Creating something new, day 10

The day after

When I wake up, I feel Ciara and Iselin's bodies in bed with me. My two red-haired goddesses and cornerstones. Now their cornerstone is a cold-blooded murderer. Knowing that I had no real choice doesn't make it much easier. We're all quite selfish when it really matters. And I chose myself and them. I justify it that way. A future with me in the world is better than a future with him. Very sure it's true, but I have to live with it. But I can live with it. Live. Live with Iselin. Live with Ciara. Live with Kari. I need them all and I need to make our life right for them. I need to ask Iselin to marry me. Wait an appropriate amount of time, and ask Ciara and Kari too. If they want to have children with me, I will do what I can to fulfill it, and just hope that any children grow up healthy, or hope that they can accept adoption.

My stomach growls, but I need to stay in bed and feel their closeness and warmth. That I am needed. That they need me. That I'm not as useless as I feel. Makes me understand Ciara a little better. Knowing and understanding are not the same. Predicting and doing, isn't the same either.

I try to puzzle together a mental list of things I missed, heard and registered but not yet dealt with. I wonder what they all think about me. How I handled it all. I wonder what the crew thinks. I need to pull myself together and talk to them all. Man the fuck up! Move on. Fetch things from the craftsmen in Borgarsandr etc. Prepare to sail. Bring tools and work. Process everything in the future. Accept this new reality. Been good at it before. Its time to prove it.

So I say 'Goodmorning' to Ciara, and Iselin wakes up when Ciara starts kissing me, kisses that I return which makes her cry with happiness. My wonderful Ciara. They both hug and kiss me. I say I'm hungry, and Ciara storms out to solve it. Greet Kari and Alith too.

I pretend everything is back to normal. Goes surprisingly easily. Accept reality. It has happened. Learn. Adapt. Move on. Repeat.

I check my stuff, and I did reload Boomstick and covered the barrel with the same protecting barrelplug from my pocket. I mark the used cartridge standing on the table. I will never use that cartridge again, but I have many more. I hope it doesn't get any future friends. I should have finished building Boomstick a couple of weeks earlier, even though it would have been made out of iron and simpler. Should have built shotgun cartridges to maximize the chance of hitting and wounding, because it is still a close combat weapon and most people here don't anything protect their head. But; better that the man is dead - than alive, scarred, and vengeful. Better that no-one finds shotgun pellets in the wounds. I hope he doesn't have relatives that will come looking for redemption. Apparently they all think that won't happen, but I'm not so sure. People are assholes, and I guess that includes me.

I'm really happy that I've been avoiding people and gatherings. 'Raggar' is one word that I didn't expect to have that effect. I can just imagine me saying that to someone slightly drunk, and the immediate violence that might create. I did the right thing in avoiding people and feasts. Yesterday was one of the few time I've actually talked infront of a lot of people, and it ended badly. What other pitfalls might I step into?

The day is quite easy, even though I mostly sit and stare at the view. Pat one of the farms cats for a while. Its a normal mostly black Swedish 'Skogskatt' and came to me while I sat here yesterday, and they all take it as a sign that Freya approve of what I did and that she likes me. Guess they don't know cats. You don't have a cat, the cat have a human.

I'm a cat person. I always liked cats, and grew up with cats and have had one before. This one probably just like to be patted and found me lazing about with two free hands. I probably shouldn't have feed it my food when I wasn't hungry yesterday. They don't see it like that. Cats have a strong connection to Freya, and her chariot is pulled by two cats. Men have dogs, and a few even have bears if they're really trying to compensate. That I like cats they just take as another natural sign of my connection to Freya.

I can't help but think that most men here would probably like their women to be like obedient subservent dogs, while many women are more like cats - the lone hunter with hidden claws, that just stay due to food, warmth and comfort.

Iselin, Kari and Ciara's all hovering nearby. And Alith. But, she's more like the overwatch, in the background and ready to pounce with fury on anyone intruding on my peace with my girlfriends. I hope she will accept there isn't anything she could have done, and start to relax soon.