Arc 1 Epilogue – Arden’s thoughts.

She said, “Help me”. Hearing those words, my heart thudded, and my eyes focused on her. “Help me” those two words are never spoken to me. Ever since the day, I aimed to help people. No one has said that sincerely. Her hand that was so calloused extended towards me. Her beautiful round eyes were like a pond of glass in the morning.

I could never refuse her. I could never refuse someone. It was hammered to me by my foster father that I must help people. I do not understand how to judge others and even though I know the likes of good or evil. I still don’t know. I have been helping people. They would either scorn me or look at me with this odd look.

I always get in trouble and even though it hurts I always help them. I remember someone in the war band who was always with me. I could remember that brave face who threw me away as the lady of Asmara’s attack kills him. He didn’t know me that much and he was even hesitant. Yet, he threw me away with disregard for his safety. Without fear, without hesitation, that person saved me as if he was a hero. I shouted at him but even so he showed me a brave smile.

I could remember that man. I could remember him and because of that, I stayed with the war band. I stayed with the lady of Asmara and hurled him through mountains and cliffs because that man saved me. I was never a hero. Nor was I ever trying to be one. My joy in life was to only help and that is why even though I fell because of the lady I carried. And even though I suffered such hellish pain and experienced the worst days of my life. I still persisted and didn’t hate the lady.

I know I am broken. I know there is something wrong with me. I am a fool. I am a glorious self-deprecating fool. I am an imitation of my foster father whose thoughts I couldn’t understand. Without my father, without the imprint of his knowledge, I am an empty vessel. After all, during that day of the fire, I lost my memories, and all I know was that my parents were dead. My town, my friends, and anyone I knew in that place were dead. I died during that day. Along that day my dreams also died.

My soul was broken. And only through being saved by my foster father that I somehow found myself to aspire to be. My foster father was a lonely man out of this world. He dreamt of being a Hero and seeing how adamant he was about it. I took it in consideration to ‘inherit’ his dreams. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I felt like it was an obligation that I do so.

I never wanted to become some Hero. It is just that I want to force myself into being one. But as I can see, I am a pathetic fool. I killed all of those men and yet, in the end, the person I wanted to kill was the person that I found beautiful and mythical. I believe that Miss Lafiel could see my despair. That eye of hers was so full of kindness makes my brittle heart. I could never raise my dagger against her. And even if I do, I could not possibly win.

That’s why I can only sit down on the floor in despair. I was lost, so lost, but she said those words to me. “Help me”. Those two pairs of words awoke a hearth in my heart. She said that I should stop her. Take her away. I didn’t understand it until I realize what she wanted. She wants me to take her away from the abode of hers. That way I will be able to leave without killing her and at the same time, she will still have the protection of the sun’s crown, at least her tribe would still have them. That was their contract or she says. And in order to get her freedom and stop the killings around.

She wanted me to take her away.

That’s all I need to do.

Help me, she said. I could never refuse. And even if I do, then what, will I go back to the town like nothing? I already went this far and there was no need to think about it. I hate myself. I hate how foolish I am for persisting in this dream of my foster father. I knew I could never be my foster father. And I know that Susan is right.

I should help myself sometimes.

She always says that to me, over and over again. I could never dig it down my thick head until today. Today, I finally learned something that I should face bravely.

I am a fucking fool.

I could never be a good helper and doing so would do nothing good to anything and anyone.

I slaughtered and slaughtered and it did not do anyone good.

Typically I would persist and be stubborn out of it.

But today I don’t feel like doing it. I just want to gracefully give up and accept reality for what it is. I failed. I slaughtered and now I must stop. My foster father stopped when that fire spread.

He condemned himself because of that.

And I too will condemn myself.

And just like what he did to me when he found me.

I will do what I can to help the person in front of me.

So I grabbed her soft hand. I stood up upright, trying to put a brave face and said:

“I will.”

She smiled, her lips reaching up to her ears.

“Then let’s go.”

She then turned around. Her body glowed and before long the whole abode of hers got instantly decimated. I followed her. My limbs were all hurting and I was tired, so tired. But even so, I will follow her for now. Help her, with all my might.

That is the only way I can and might save myself.

Because if I don’t. Then I will become worse.