“You’ve always had this idea that nothing could be done to change our situation. That we were already in too deep. That humankind was bound to fail, to disappear. And maybe you’re right. Maybe it is too late to save our future. Maybe we were never meant to make it this far. Maybe we were doomed from the start. But, even if it is too late, it doesn’t change the fact that every little action we take, every step we make, something bigger than us is put into motion. And that something keeps moving as everyone does a little action. And then, maybe then, we can buy ourselves a little bit more time: a few years, a decade, a century. And if I keep making little changes. And my friends make little changes. And then you start making little changes! That’s when things really start to move into a different direction. And maybe we are still doomed, but maybe if we keep going into that new direction… maybe it will be enough to steer us towards a new future.”

I had never seen Doran so passionate. There was something deep in his words. Something I had never considered. Something I needed to take time and reflect on.

“Bombing a whole city, is that what you call a little action. You are a criminal Doran. My son is a murderer. You are all murderers.”

Mr. Fairfax response was cruel.

“You and your grand ideas are going to get you killed, to get all of us killed. The sacrifice your mother had to make over the years to keep you safe, to keep herself safe, gone with the wind that blew you back home. You know nothing, Doran! You understand nothing! You will be our own demise. My son, will be my death.”

“Father. We are going to protect you, and mom. We are doing this for people like you, like me, like us. You deserve a better life; mom deserves so much more than this. We should have been a family together. Not some strangers exchanging a quick hug once a year.”

Lowering his voice, he added: “Listen to me father. This is not some foolish idea. I am not some dumb kid playing war. We are going to see it through. We are going to free Aethereusians. We are going to open up Antarticum to the rest of the world. We are going to restructure the government from the top down. We are going to create that better world…”

“FOOLISHNESS! There are no humans left outside Antarticum. The whole world was brought to their knees as flooding, drought and extreme temperature destroyed the economy and brought forth disastrous pandemics. THIS is the place you so vehemently want to build. Antarticum is that better world. Open your eyes, the sacrifices of a few are what allows many to live a content life. And you, and your friends are foolish enough to want to destroy that.”

“Father! I assure you, there are people out there. Over the seas, people have found ways to survive on the scorch continents. The government wants you to believe…”

“…the government has every right to make us believe what ever is needed to assure civil obedience. Anarchy is a dangerous downfall. If you think you can solve the world’s problem by creating pandemonium… think again. You want to be an idealist, fine! But open your eyes! Or is it that you’ve been brainwashed. It’s that man! Isn’t it! It’s him that got these ideas into your head.” Mr. Fairfax was visibly upset as he walked up to Fiori.

“You can throw your own life away if that is what you desire General Falx, but you will not take my son down with you!”

“Father. Enough!” Doran begged while ruffling his own hair in despair. There was incredible sadness in his eyes. It was unbearable to watch. I had imagined families being some sort of a happy, safe place. It was disheartening to witness this unit falling apart.

“Fiori has nothing to do with my own decisions. I make my own choices. I obey my own rational. You can hide behind mom, behind your own fake sense of security but I will not coward in front of the authority. This is not right. Living like this isn’t right. Aethereusians are being raise like cattle. You know it dad. Giving up your children isn’t right. If I am a murderer today, it isn’t because of my friends. The government made me this way. But Dad, I can change that. Together, we can take the first steps towards changing that. It will probably not be enough. But I have to entertain the hope that others after me will carry on the journey until we create a truly better place. Dad…”

Doran had tears running down his face. He wasn’t the only one. His father did too. Even Eli quickly brushed off a runaway tear.

I was moved too but in a different way. There was an artistic fatality in the strength of his conviction. I was jealous. I wanted to feel that deeply about something. Anything. I wanted to have a purpose, like him, driving me forward, lighting my path along the way.

I caught Fiori’s eye. The man was happy. That bothered me. Everything about him bothered me lately.

You are a bad person, Fiori Falx.

I got up and left the room. There was nothing for me there.

The argument continued. I could still hear it. In the small house, there was no way to escape it.

“Please, understand, it’s been hard for him… everything… life has been hard… and unfair.” Mrs. Fairfax was at the sink, filling a kettle. “He’s a good man. Too good. Even after our son was born, even after finding out I was an Aethereusian, he stayed. He stayed by my side and continued to love me, to treat me kindly, with respect. We didn’t have any other children after Doran. If I had known, I would not have had Doran in the first place. I’m the one to blame. It was all my fault.”

“No, no it’s not,” I kindly said. “We are all victims in a sick tragedy. You, him, me, my friends, we are all trying our best to make sense of the situation.”

“Victims… it’s either that or criminals. There is nothing in between. Doran was a victim, now he’s a criminal. But being a victim doesn’t justify becoming a criminal. This is where you are all wrong. You are no better than them if you resort to violence…. Well… that’s what my husband thinks, anyway.”

“A quiet, happy life. That’s what Arno wanted. That’s what I dreamed about too. Not this. Not this nightmare I live in. Running away, hiding, seeing my friends die in front of me. I don’t want this life. I hate this life. But you know what? I hated my life at the orphanage too. So, where does that leave me? I understand for you it’s different. You have… all this. It’s a pretty house Mrs. Fairfax. I’m sorry, we came here.”

“It is a pretty house. We moved here right after we got married. Life was different back then. Life was… almost… good.”

She quickly turned her back to me. She was crying. I left it at that.

In the other room the argument between Doran and his father raged on. Unable to bear it anymore, I decided to tour the cottage.

Other than the living room and the kitchen, there was a small study. Wall to wall bookcases. I tilted my head sideways to read the titles: Brave New World, Dante’s Inferno, Jane Eyre, Les Misérables, The Ice People, Bungo Stray Dogs, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Anne of Green Gables, White Man’s Test, 1Q84, Lord of the Flies, When the Tripods Came, Battle Royale, The Maze Runner, End of Days, The Rule of Three… The shelves were stacked. My fingers lingered on the word Hugo as Ashe’s memory filled me with sadness. I left the book there and diverted my attention to the other bookcases.

Doran’s mom had been a teacher, a teacher of what, he never said… But judging by this room, she must have been a music teacher. There were music theory manuals, and scores. Lot’s of scores. My fingers brushed the dust off the spines as I moved deeper into the room. I stopped and randomly grabbed one. It was by Franz Liszt.

I opened it up. Black lines, notes, dynamics, pencil markings. I had never opened a score before, yet as I ran my fingers through the phrases, the music played in my head. I could read the melody. I could hear the notes. My fingers started twitching. It frightened me.

I quickly walked back to the kitchen. Mrs. Fairfax was seated at the table drinking a cup of tea with Yuki and Fiori. I barged in, interrupting their conversation.

“Do you have a piano in the house?”

“Yes. In the living room.”

Doran and Mr. Fairfax were still engaged into a heated argument. Eli was now asleep on the sofa. Meyer was gone. I scouted the room. The piano stood by the lone window. It was covered by plants and pots. I had to move a few out of the way. I pulled out the bench and put the score on the music rack. I sat down and took a deep breath. My fingers moved, clumsily over the cold ivory keys. Hitting too hard, too softly, forgetting a sharp here, a sharp there. But I played the song, with rusty fingers trying to recall a beloved melody. I made it halfway before I even realized it. This was not possible. This was not me. Not my music. I withdrew my hands in panic. Backed away unable to comprehend what had just happened. All eyes were on me. I started breathing heavily, as a visceral fear took hold of me.

“It’s ok,” a voice said in my head.

“It’s ok,” Fiori echoed.

“It’s impossible!” Meyer exclaimed as he reappeared in the room holding a laptop in one hand.

I turned, seeking support. Eli was wide awake. Upset, she walked out.

“No! Wait!” I screamed.

I went to get up but tripped over the bench hitting my knee on the way.

“La Campanella, even for a concert pianist it can take years to master. I never could. Not many have played it as it was meant to be… There was, some years ago, a young girl, a prodigy… oh…” Mrs. Fairfax gasped.

I lowered my eyes to the ground.

“My sister,” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

“It’s ok,” I said...

Fiori was about to say something, I stopped him.

“I don’t know. I have no idea! Later, ok. Not now! We’ll discuss it later…” I left it at that. I really, didn’t know what had just happened. But what mattered right here, right now, was to find Eli and make amend.

***

“You know nothing. Is that what you came here to tell me?”

Eli was as sharp as always. Her words stinging me.

“If I knew, we wouldn’t be here, would we?” I answered without any tac.

She turned and faced me, in full control of the situation.

“Did you kill my parents?” she coldly asked.

“It seems to be common knowledge amongst our friends and enemies,” I answered with a hint of sarcasm.

She was about to speak again.

“Wait! Shush! I’m not done. I take full responsibility for it! Ha! There! You have it. Hate me all you want! Now you have a reason.”

She frowned with disdain.

“A reason! I don’t need your validation. I can hate whomever I want. You fucking killed my parents! I don’t care if you remember it or not! There’s something not right with you! With all of you! Hana’s bomb, Fiori’s twisted conception of reality. And you, an amnesic murderer! What’s Fiori’s plan, now? Do you have any idea? And you? What else are you hiding from me?”

“I can play the piano, apparently,” I mumbled to myself defeated.

“Yes. You play the piano.” Once more sarcasm rang in my ear.

“Eli. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know who I am…”

“I know… you know nothing. That’s the problem Fenn. You know nothing. And you seem content with that. But I’m not like you. I want answers. I need answers. And if I am not going to get them here, I am going to go and get them somewhere else.”

“I understand. I’m sorry.”

She sighed.

I sighed.

“I like you Fenn. I want to like you. I’m just not sure if I can handle anymore surprises.”

“I understand. I’m sorry.”

I truly was sorry. Sorry for her. Sorry for myself. There was no point in me staying here. This was not an argument I could win.

I left.

And as I did, I heard her, as clear as day…

“Go on and hide… you coward. Run away like you always do…”

It sent chills down my back. But the worst part… she was right.

“Hey, good news!” Said Meyer walking up to me. “Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax said we can stay overnight.”

“Oh, that’s a relief,” I heard myself say without any real enthusiasm.

“Are you ok?”

“It’s all good. This! This is just great!”

“I hear you. There isn’t a day, I don’t regret stepping out of Senex Centralis. But then again, our story isn’t done yet. So, I have to believe it will all be worth it in the end.”

“In the end? I can hardly imagine Arno felt like it was worth it as he died. And Ashe? Was it worth it? How many more people have to die, before it is worth it?”

“But at the very least, they died trying.”

“No, they died failing…” I corrected him with heavy bitterness.

“You know, he was going to die, sooner or later,” Meyer philosophized.

“We all will… it doesn’t mean we should just throw our life away.”

I was surprised by his assertiveness. Had he already forgotten about his friend? How could one go so quickly from crying to this?

“Doing nothing is just the same as throwing your life away.” Eli had arrived. She was judging me.

“Not everything is worth fighting for, Eli,” I answered, drawn into her little game.

“That’s easy to say when you rely on others to fight your fight!” She was getting flustered.

“You know its not like that! Who do you think pushed the button!”

Meyer timidly raised his hand.

That annoyed me! I forgot he had had a part to play in the carnage as well.

“It was both of us! We each pulled the trigger on a bomb! Now tell me! What have YOU done Eli!”

She didn’t answer. I hated how this conversation had turned. I didn’t want to be mean. I liked Eli. She was precious to me, but my emotions were driving my words.

“You both need to stop. It’s not like any of us really have a choice. We can either die a slave to the system or die a criminal. Either way, this is just how life is going to be for us… In another life… maybe… we’ll be luckier.”

“Meyer is right,” I coward once more. “I’m sorry you feel this way, Eli. But I can’t change who I am.” At least, I didn’t think that I could. Or perhaps I knew nothing.

In an awkward silence, we headed back for the living room. Sleeping arrangement were being made. Yuki, still shaken from the destruction of the signal was already asleep. Fiori claimed the remaining couch. Doran said he’d go sleep in the study. That left Eli, Meyer and I on the floor. I shrugged. I was given a cushion and a blanket; this was more than I needed.

We were all exhausted.

Sleep had never been this welcomed.

Everyone settled, I decided to grab a glass of water before joining them. In the kitchen, Mrs. Fairfax was still there, sitting at the table with an empty gaze. In front of her was a delicate glass. I hurried embarrassed to be disturbing her peace. I grabbed a cup and turned on the faucet. I had never turned on a faucet before. It was amazing to see water freely flowing. I inadvertently let it run for my enjoyment.

“Have you never seen running water?” a cold voice asked me.

I turned. Ashamed.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, I was leaving…”

“My husband said you could stay the night. I decided to raise a glass to it. This was a special bottle. It’s called wine. Important people drink it at parties. This bottle was a gift. I was keeping it for a special occasion, something that would have been worth celebrating… I was waiting for a reason… Now I realize there will never be such a time. So, I drank it all.”

“I see. I’m sorry Mrs. Fairfax.”

“You better be sorry. Anyway. I’m glad I got to see my son, one last time.”

“It will be alright; we’ll be gone in the morning…”

“Of course, you will, but that won’t make us any less of a target. I bet they are already on their way here.”

“It’s possible. We will defend you then.”

“Young man, it is way past your bedtime. Don’t waste your time discussing things you do not understand.”

I had no strength remaining to argue. I left pitiful.

What was it about people today…?