“Changing your name is possible, but it will cost you five hundred dollars. We do this to prevent people, like you, changing names every few days.” Jack didn't even hide its contempt. It sprayed its overused customer service information distribution skills all over my eardrums. A small smile hanging on its lips. The piercing, that started out black upon arrival, had now taken on a jovial orange. Which I could only interpret as schadenfreude at my current situation. “We cannot change age after completing the digitization process. Only by completing the whole process all over can we arrange this. This will take upwards to a month as it will take government approval and filing many requests.”

I was staring at it. Not believing what I heard. It was kidding right. It had to be kidding.

“So you mean to say, that I paid three fucking thousand dollars for this piece of shit and I can’t even watch porn on it? Because of the practical joke of a fucking fatty? I deserve to watch a bunch of naked people doing unsavory things to each other. And I deserve it in the most real form ever created after forty years of stubborn DVD use. Did I serve my country for fucking nothing? How is this legal?” I ended up shouting. I never served my country a day in my life. Savind myself the hardships of one of the many wars of my lifetime. It didn't matter as I was getting fucked anyway.

“Oi, old man. Stop with the vivid language, would you? We don’t need that kind of stuff in this little ones' brains. It's worse enough I had to form a picture.” I turned around to the middle-aged lady in line behind me. Her hands covering the little kids' ears in front of her. Anger and disgust rolled over her face in a confusing mess. The little ball of cuteness stared wide-eyed up at me. Holding her purple unicorn sticker-ed helmet in both hands pressed against her chest. Like the treasure, it should be. The middle-aged lady had been the next on my list to tell her what I thought of her and her picturing skills. But the innocent little fur ball calmed me down again, and I brought my focus back to the task at hand.

Turning back to jack I muttered a quiet sorry to the lady before continuing my plea. “Look I get you don’t like me, but it should be clear I'm not seventeen and 'old bastard' is not my name. Stew, one of your colleagues, tried to take a piss on me. There must be something you can do!”

Instead of the worry, I was expecting on its face over the not so concealed threat, it smiled. It was that retail smile no one likes and it couldn't conceal its pleasure.

“Ex-Colleague. If you do not want to pay the five hundred dollars please get out of the line.” Its sentence smacked into me like a fist.

“What?” I stared at her. Its smile got bigger. The piercing turned a hilarious yellow while it said “It was Stew’s last day yesterday. He is starting University and had to quit. Stew made a mistake when entering your age and name, these things happen. But good luck filing any complaints against him.” She waved her hand at me and walked towards another registry along the desk before shouting “Next.” It could as well have been a middle finger.

I stood there dumbfounded for a moment. Then I told it and the rest of the store my real feelings on the matter “Mother fucker!”.

The angry middle-aged woman shouted something unkind but rather unimaginative after me. I didn't care. I wobbled out of the store and wanted to curse myself for ever signing off on the goddamn thing. Now I had to suffer through continued DVD use for another eight months.

Standing outside again, I squinted my eyes against the surprising amount of sunshine. In a mechanical motion, I reached for my luckies, only for life to disappoint once again. Finding an empty package crumbled in the corner of my raincoat. Giving it a foul look I threw it at one of the cleaning bots that came driving by. It halted, scanned the package, and diverted a meter of its course to suck my junk up off the floor before continuing ever onwards. Its single-mindedness was enviable for most but recognizable enough for me.

Having no more cigarettes I looked around for close by solutions. I spotted an old tobacco store next to an extra large automated superstore. I knew the brand, it still made regular TV ads. Telling us that buying your groceries was never easier or faster with their new integrated system.

I walked across the street. Some cars honking at me like I was a hot piece of ass. I ignored them and went straight to the old tobacco place. It, like me, had no swag left to compete with automated systems. I thus felt a great need to give it some of my support.

Entering the store, I was first assaulted by a wave of heat before the aroma of the synthetic vape came rushing through the opened door. It didn't look like someone had opened the doors in a while, hinting at its not so booming business. When the place cleared up, I saw three old guys although not yet as old as me. They stood near the counter all looking upwards towards a flat screen that was not so different from the one I still had. The TV was almost not visible through the thick and toxic fog. Not that that was a problem for me. Even if it had been much worse, I would have recognized the heavenly game on the screen.

I was about to take a step further into the store when the three almost old-timers cheered. I looked up again and saw that one team had come to a 1-0 lead.

“Freaking finally Kev, I thought this season would be miserable like the previous one, but it seems they made some progress in the break. That George Wyatt though….” the gruff voice of the man behind the counter sounded like he had sampled his own wares too many times. But who was I to say anything about that? That was not the interesting part though...

“Yes, that fellow is definitely not going to make the cut next year if he keeps playing this bad. Feels like he is even less confident in his saves than last year. Thank god he has brilliant games as well. Otherwise, we might even lose the spot in the celestial league with him on goal…” a weird sounding squeaking voice came out of the biggest guy in the room. This was including myself which was a mighty fine achievement. The shop owner nodded in agreement. The last guy, sitting on a chair, his legs crossed and pulling on his grey beard chimed in with a “Thank god they kept that Lopez guy. Must have cost them a fortune to keep that one.”

As the three talked I made my way to the counter but didn’t interrupt them. Now that I knew who was playing my gaze didn't leave the screen. After George had told me he was going digital, I had never again watched a game of his. In hindsight I regretted it. But hindsight was always 20/20, and pride and disgust were heavy emotions to move past.

Another three minutes passed together with another big chance and a new discussion. Then the shopkeeper noticed me. The gruff voice got me out of my focus on the game “What can I get you chief”.

For a moment I couldn’t find my voice, but then I coughed and answered then man “A pack of Luckies please.”

He got the pack, and I had already placed the cash on the counter. Taking if of his hands the moment he reached out. Luckies in hand I went full speed wobble out of the door. Even though it must have looked like a lazy gait with the speed, I was going.

Outside I opened the pack of chemical-induced stress relievers. My hands shook, but I had practiced the exercise many times so a cigarette was going to my lips before I knew it. As I lit it, my hand came across my cheek. It felt damp. That vape must have annoyed my eyes.

Yeah... damn vape.