It didn’t take too long to realize that the blade was one of those collapsible guys with a small chain keeping them together. This was a pretty common weapon type for special enemies in anime and light novels in my previous life. The real trick was the optical illusion it created by swaying back and forth in front of its user. It was already in the invisible blade part of this trick and I hadn’t had any earth-shattering revelations like normal protagonists. This world hates me.

“I will let you leave right now with all of your limbs and your life if you just lay down your wavy sword and leave.”

“Hahahahahahahaha. That’s not happening rotflesh. You are going to die here or I, Vinx von Astrallama will die eliminating your putrid flesh from the world.”

“I warned you…wait Astro Llama?”

She did not let me finish laughing at my own joke before she disappeared with her invisible sword. Based on how sure she was of herself, I figured she would go straight for the kill. I was right. My sword came up just in time as the blade of her sword wrapped around my neck and body. This is going to hurt.

I was about to try and break the blade when the magic hit me. Turned out that the wavy sword wasn’t the full extent of her attack. The wind magic that hit me next caused the blade to collapse but also it caused it to fucking VIBRATE. My sword didn’t break; however, it was thrown out of the way as my head was removed from my shoulders and my waist separated right above my belt as her sword became a chainsaw.

Her smile was malicious from my perspective, as my head fell to the floor, but right before it hit my blood solidified and started pulling me back together. Thank the gods for regeneration! The smile literally ran from her face. She began the rhythmic motion of her blade when it contracted. This time I felt more ready but when the blade came around where I thought it would be, it disappeared again.

I felt the breeze blow by in our standoff as I tried to figure out where she went. The Archdemon smiled as it watched with crossed arms. The blade was already upon me when I noticed it the second time. When the full extent of the blade had finished wrapping itself, I had a split second before it retracted and its “sawing” action began. Luckily, I was someone…sigh. I just remembered.

“STOP”

I cut off my own protagonist speech. It would have been amazing I’m sure, but realizing you can stop time on a whim is a greater revelation.

The familiar silence covered the parade grounds. There to my left and slightly behind was Stink Astro Llama or whatever in my blind spot. The sword was as imagined, a series of blades connected in the middle by what looked like woven metal thread, but none of that mattered. Rimelda had already escaped and the Archdemon now had golden armor on.

I flashed my nails across the wire in between and disabled the sword. I carefully lifted and removed myself and my sword from the trappings of death. I grabbed a handful of pebbles from the ground to try another experiment with my time spell. I wound up and imitated my best baseball pitcher stance and flung the gravel at Vinx. It stopped in air as soon as it left my hand.

“You are next. You who are the literal representation of my lost opportunity with the Angel.”

“I LOOOOKK FOORRWAAARDDD TOO ITTT.”

The Archdemon sounded like a booming voice on the other end of a windy tunnel, but the most startling part was that the thing wasn’t suspended like everyone and everything else was.

“My magic doesn’t work on you huh?”

“VEEERRYYYY LIIITTTLEEE OFFFF THEEEE MMMAAAAGGGGIIIIICCCCCC OFFFF MAAAAANNNN DOOOOEEESSSS.”

“The magic of man huh?”

The Archdemon smiled wickedly, already so sure of itself. Is over-inflated self-confidence a demon trait or what? I had no predilection of this prior, but I thought why not? Anything to wipe the smug grin off this asshole’s face. I raised my hand above my head and channeled my very best Krillin.

“Plasmavelin”

It worked! Above my hand floated an enormous bolt of lightning. It slowly shaped itself into the plasma projectile it was meant to be.

“How about Folioran magic?”

My Stop spell was broken when I formed the new magic. I turned my head to look at the warrior I had just faced off with. The look of surprise on her face was replaced with a wet look as the gravel that had been thrown at full strength unfroze and ripped Vinx into a hundred pieces in a shotgun blast of gravel.

The Archdemon responded in kind by producing his own bolt of dark energy, a malicious grin still plastered across its face. He reached back unnaturally far and “cocked” his arm back.

“GGGGOOOOOO!”

“My fucking pleasure.”

I threw my bolt as he unleashed his. The two bolts collided and a struggle of wills unfolded. Leyara and Dog were cleaning up the remnants or whatever was left alive after my bloodbath and both kind of stood in shock as I used the Folioran spell.

“Fuck that! Use Plasmaelstrom on his enormous ass!”

I fucking love this woman.

“Plasmaelstrom”

I felt the magic leave me as the storm clouds formed above me for the spell. Leyara’s jaw dropped as Dog chased a butterfly around.

“I was only feeling the hype, I didn’t think you could actually cast it! It’s a God-Tier Folioran spell that usually requires a group of Mages and days of casting to use.”

“It’s a little late to say I broke the rules!”

I turned my attention back to the receiver of my spell as my knees buckled just a slight amount. Turns out the amount of magic needed for this spell was …considerable. I felt the drain all the way to my toes. Across the sky in all directions were bolts of lightning that were formed and aimed at the Archdemon.

“Let’s bring an end to this tug-o-war, shall we?”

“IIII WWWWIIILLLLLL NEEEEVVVVEEEERRRRRR BBB…”

I didn’t give him a chance to finish. I mean ultimately fuck him, right? I brought my hand down and with it the Plasmaelstrom. Each bolt pierced his golden armor and his body to protrude from the ground. Once all of the bolts had come together, they formed one large bolt and an enormous bolt erupted from the heavens to crash into the creature in a blinding flash of white that made the earth shake.

Completing the casting took additional amounts of magic and ended up being quite a bit. Once I confirmed the Archdemon had vaporized and there was nothing left but his golden armor, I felt consciousness leave me.

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Master had just cast what was probably the most impressive thing I had ever seen, but I wondered how I was going to get my beef bones if he continued to lay there after he fell over.

“Should we go see if he needs help?”

“Of course, Dog, he just saved us and destroyed multiple platoons of Elven warriors and an Archdemon. He’s a hero.”

“Is it really that impressive? He just copied your spell. Did he smell the troll before? No, I didn’t think..OUCH!”

Leyara wacked me on the head with her sword pommel. Why does everyone hit me for speaking my mind?

“Ron, the only people who have ever been capable of using magic spells from other races were the master mages from LaPoint. There hasn’t been one of those in…”

“3000 years?”

“Yeah… Wait. Isn’t the sun coming up?”

“Already two steps ahead of you there Leyara.”

I walked over to Master and summed up his condition before hiking a leg and relieving myself all over him.

“RON WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Don’t worry, this is actually the reason he keeps me around.”

I think anyway, bwahahahaha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Vampir Darknaciel - (Shawn Mullins)

Date of Birth: Reign 23rd 3015

Race: Vampire (Human)

Hair: Black (Covered in Ash and Demonic Dog Urine)

Eyes: Red (Sinisterly Sinister Glow)

Current Value: 239.9 million Gold Coins, Approx. 149 trillion Gold Coins worth of Invisibility Potion, Resurrection Token

Magic Pocket: Pretty much one of everything (semi-verified), Journal of a Lunatic, Archdemon Armor

Powers: Voice Mesmer, Animal Transmutation, Super Strength, Mach 3 Speed, Immunity, Kinesis (Psycho), Hissy Fit Vaporize,

Magic: Derbegun (Cleaning Spell), Hemiowgun (Healing Spell), Stop (Time Spell), Dauntlet (Shadow Armor), Regeneration (Heightened after feeding), Raze (Sea of Fire), Folioran Magic

Weaknesses: The Sun, Holy Water, Dog, Cries Blood, Leyara, Grave Box at Witch’s, Blood Rage, Not very funny

Strengths: Barfights, takes arrows to the chest like a champ, Digging Holes, Fungus House Demolition, Dog, Blood Rage, Chucking swords, Leyara, Sword Fighting, Magic as fuuuuuu, Gravel Throwing