Chapter 125 – Melted Heart of Steel

Indeed, it was a shameless making of amends. There was no need to help them. There was no need to struggle for a bunch of citizens trapped in a war. But there was something about their helpless situation that made me want to help them. I know that my goal was to help a friend. Joshua was clearly hesitant to help them as I did. But I insisted, and he could only accept.

Joshua was a not person of strength. When I met him he was battered and broken. He was the definition of a weakling in my world. Easily beaten, easily killed, he wouldn’t last a single day against a horde of quietus. But how could Joshua last? He was a single weak human without augmentations. The soldiers of my time had at least the augments that allowed them to fight them. But he had nothing on him that allowed him to be strong. Yet when I saw him still breathing, in that place, despite his injuries made me appreciate him. He had the tenacity of will. He is weak. I could crush his neck as easily. Still, he was someone that understood me. He was a fellow earthling that got sent into this world of conflict. He only had his wits and paranoia to help him. A gun helps but this place breaks my beliefs. It was a different dimension that defies the world that I was in.

Still, I was strong in this world. I am not dense to not understand my own strengths. I am rather aloof and impassive. Maybe somewhere in my heart, I couldn’t understand the plight of the normal. I could understand Joshua. Not because of his strength. But because of that steeled mind, he had. He was a person that I can talk to. But I doubt that he could understand what I truly feel.

Imagine being a powerful soldier who had to follow orders without question. Imagine seeing hundreds die each second. Imagine seeing a planet burnt to a crisp as you watch thousand frail hands reaching out calling for deliverance.

I was told to steel my heart since I was young. Follow the orders of your superiors without question. Achieve your mission without faltering. And be the blazing sword of justice that smites the enemy back to whatever hell they crawled from.

I was told to be a soldier, not a messiah. Yet the peace that I felt on Edawick and getting a little pup that looked like those that can found on Ganymede. The peace that I felt in that town crushed something inside of me.

Without purpose, without orders then what should I do? I know that ridding this world of Quietus is my duty. But beyond that what should I do? I cannot find any reason and viewing these people made me think of saving them.

I will admit that I offered to help them out my own guilty conscience. It was surprising that I would feel something like that. I thought that I buried something like that already. I should blame Joshua for this. That guy must have softened me up somehow. Titus should be blamed too.

Still, the people that I decided to help could only look at me with awe. To them, I must be this savior. They saw me fight enemies when we were marching on this open road. It was an odd feeling to me. To be praised as some sort of savior.

Joshua usually jests me as his Angel with a Shotgun. But seeing what I can do if I help them. I can understand why he would say that.

I thought that maybe I would find happiness in helping them. But what is this feeling of infernal guilt that wretches my heart?

I don’t know. I couldn’t understand it. I could recall thousands of faces. Could they have looked at me the same way the people that I am helping? These feelings are new to me.

I am a hardened soldier. I should be. Yet when we reached this fort that made these people happy. I was feeling rather weary. It was not my body that was tired. It was my heart.

Indeed, I was strong but I noticed how frail my heart was. It was covered by this box of steel that when the covering was gone. It became fragile and weak. This feeling pains me deeply. And I found myself clambering up to the top battlements of the fort that we arrived. I was alone for once. Titus was playing with the little cat-girl.

The fort was medieval. It was filled with little guards and the clamor below the courtyard as they build camps was quite something. I sat on the edges of the battlements with my feet hanging. I inhaled the fresh air. The place was near this stream of water, glittering as stones and pebbles below the riverbed shine.

It was a fascinating view to look at. And I found myself wondering, sorting these new feelings that have invaded my heart. I began to understand what I have done. The blood on my hands and such would never be undone. I was a soldier who followed orders. And now that I am in this foreign world where I can easily kill and slaughter I wished to. I found myself oddly fragile and weak.

I hugged my knees. I settled down looking weak. Maybe he saw through me but I noticed him climbing up. He was as always armed to the teeth. His grey hair was messy and yet he had this concerned look on his face. Joshua ambled towards me with a wine in hand. I don’t know where he got it but I accepted it.

I told him what I was feeling. I told him oddly like what I did when we first met. He listened to me silently. It was clear that he couldn’t understand what I was feeling. He was a normal earthling. I was probably some sort of figure to him. But even so, what I needed was someone to listen to me. And thankfully he was there to listen to my plight.

And so we sat on the battlements of the fort as I talked about these new feelings that I was discovering. And before long, I would discover it as we trek through the fire choking point that the people fears.