xx48.11.22 / 17:19 / Still Tuesday

No answers. Not even any new questions. Just a normal day with nothing interesting happening. C2 seemed a little distant, but maybe that's just my slightly down mood. It's hard to tell with her, probably right now she just feels like it's ME who wants her to back off a little. I could have said something but, like I said, I'm a bit down. It's strange, but that might actually be a good thing, because the mood of the student body today was 'cautiously upbeat'. Everyone seemed to be very carefully cheerful, like they were always aware that at any moment the cause of their cheerfulness could be taken away. Kind of weird when EVERYONE is acting like that—but, like I said, not me. I was just down and lonely, even with C2 around. Since it's usually up to me to get conversations going with her, we didn't really talk much. Someone I did talk to, though, was Ray. We had free study in the afternoon AGAIN and he just talked to me the whole time. Not about anything really important, just where he grew up ("Granton on the coast" apparently, I've never heard of it) and playing rugby (pretty boring but his enthusiasm is kind of cute) and also quite a bit about how I'm cool and pretty (I admit I enjoyed that). I was careful not to give too much away and I don't think I did, it was actually pretty easy because mostly we talked about him and what he's done.

After that C2 and I had self-improvement class, which was fun again, then we went and did grocery shopping together, which was also fun. No pears in the supermarket yet, which is a shame. There were canned pears, which C2 said were good, but I want my FIRST pear to be a real one, not canned. C2 agreed, I could tell she was kind of happy that I said that. Oh, and she's never had mango! They didn't even have canned mango at the supermarket, I was actually kind of surprised that it's really expensive here and only available for a short time each year. It makes sense, though, this definitely isn't a tropical climate and they'd have trouble growing mangoes, so they'd have to import them. It's a shame I can't contact home, I bet Daniel could just teleport a whole bunch of mangoes here! Or would they count as 'living'?

We had kind of a fun conversation in the supermarket. C2 started it off, I'm not sure but I think she'd been preparing it, like she'd devoted some time to thinking of 'something that I (C2) could talk about with Charlotte'. Anyway, she said:

"Do you think you are a naturally brave person?"

I really had to think about that! If she'd asked me before I came here then I would have answered "Yes!" straight away without hesitation. I'm a superhero, of course I'm brave! But actually there have been times since I arrived here that I've felt kind of scared, because I don't have my powers to protect me if something happens, like if I was attacked then I could actually get hurt, and I couldn't phase-out or run away ... anyway, my answer was:

"I think that, naturally, I'm not a coward. But I don't know if I'm brave or not."

C2 nodded at this, then she said, "I don't know if I could be considered brave either. I don't get scared very easily, in part because of my condition. Things that seem to scare other people don't seem particularly frightening to me."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Insects, spiders, snakes and so forth. My friend Trilli is scared of moths, I can't understand why. They're not poisonous and cannot bite, and although they can cause damage to carpets and clothing, generally speaking they're not threatening. Some moths don't even have mouths."

"I guess that's what they call an 'irrational fear'," I said.

"Irrational, yes exactly," said C2. It was actually the closest I've seen her come to getting excited, it was really cute. "In most situations, I can't help but be rational."

"Is there anything you're scared of, though?" I asked. "I mean, everyone's scared of something, right?"

"Not necessarily," C2 said. "I've read about a condition that blocks—"

"I mean that MOST people are scared of something," I said. "Most normal people."

"I'm not normal," C2 said. "But there are things that scare me."

"Like what?" I asked. "What's your greatest fear?"

C2 didn't have to think long before answering: "Inconveniencing others."

"What?" I said. "That's your GREATEST fear?"

"Even thinking about it makes me feel very uncomfortable," she said. "I'm always careful not to get in anyone's way but sometimes it's impossible. I don't like crossing the road because it means cars have to stop for me. If possible I wait until there are no cars, or time my crossing so that I cause little or no disturbance to the flow of traffic. I always wait away from the crossing area, though, because if I wait close to the road then the driver of the approaching car might see me and stop, thinking I want to cross. It's the same at school or even here in this supermarket. If someone is moving in such a way that their path will cross mine, I try to alter my pace so that they will pass either in front of or behind me. But, sometimes people change their pace also, or their path changes slightly, or they pause. In that situation it's very difficult to know what to do. Often I stop completely. But sometimes it's too late to do that, as I am already occupying the space they intend to pass through, in which case I become confused and frightened and panic. It's the most uncomfortable feeling, and I do my best not to experience it. Another example is when I am talking to someone and cannot judge their mood or reaction to my words, and become caught between 'asking what they are feeling and making them uncomfortable because of the question' and 'guessing what they are feeling and being wrong'. Another very uncomfortable situation for me. That's why my greatest fear is inconveniencing others."

I have to admit, I was kind of fascinated listening to C2 talk about all of that. I feel like maybe I understand her just a little bit better because of it. Anyway, then she said:

"What is your greatest fear?"

I didn't have to think about this at all:

"Getting caught in the event horizon of a black hole—oh, and also getting sucked into a vacuum and explosively decompressing."

This made C2 frown.

"Those both seem unlikely to actually happen," she said. "If you avoid travelling into space then the chances of either of those events happening are as near to zero as to be realistically impossible."

"I know, but they're still definitely my greatest fears," I said. It's true, ever since I was about four and I watched a documentary about space travel and all that kind of stuff I've been scared to DEATH of, I don't know, 'space hazards' I guess you'd call them. "Even though I know there's pretty much no chance of either of them happening to me, just thinking about them still makes me get all shivery."

I could tell C2 didn't really understand, but she said it was interesting to talk about this kind of thing—I agree! It's REALLY fun and interesting to chat about these kind of personal things with your friend, I've totally been missing out these last fifteen years! If only for meeting C2, I'm so glad I came here, never mind all the bad stuff.

Anyway, I'd better stop writing here because I have to get ready for something. I'll write more tomorrow!