Chapter 5 – Death Machine

As the barn burned down behind him, Kuno returned to his party. He saw Don and Walt still with their backs against the wall, fighting against five hogman. The two blinded ones lay dead on the ground, having four other dagger length nails in their chests apart from the two in their eyes.

Kuno panted, leaning against a house, too inexperienced with physical exhaustion.

‘You survived,’ Sammy said from a window inside the house, observing the battle.

Kuno choked on his own saliva, surprised by her voice. He stood up straight. ‘Yeah, of course. I’m the best. Don’t let my rank fool you. I’m vastly undervalued!’

‘I expected you to die back there. Color me impressed. But carrying such bravado will only hurt you here,’ she softly spoke, feeling more comfortable now that they were alone. ‘Be thankful you were ranked as an F-tier,’ she pointed at the wound on his ankle, which only now started to hurt after Kuno saw it.

‘The fire has seared it well,’ Sammy said. ‘If it weren’t hogmen, but something stronger, you’d have lost that foot.’

Kuno swallowed his spit, not because he had to, but because he’d seen it in anime and thought it’d be an appropriate time to do so. ‘Why are you hiding… Shouldn’t you be helping them? I beat a hogman and you’re two ranks higher than I am!’

‘I’m waiting for a moment to be useful,’ she said. ‘You stop talking to me and go find a way to help them.’

Kuno turned to his other party members, just in time to see Walt’s shoulder take a hit. He saw the damage on his face, but apart from that, also an odd sense of joy, completely different from the stone-cold face Don was carrying as he parried his opponents’ strikes.

He nodded to Sammy and ran onward. His loud steps notified to hogman, who, having seen his ability before, cut the pressure off the two fighting party members, taking a couple steps back to create more room between them.

Kuno took position to shoot his Dung Cannon, peeping between his legs to aim at the back of a hogman fighting Walt. He tensed himself, and just as he was about to push, Don saw what Kuno was doing.

‘No! Kuno, stop!’ he shouted, but it was too late.

‘DUNG CANNON!’ he shouted and launched a cannon ball of shit at the hogman.

His cry gave the already suspecting hogman enough time to react. He quickly sidestepped, and to Walt, from behind the hogman, the ball appeared, coming straight at his torso.

He swiftly raised his leg as he did, spinning his toenails 90 degrees to have the edge point skyward. He sliced the ball in six pieces, but four of them still hit him, albeit with less force. Sadly, one hit him in the nuts, causing him to fall and back, raising his voice by many hertz as he said: ‘You fucking idiot!’

Seeing what he had done, Kuno thought: ‘OH NO! Walt has gone prone, which means melee attacks have advantage on hit!’

Two hogman smote Walt, who managed to stop one attack, as the other made its way to his face. Walt’s pupils grew, thinking about the dozens he had seen perish like this. He had prepared himself for this moment months ago, but he would be lying if he wasn’t a bit salty about the way it was happening.

Good thing he saw another ball of shit fly from the corner of his eye.

‘DUNG CANNON!’

He hit the arm of the striking hogman, causing him to miss his attack. Walt didn’t waste this opportunity. He hooked his fingers, locking the blocked blade between his nails. He kicked the other hogman, slicing his ankle to the bone, causing him to kneel, after which Walt shoved his right hand’s fingernails into the wrist holding the scimitar. He tumbled between the legs of the two hogman and ran at Kuno.

‘I-I-I’m sorry! It was an accident! Don’t attack me!!!’ Kuno said, raising his arms.

‘Run, moron!’ Walt said, passing him.

Kuno saw the two hogman make their way towards them, a sight he’d gotten used to. The injured one lacked a couple of steps behind his ally, but still managed to run adequately after them.

‘Do you have a plan!?’ Kuno said as he ran after Walt.

‘It’s hard to find an opening,’ he said. ‘They’re fighting really defensively, even though they’re two on one…’

Kuno gave a confused look, since the one going after him didn’t feel defensive at all. He began thinking, but Walt continued:

‘You’re going to create openings for me, alright?’ he said.

‘Uhh,’ Kuno said as they moved through the alleys. ‘Sure, but how?’

‘That’s for you to figure. Just make sure they can’t dodge it like that slug you just fired at me. What happened to the one targeting you-.’

As soon as he finished that sentence, Walt got tackled by a half charred hogman, popping up from their left. The two rolled on the floor, after which the hogman ended up on top. Kuno tried to get into position, but before he could, the hogman attempted a hammer-fist, trying to crush Walt’s skull.

Noticing the hogman was unarmed, Walt allowed his attack. As his fist traveled downward, Walt shouted: ‘Connect!’

The nails on both hands connected to each other half a foot above his face, creating a net. As the fist of the hogman came down, it got sliced by the net, causing chunks of fingers and bone to hit Walt’s face. The stump left on the hogman’s arm still managed to hit Walt’s chest as it traveled down, causing some damage.

‘Nail gun!’ Walt shouted, but nothing happened to the connected nails on his fingers.

This time, his toenails shot out from behind the hogman, perfectly penetrating his brainstem. Kuno shout another Dung Cannon, hitting the back of the hogman’s head, right as his body went numb. Walt pushed him off of him and freed the connecting nails before he struck the downed hogman between the ribs.

The two chasing hogmen reached Kuno. He didn’t have enough time to shit out another shot, but the sluggish steps of his opponents warned him just in time to turn around and fart in their direction, giving him enough of a boost to create some safe distance.

Kuno caught up to Walt as he held his chest whilst running to right. ‘You good?’ Kuno asked.

‘Think so. I’m running out of steam, though…’ he said.

The barn was burning to their left as they were circling the house to their left. Walt extended his arm and blindly shot his nails at the chasing opponent, who dodged his shot effortlessly. ‘I can slow them down,’ Kuno said.

‘Doo-Doo River!’ he shouted as the river began flowing again.

But when he looked behind him, he saw the hogmen move more to left to avoid his trail of diarrhea. He cut the crap, literally, saying: ‘Nevermind that…’

‘I’m to take them on soon, before I’m too out of breath,’ Walt said. Soon came now, though, with a hogman behind him standing still and shouting: ‘Magical Missile!’

Kuno’s eyes lit up. ‘Oh no…’

Three blue swirling rays of light traveled swiftly through the air, one hitting Kuno in the back and two Walt, causing both of them to fall as they heard a crack from their shoulder blades.

‘Enchantment: Acid!’ the hogman, who kept on running, said, causing his blade to glow in a radiating green color.

‘Fuck-fuck-fuck!’ Kuno said, grabbing Walt’s arm and farting to get them back on their feet. Walt looked exhausted, but caught his balance and turned around to fight the enemy.

The hogman slashed his scimitar towards Walt’s left shoulder. Walt dodge to the right, moving away from the house they’d been circling. Expecting his movement, the hogman push-kicked Walt in the chest. He’d have been able to slice his leg, but the kick against his already damaged chest forced the wind out of him.

Kuno saw the other hogman close in, and knew what he had to do. He began running away. ‘Kuno! Hey!’ Walt said. Kuno didn’t respond, turning the corner of the house and out of sight of Walt.

‘Damn it! He didn’t make a run for it, did he!?’ he thought, blocking the hogman’s blade. But as he did, he noticed the scimitar excreting acid, melting his nails. ‘Fuck!’ he thought, being forced to release the hands damaged nails. He grew them again, blocking the second strike with his other hand, in turn having those nails melt away too.

The other hogman ran behind Walt and attacked. Walt barely managed to juke it, but he knew it wouldn’t be long before he’d get hit. ‘KUNO!’ he shouted. ‘COME BACK, YOU BASTARD!’

Seconds felt like hours, using every fiber in his muscle to dodge both attacks. He panted and panted, his mind going numb to what happened around him. ‘D-Damn… I’m beginning to slip…’ he thought, the edges of his vision turning dark.

Within the darkness, however, Kuno stood, having climbed up the side of the house, aiming his ass at his opponents. The hogman behind Walt saw him, but not fearing the power of the Dung Cannon, especially since he could see it coming, he went for a killing blow on Walt.

Kuno knew his cannon attack wouldn’t do much, but before he climbed the house, he’d already thought of a plan. ‘Force equals mass times acceleration…’ Kuno thought. ‘It’s fine if I lower the mass. As long as I raise the acceleration, I’ll also raise the force…’

He tightened his sphincter – ‘Smaller hole, faster stream!’ he thought, shouting out:

‘Poo-Poo Gatling Gun!’

Out of the sentry like station Kuno, a rapid fire barrage of pebble shits shot out at tremendous speed towards the hogman behind Walt. Aiming it was difficult, but with rounds per minute his ass produced, he didn’t have to perfect. Before the hogman could strike, the pebbles hit him in every corner of his face, and eventually his target, the eyes.

The hogman flinched and seeing his friend get shit on caused the other hogman to do so as well. ‘Behind you, Walt! Slice him now!’ Kuno shouted, waking Walt up from his drowsy state. Mustering up the last of his strength, Walt shouted:

‘Talon Spin!’

He extended his leg back and did a 360 degree spin forward, slicing the blinded hogman’s chest, followed by crashing his toenails down into the other hogman’s skull.

‘Dung Cannon!’ Kuno said, the ball hitting the back of the hogman, allowing Walt to finish him with a strike to the heart.

All three fell down, but while the acid bladed hogman and Walt were unmoving, the hogman who got hit by Kuno’s Gatling Gun stood back up as blood dripped from his sliced face and chest.

Seeing this, Kuno farted from the top of the house and crashed butt first onto the hogman’s face, causing him to fall on his back again. He turned around and kept the hogman’s scimitar on the floor with his feet, saying: ‘I really don’t want to do this, but alas.’

As he sat on the hogman’s face with his bare ass, he softly said:

‘Dung Cannon,’ hitting the hogman’s head at point blank range as his head lay smushed against the floor.

The impact knocked the hogman out immediately and without skipping a beat, Kuno lifted Walt up, walking away from the battlefield, muttering under his breath: ‘Get shit on.’