Rulaheim 182

It was so lonely sitting in those quarters, however large and wealthy they might be, for hours on end. Your mind begins to think ugly thoughts. It begins to think that you deserve to be in that room, because what other reason would you have been locked up, other than that you are a monster or that you deserve it?

I sat on the floor and lay my head listlessly on the bed, waiting for Peter to come back and abuse me. I would rather sit in silence the rest of my life than have that wretched man come in and defile me.

As rain continued to drip endlessly overhead, I heard the door click. I froze in terror.

I crawled under the bed and peered out from under it as it swung open and revealed Peter’s boots standing in the doorway.

My heart beat faster and with some amount of comfort when I recognized Caerwyn’s distinctive feminine voice.

“You will guard her door all day, every day, templar. You will guard her when she needs to eat, when she needs to use the garderobe, and you will otherwise keep her in here unless I command you otherwise.” Peter commanded.

“Your Highness, I do not mean to overstep any boundaries, but this is cruel. Let the girl go. This is torture.” Caerwyn pleaded.

“You are here to follow orders, templar. Am I not the son of the anointed king?” Peter reminded him.

“You are, but…” Caerwyn protested.

“Do your job, and make sure nobody bothers me while this door is shut.” Peter said adamantly and then entered his quarters and shut the door.

I screwed my eyes shut and tried not to make a sound.

He whistled as he patrolled the room.

“Where did you go…” Peter asked in a sing-song voice. “You can’t have gone far…”

I heard his boots scuffling about the room for a long time.

I dared to open my eyes to see his boots moving around the room while he whistled. He stopped in front of the desk, and then he walked around the bed until his boots halted in front of it and I held my breath.

He collapsed onto his belly and looked me right in the face with a hideous grin. “There you are!”

He seized one of my wrists and pulled me out from under the bed with my wrist throbbing in pain. He wasted no time and pinned me struggling to the bed.

In a vain attempt, I tried to calm Peter like I had Paris. I put one of my free hands on his cheek and tried to make him see I was a person with feelings. “Peter please stop! I know you can’t be this much of a monster!”

But he was a monster. He bit my lip with frenzied, mad eyes and I saw nothing but a beast looking back at me.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, “help me! Somebody help me!”

The door swung opened gently. “Your Highness, King Torr was looking for you.”

Peter turned his head and faced Caerwyn while I wept beneath him. “Did I not say you were not allowed to bother me?”

“He says it’s urgent.” Caerwyn answered calmly.

Peter groaned with the most frightening and mad eyes I had ever seen. He kissed my cheek. “We’ll play later, then.”

He straightened his clothes and left the room.

Caerwyn waited until he was gone to enter. He swiftly shut the door behind him. I ran into his arms and sniffled. “I’m so scared Caerwyn. I can’t help this man! There is nothing good in him!”

“Are you hurt?” He was concerned and looked at my ripped dress with nothing but compassion in his eyes. “What kind of monster could do this to a woman?”

He took a deep and consternated breath at the state I was in.

“I have to get you out of here. I can try to make a door to a place where you’ll be safe, and then I have to come back.”

“What? Why can’t you come with me?” I demanded.

“Sweet girl, there is a war to be fought for Ironwall—a war fought for no other reason than the two kings on each side want more power. All the kingdoms know about Terry now through word of mouth and want to get their hands on him. In just a week, I must set out to join the soldiers on the battlefield in the war against Lowen to the northeast as King Torr commands. It is a templar’s duty to help his kingdom in such dire times and I can’t abandon them.”

“All the kingdoms are readying for war and King Torr intends to defeat and rule all of them. They have all stumbled upon moths who have grand powers and who are calling themselves prophets and prophetesses and all the kings are aiming to use them to capture Terry and rule the other kingdoms.” Caerwyn told me while he ran a nervous and trembling hand through my fur. “Why didn’t you tell me before that Terry had such grand powers?”

My eyes flitted back and forth. This was a nightmare come to life, and I had no idea what to do. “It was too dangerous to tell you with Paris and everyone else around. Caerwyn, is there any news of Nui? Is… Is Paris fighting back the occupation? Is he coming to get me?”

Caerwyn looked away. “There is no sign of that… Last I heard, Paris was thrown in the dungeon for treason along with the many citizens and soldiers loyal to you and him.”

I looked down at the ruby ring on my finger and sank to the floor in misery. “The last thing I told him was awful… I knew he could do nothing with Nui’s small army, and yet I said that awful thing to him…”

I hugged my knees while sniffling. Caerwyn sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. He said a little jealously, “you really do love him, don’t you?”

“I love you both! That’s the problem! This is all my fault! Can’t you see I have put my faith in the wrong god? The moth gods are punishing me once again because I have a black soul and have treated you and Paris so poorly! He almost killed himself because of me!” I buried my head in my knees and fell into a familiar pit of misery where nothing but a cloud of dark thoughts existed.

“You have not put your faith in the wrong god. Remember what I said, you must always have faith, even when it is hard to have it. If Paris decided to try and throw away the most precious thing he has, it is because he has not been taught its value. That has nothing to do with you.” Caerwyn assured me.

I looked up intently and stared Caerwyn in his green eyes. My faith and convictions were sparked a little once again. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. I asked him, “can you make a door back to Nui? I want to… I want to help Paris.”

Caerwyn shook his head. “I will do no such thing. It is far too dangerous for you there… I shall take you to a safe place.”

“If you will not take me to Paris, then I want to be of use! I don’t want you to send me somewhere where I’ll be safe! I don’t want you and Terry to go to war and die! I’m a physician! Help me convince Peter to let me come with you to the battlefield at least!” I spluttered and wept hysterically.

I felt so useless. I could do nothing to save or help any of the men in my life; Paris said long ago that his life was expendable in favor of mine. I saw that trend too often; Paul had taken a dozen arrows so that I might live. Caerwyn undertook a long and dangerous journey where he could have died to save a complete stranger. Terry leapt in front of me once and blocked a blow he could have died from to protect me.

Men were ever tools to be used to lay down their lives and their women were always left behind to mourn them.

I was sick of them thinking that. They weren’t tools to me, nor were they shields to hide behind in the event of an attack. They were just as valuable to me as any woman.

But Caerwyn took me in his arms and shushed my hysterical sobbing and begging. “Mimi, if anyone lives through the oncoming war, I want it to be you. I will get you to safety; there are some woods to the south of here that humans and moths alike believe is cursed, but they are not. I go there when I need a moment of silence. There is fresh water there and fish to eat. You can live there safely until the world is done fighting over Terry. I just wish I could go with you, but I can’t leave Terry alone, and I can’t abandon Ironwall.”

I cried defiantly, “let me come with you! I want to be on the battlefield to help! I… I know how to bind wounds! I know how to treat them! You just have to tell Peter!”

Caerwyn shook his head sympathetically and admonished me, “I will never allow it. I’m going to make sure you are safe, with or without your permission.”

Caerwyn held his hand out and made the shape of a door in the air.

It did not appear.

Caerwyn panicked. “Why? Why now? I need a door!”

He tried several more times, but the door did not appear. Caerwyn looked stunned and expressionless.

I was happy and afraid about that. Happy I could stay with my friends, but afraid that there was no way out.

Caerwyn was far more distraught than I was. He fell to his knees in shock. I said to him, “then I am meant to do something here. I am meant to help you and Terry in some way.”

Caerwyn looked very angry and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t you understand, Mimi? That… That monster is going to keep you in here if you stay. He’s going to marry you and I won’t be around much longer to protect you from what he will do! You’re going to be hurt immeasurably…”

I lowered my eyes as he ran an index finger down my cheek.

I said quietly, “I… I have already been hurt immeasurably… Terry was there to save me, and now we have to save him somehow. We must find a way to convince Peter to let me come to the battlefield with you. I think that’s what God wants.”

Caerwyn turned his back to me in frustration. “You will not! I must find a way to get you out of here now! You know what will happen if I don’t! It will ruin you, and I can’t live with that!”

I turned him around and told him determinedly, “but I can! I…”

I sank to my knees and clenched my fists on them. “I’m sick and tired of being helpless and useless! I’m sick and tired of everyone threatening to leave me alone in this world! I’m willing to pay the price to stay with you all until the end!”

Caerwyn gazed at me with a pained look on his face. After that he turned his back to me again and slammed his fists on the wall. “Damn you! You have done enough for all of us! Now you expect me to stand by while that man--! Don’t you understand that laying my life down for you is a small price for what you have done for me? If I must kill myself to get you out of here so you can be safe, I will do so.”

I linked my arms around him and leaned my head against his back. “I don’t understand. Not at all. I don’t understand how a man could be so decent that he would ride for miles for a woman he never met—one his people consider a monster—and rescue her.”

I heard him swallow a lump in his throat. “That is nothing compared to what you did for me; you showed me what it is to be on fire with love and passion. I thought I was not fit to be a man, I thought I had none of their aggressions or passions, but you proved me wrong! There is no greater feeling in the world than to be in love.”

“Caerwyn, look at me.” I demanded as rain ever pattered above our head and made the air moist and miserable.

Slowly, he turned around and looked me in the eyes.

I mustered my brightest smile. “I’ll be fine. We’ll all be together again—me, you, and Terry on the battlefield.”

And Caerwyn knew as well as I, that, without his door—without some kind of miracle—there was no way for me to leave the castle unnoticed without both of us being killed.

Caerwyn took a deep breath before saying, “I can at least talk to the head priest Leon. I have already told him what has become of you, and he is having talks with King Torr as we speak in an attempt to get you out of Peter’s grasp. I will tell Leon you wish to join us on the battlefield, and I pray that he will find a way to convince Torr to let you out of these quarters before… Before…”

He could say no more without his voice choking. I embraced him one last time before he left the room.

And here I sit, my diary, writing in you and wondering just how I will get through the future without my mind and soul being destroyed. I have found a way to think of it; my body might be defiled, but Peter can never touch my soul.

Who knows. Perhaps Leon can figure out a way to get me out of Peter’s grasp before he touches me.