During the day, we just explored more of the city.

We couldn’t ride to the lower city or speak to Meridi without being noticed and rumors beginning about it to notify Paris. We three—Terry, Paul, and I, and possibly Meridi—would have to go out late at night and figure out a plan to gather all of the moth slaves.

I had told Paris the night before that I wished Paul to guard our quarters at night because I liked him so much, and Paris gladly obliged. So now I could hopefully leave the castle easily at night.

But, during the day, I continued as I had been and just tried to make friends with the humans. Many of them were mellowing out and really opening up to me. They smiled and waved to me when I rode out to the city and greeted me cheerfully.

Paris was on my mind all day as I tried to find him a gift in the city. I was so afraid of him divorcing me—more for selfish reasons than anything else. The thought that I may never have his children was devastating to me. All I ever wanted was a family. I cared more about that than I did about the fact that I would lose any chance at freeing my people if he divorced me--which made me feel horribly guilty.

Paris was by no means a perfect man, physically or mentally, but I had such intense emotions for him that overwhelmed me even when I should be thinking of more important things. There was a side to him—the side that loved me more than anyone and trusted me even more than his own advisors—that I was intoxicated by. The idea that only I could bring out his sweet side—that it only existed for me and that only I could change his disposition toward other people was a thought that made me incredibly proud.

He made me feel so confident in myself. His kisses were so soft and caring and his hands were so firm and reassuring.

And then there was his scary side which I feared to no end—the side he displayed while he was drinking—the dangerous side that made me want to run away from him and Nui and my duties. Those same hands could become cruel and violent, and those same lips could become unwanted and gruff. But there was even something tantalizing about that side of him to me.

It was such a mean and perverse thought to love the fact that he was a miserable drunk without me—a dangerous thought—but I couldn’t stop finding it endlessly flattering. I couldn’t stop loving that, for once in my life, I had some sort of power over someone. And it wasn’t just any someone, it was a powerful king who ruled over others.

__

My attempts to find Paris something in the city were fruitless, but at least I made a few more human friends.

I waited up for Paris in our bedroom and he looked exhausted as he did many times at the end of the day. He was normally a withdrawn man who kept to himself; it was no wonder he found all of these social interactions so trying. How wonderful he was, to push himself and make himself into something he normally wasn’t! It was just another reason to love him.

When Paris saw me, sitting cross-legged on our bed and knitting, he cheered up a little. I put aside my knitwork and I wanted to do anything to make him stay married to me.

I settled with rushing over to him and leaping into his arms cheerfully. He was caught by surprise, but gently stroked the back of my head as if he might break me in his usual fashion.

“You seem happy today.” He commented.

I wasn’t really, but I replied to make him happy, “I am, I am!”

He held me at arm’s length with glassy eyes and I frowned intently—wondering if he was going to tell me he needed to divorce me right there and then. He turned away from me suddenly and asked, “what did you do today?”

Playfully, I pulled him close and reached my arms around to his front to begin undressing him. “I searched for something for you but couldn’t find anything noble enough to suit you! Someone so dignified is so hard to shop for!”

We delighted in each other’s touch almost obsessively when we were alone. I remembered many nights ago when Paris had been feeling particularly stressed out that he leaned against a wall in our bedroom and I wrapped my four arms around him from behind.

I was enthralled by running my hands along his body and thought no man in the world could be so visually enticing but him—even though I knew, in reality, that he wasn’t that enticing at all.

Similarly, earlier on in our relationship, he could spend minutes upon minutes lying on my chest in silence. There was nothing that brought him more comfort.

There was nothing I enjoyed more than being alone with him.

Paris leaned into me with a sigh, beginning to relax as I fumbled with getting his tunic off. Before I could, he turned around suddenly while holding something in his hand.

It was a glass rose. “I was in the city today and I wanted to find something for you. I saw this, and well… It’s so pretty and delicate, just like you.”

I tearfully chuckled and wiped my eyes. To think I had been so worried.

I embraced him and told him earnestly. “I love it!”

I decided not to bring up Gerta's eggs just yet. I just wanted to spend the night without stress in Paris' arms.

__

Later that night, as Paris slept, I silently creaked the door to our quarters open and Paul, who was right outside, nodded at me to come out. There were other guards posted, of course, but Paul knew their schedules and we wound our way through the castle to avoid them and collected Terry along the way.

We arrived at the chapel at the east wing of the castle and climbed out the window. Once outside, we made our way on silent feet under the blue shade of the moon and the sound of chirping crickets to the west side of the city. There were soldiers at every exit in the city, and we had to climb atop a house at the west entrance in order to leave unnoticed. Not being one for exercise, Paul let me hang on his back as he climbed up the house and down the other side without the guards noticing.

My heart was pounding the whole time. Not only was there the fear of being caught, but I was also dreadfully afraid of the dark. Before now, I had never been out of either Daddy’s or Paris’ castle this late at night.

We walked westward until we came upon the tall green grass and we looked around for Meridi and her people. To our left, we saw a cave with a fire lit within. Meridi waved at me and the three of us joined her around the fire in the cave.

“Hello, little queen. We’ve been waiting.” Meridi said happily.

I sat between Terry and Paul and replied, “I hope not for long. Are you all okay out here?”

Meridi nodded. “We’re very self-reliant. I learned as a c-c-c-child how to hunt and find water. The silken moths of Gracet are very different from you fluffy moths of N-n-nui.”

“I see…” I replied, jealous of her talent in fighting. “You must tell me more of the silken moths when we have time. For now, I need you to tell me all you know of the moth gods—especially if you know anything more of the lustful god.”

Meridi took a deep breath and looked into the fire, gathering her thoughts. There was a long moment of silence before she began.

“I will start with the lustful god, then. I saw in my dream that you had delayed his return—that you exorcised him from his host—and his host died. But, unfortunately, he had gathered e-e-e-enough power before you exorcised him by… By feasting on that guard so that he could survive without a body for a time so long as the wild mothmen keep sacrificing to him. He is searching for another host as we speak, and he will succeed—or so my dream told me. You are the only person he seems to somewhat fear. From my dream… I don’t think he can hurt you. Only the people you love…”

“Do you know why?” I asked.

She shrugged. “There’s something inside of you that he fears. It’s why he left those wounds on your insides rather than o-o-outsides.”

She was referring to my phantom pains, I realized. “Is there anyway to stop him from coming back?”

Meridi shook her head. “No. None that I know of. My dream showed a world on fire due to his return—with humans in charge. It did not show me who his host would be.”

I sighed. I had enough on my plate without having to worry about his return. “When will he come back?”

“Soon. Probably within a y-y-y-year.” Meridi replied uncertainly. “In my dream, he is the one who ends up harnessing Terry’s power.”

I let that sit in for a moment and took note of it mentally. “What of the other moth gods? Do you know which sides they will choose?”

Meridi shook her head. “I-i-i-it’s unclear. Perhaps if we can bring this human—Paris—to our side, we can keep Nui and the moths and humans therein safe from the coming war. If we keep Terry safe and fortified here within Nui, perhaps we can even prevent the war and anyone from finding out about his powers. According to my dream, that is the thing that sets the war off. The war will be a devastating thing fought by all kingdoms…”

Everyone was deathly silent for a moment. We all let this new information gel. It dampened the mood enormously.

“Meridi, do you know anything of the lustful god’s powers? Why can he only plant the doves in male heads? And how does he give those humans magic?” I queried.

Meridi scratched her furless cheek, collecting her thoughts again. “Hypthos showed me in my dream… Humans don’t believe in magic like moths do. They repulse it and have their faith instead—but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the potential to use magic the same as moths. They just don’t believe in it, and so it never manifests. But, while the lustful god is in their heads, he can trigger it in the humans that have it buried in their souls, and it overwhelms their faith. There is something about the human soul that, when magic is buried within it, makes it far more powerful than moth magic.” Meridi explained. “As for why he c-c-can’t plant doves in the heads of women… Scripture states that his mother blessed women with souls that would be unaffected by his magic because she knew he was no good. She held no love for men and left them to be cursed by her son.”

“Is there anyway to stop him from finding another vessel?”

Meridi shook her head. “Not as long as there are wild mothmen sacrificing to him and keeping him alive in the physical world. It would be impossible to find and kill any and all wild mothmen before he returns, however. The only thing I know about who is next vessel will be, is that they will have a very gray heart.”

I sighed. I remembered the ones I had seen in the woods where Amser dwelt, and I realized I should notify Paris that I had seen them so he could go clear them out. But curse my weak heart, I felt so sorry for them. I wasn’t sure I could.

“So, the next question is,” I continued. “How are we going to gather all the moth slaves?”

And we all collapsed into silent thought and tried to think of a way to do so.

I will write again later, my diary. My wrist hurts.