didn’t want to hate Standig. It was much better to target all that fury and hatred at the Dragon General. Everything about General Yudha felt evil. His wanton disregard for human life (including his own men that he'd left behind to kill the hostages), his lust for war and destruction, the way he’d looked at her after ordering his lieutenant to slaughter her mother, baobe and friends. She choked up just thinking about it.

Lolo shook her head. She was trying to figure out what to do about Standig. Lolo knew that she had to forgive him eventually. In fact, she wanted to forgive him, but she felt stuck, trapped in this swirling vortex of pain and anger. Somehow, Standig had been sucked in with her, and even though she knew she shouldn’t be, Lolo was so, so mad at him.

No one seemed to get why she was so angry. Over the past two months, many people had tried to talk her out of her anger, saying unhelpful, trite, and, frankly, stupid things like “time heals all wounds” or “live your life the way they’d have wanted you to”. It made Lolo’s stomach feel hollow and heart feel like it was on fire every time someone told her things like that. She knew it was well-intended, but it was infuriating.

To make things worse, she was a primordial. She couldn’t stop her life to grieve, so instead, she’d thrown herself into training harder than ever to try and block out some of the pain, to distract herself. But it hadn’t helped. She was angrier than ever, and felt less in control of her spiritual power now than when they had started training nine months ago.

Huo Lohse sat brooding for a long time.

“At what point should we start worrying about Lolo?” Ulana asked what everyone had been thinking all day. “It’s about dinnertime. Fortus, did she say anything when she left, like where she was going or when she’d be back?”

Fortus shook his head. “Standig, did she say anything to you?”

“'Just that we’d talk later.”

Even Jadu seemed anxious. “We should check on her.”

No one argued. They collected their training gear and headed for the guest rooms.

“Lolo?” Fortus knocked on her door. “Lolo, are you in there?” Without a response, Fortus opened the door. “Guys, she’s not here.”

Standig was getting a distressing sense of deja vu. “We should split up. See if anyone has seen her.”

“Standig,” Fortus caught his panic and began to mirror it, “any idea where she is?”

“Not this time,” Standig shook his head.

“We’ll search the Leader’s Lodge,” Fortus declared. “Standig, take the north corridors and gardens, Ulana, the west, Jadu, east, and I’ll go south. Meet back at The Great Hall when you’re done.”

The group scattered.

Philige was taking his usual evening stroll to dig in the dirt, clear his head, and meditate in his apple orchard. It had been a busy couple of years preparing for a war he had hoped would never come, and the recent attack on the Wolf Tribe had left him on edge. These walks were what kept him sane. He followed the familiar vine covered stone walls to an opening and followed a path through the apple trees to his favorite back corner. For the first time ever on these walks, he was surprised to see someone else in his orchard. “Lolo?”

She looked up as he approached. “I’m sorry, Philige. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ll go.” She moved as if to stand.

"No, no. You’re fine. You can stay. Are you alright?" Huo Lohse sat back down on the moss to continue twisting long clover stems around her fingers with intense concentration.

"Can I be honest?"

He nodded.

"No. I'm not alright. Philige, I'm not alright at all." The tears she had been restraining all day finally broke free. Without a word, Philige sat down next to her and pulled her into a warm hug. Her face now buried in his chest, Lolo started talking into him in much the same way that she had been releasing her feelings into her pillow over the last couple months. "Everyone expects me to just move on: do my duty as my mother and friends would have wanted me to, train hard like nothing happened, save the world because I’m a primordial-- like somehow that makes me immune-- but I just can't. Even if I wanted to-- which I'm not sure what I want anymore-- Philige, I can't. Please don't ask me to." The words tumbled out in an avalanche she couldn't stop.

"People keep saying that time heals, that I shouldn't let hate and anger fill the hole in my heart. But that's exactly what I want to do. I hate the Dragon General! I hate him and everyone willing to follow him! It feels like that anger is the only thing keeping me going, the only thing keeping me from giving up, the only thing I can feel anymore. What do they think I'm supposed to feel? Tell me, Philige, what exactly is it that you all want from me?" Her rant now over, Lolo succumbed to her pain and sobbed.

As her tears began to peter out, Philige responded, "Lolo, I know right now it feels like you are going to hurt like this forever, but-"

Huo Lohse tensed in his arms and wrenched away from him. "Don't say it, Philige. Don't say that time will make me feel better."

"I wasn't going to say that, Lolo." His voice was soft. "I was going to say that over time, you will learn how to live with that pain. It might dull a little, but it will always be there."

Huo Lohse relaxed a little and leaned forward to look at the first person she'd met so far that seemed to understand.

"You have a gaping hole in your heart right now. That hole will never entirely go away because no one can replace the people that you've lost. But, from personal experience, as you add more people into your life, as your love for them grows and develops, and as your heart grows to make more room, that hole in your heart won't feel quite so big and devastating, and you will feel less empty. Be patient with yourself, and cry when you need to. Tears are an expression of love after loss, and, right now especially, the world needs more love.”

As Philige spoke, hot tears spilled silently down her cheeks, but for the first time since the massacre, there was no anger behind them. In fact, Huo Lohse actually managed to smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you for understanding." She let go and wiped the tears from her nose and cheeks onto her sleeve, actually laughing from the relief she felt.

Philige looked up at the sky; the sun had already begun to set. "Come on, Lolo," Philige said while standing up, "I'll walk you home." He offered her his hand and pulled her to her feet.

Their walk back was quiet as they skirted the lodge. When they arrived at the front steps of her cabin, Huo Lohse moved up a couple of stairs and turned to face her escort. The added height of the stairs allowed her to look Philige squarely in the eyes.

"Thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I can't explain how much it meant to me."

For a moment, Philige studied her face in the fading light, leaning in against the stair rail to absorb the details of the green in her eyes… the angle of her nose… the way the corners of her mouth lifted when she smiled. He smiled at her and straightened up. "Get some rest, Lolo. You look like you haven't had a good night's sleep in ages."

It was true. She hadn't. Feeling an interesting new wave of emotions, Huo Lohse turned to head to bed for the night.

"Lolo," she turned back, "I like to take walks in the gardens after dinner every night. Would you care to join me tomorrow?"

She smiled at him. "I'd like that."

"'See you then."

Once Lolo had shut the door behind her, Philige turned to see Standig bounding up to the cabin.

"Philige, is she in there?" Standig was breathing heavily as though he'd just run a marathon. "We've been looking for her everywhere. She just walked out of training this morning to go who-knows-where and do who-knows-what! We're all worried sick."

"Yes, she's home. She's resting."

"I need to talk to her." Standig hurried to walk past his brother, but Philige blocked him.

"Leave her be tonight, Standig. She's exhausted."

Standig stopped to look at him. "I need to talk to her. Please, excuse me." Again, Standig tried to move around Philige, and again, Philige cut him off.

“Have you stopped to consider what she needs right now?”

Standig was now glaring. “Philige, I really need to talk to her. Let me through.”

"You need to talk to her. What about what she needs?"

"Get out of my way, Philige." Standig's tone was almost as threatening as it was desperate.

"No! There has to be a reason why Lolo walked out today, and I'm starting to suspect that it may have had something to do with you!"

"Move!" Standig shoved, but Philige stood his ground.

"Huo Lohse may be the Silver Wolf, Standig, but first and foremost, she's a nineteen-year-old young woman who just watched her mother and friends get slaughtered after a battle that devastated her home!" Philige was shouting. "You need to back off!"

"You think I don't know that?! You think I'm insensitive to that?! But the fact remains that she is a primordial, and we need her. Unlike you, we don't have the luxury to get hung-up on our feelings every time we suffer losses. It's part of our job description!"

"We're not talking about Lolo anymore, are we?"

Standig's face turned stoney.

"I see. This is about you now, isn't it?"

"Let it go, Philige."

"After the battle for the Wolf Tribe, Huo Lohse hasn't been the same, has she? You feel like you've lost her. "

"I said: Let. It. Go. Philige.” Standig was positively snarling.

"No! You listen here. If you ever want to see Lolo return to some sort of normal, if you ever want her to heal, you need to back off!"

Philige had hit too close to home. Standig shouted and swung, taking out some of his dammed-up pain on his brother. Philige found himself on the ground dazed with a swelling, bloodied lip.

Hearing the commotion, Lolo opened her door to see Standig standing over Philige with his fist in the air. "Standig!" Huo Lohse yelled and ran to position herself in between the brothers. "What do you think you are doing?!" She shoved Standig back as hard as she could, angry tears clouding her vision. "Get out of here! I'll deal with you later."

Standig watched in a strange sort of stupor as Lolo pulled Philige up and wrapped his arm over her shoulders so she could help him stagger up the stairs to her room. Standig moved to the front door as she got Philige inside. When she returned to the door to shut it, Standig started stammering. "Lolo, I-I-"

"I'll see you at practice tomorrow, Standig," Lolo mumbled, shutting the door in his face.

Standig stood frozen in front of the door for a while before he realized that he was crying his own bitter tears.