Together the Princess and I walked through the dimly lit streets of the city’s commoner district. My arm was currently entangled in both of her own as she leaned against me as we made our way back towards the inn. She smiled up at me and pressed my arm against her lacking chest provocatively. If she meant to tempt me, she’d soon learn that I have an iron will and am immune to such charms. Mostly because there was nothing to charm me with. Besides, my mind was more focused on the feeling that we were being watched rather than the feeling of her nigh-nonexistent bosoms.

“So how did you find out we were staying at Burson’s?” I asked the Princess in an attempt to distract her from trying to distract me.

“Simple, my love. I asked if anyone had seen four well-dressed women wandering around. They pointed me in your direction. Its not often four noblewomen walk around the common district, especially without guards.” She smiled up at me, “If you truly didn’t want to be remembered, you should have stolen a carriage from the castle.”

“Just what I wanted on my list of crimes in this Kingdom. Harold Lisbe, wanted for assault, aiding and abetting known criminals, breaking out of an institute of the law, and grand theft equine.” Kaithlyn laughed as I finished my list of felonies.

“Don’t worry my love, I won’t let them take you from me. Thats why I sought you out in the first place.” Her face turned serious. “My father wants to kill you.”

“Really? You don’t say.” Alas, my sarcasm fell short upon the Princess’ ears.

“Indeed.” She nodded. “When I heard him threaten to kill you I knew I couldn’t sit idly by and let you face him alone. So I came to help you kill him.”

I stopped in my tracks and rooted around in my ear with a finger and flicked some wax at some homeless guy sleeping in the street. I could’ve sworn I had just heard something so completely crazy that I don’t think I’d ever hear it again. “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

“I want to help you kill my father. Its the only way you’ll be safe from him, and the only way we’ll ever be together.”

I stared directly into her eyes. There was no hesitation in her voice, no hint at having second thoughts. Kaithlyn was completely determined to love me, even if it meant killing her own father. In all my life, I have met many girls. But never once had one ever offered to kill her own father for me. In fact, I don’t think any woman at any point in time had said those very words. I was deeply honored by her love, and more than a little afraid of it at the same time.

“You want to kill your father…for me?”

“If that is what it takes, yes.” She nodded firmly.

“Kaithlyn.”

“Yes?”

“No girl has ever offered to kill her father for me…” I was actually starting to tear up at the thought of such devotion. I finally knew why people sang those stupid love songs that are always on the radio. “I think I love you.” I stated as I grasped her hands in my own. She gasped with wide eyes. A radiant smile rapidly covered her face as she once more tangled herself around my arm. Just as she began to lean on me once more, a group of thuggish looking men walked out in front of us from a side street. Loud footsteps came from behind as well. We were surrounded, the poor bastards.

“Aww, lookit what we got here boys. Two girls arm ‘n arm like lovers.” The lead thug spoke who looked just as dirty as he sounded.

“Sorry buddy.” I stated pointing towards myself. “Not a girl.”

“Eh? You some kind of freak, guy?” the leader asked as sneers sounded all around.

“The fuck you gonna do if I am?”

“Harold.” Kaithlyn whispered, “You take the ones in the front. I’ve got the back.” I squeezed her hand in confirmation. Not only did she suggest killing her father for me, she was also down for a street brawl. Shame she was too young for me, I was seriously reconsidering my stance on turning away her advances.

“Well, even if ye are a freak, we’ll let ya go if you hand over the girl.” The leader spread his hands out as if presenting an offering of peace. “We’ll take good care of ‘er.” The man and his cronies all around us laughed. Just as I prepared to charge the group in front of me to lay a massive beatdown, the clacking of bones sounded just ahead.

“Master!” Arngrim cried out, “Get away from my master you hooligans!” He brandished his massive sword which gleamed dangerously in the dim street light.

“B-boss!” One of the cronies gasped.

“A skeleton?! Black magic?!” The man cried out in fear.

“Thats right.” I laughed. “But I don’t need any spells to beat your asses! Lets go guys! Arngrim, strike with your fists, no need to kill these poor bastards.” I ordered my skeletal companion.

“Screw this!” The leader cried out as we readied ourselves. “Lets get out of here boys!” In an instant, the entire group of thugs fled into the night. I stood dumbfounded as I watched the group of nine men disappear in the darkness.

“Master, are you alright?” Arngrim asked as he approached me.

“I’m fine…” I sighed, “You ruined everything you sack of bones!” I cried out as I shook my skeletal servant. "Kaithlyn and I were going to have a lovely evening beating down some thugs together and you ruined it!"

“Perhaps next time, my love.” Kaithlyn patted my arm reassuringly.

“Unhand him you wench!” Arngrim shouted as he rushed towards the Princess who proceeded to deck him so hard that his skull went flying.

“I am no wench!” Kaithlyn yelled out as she rubbed her knuckles.

“Nice punch.” I applauded lightly. The night brawl may have prematurely ended, but at least I got to see she could throw a mean punch. A girl that can throw a right hook like that is one to treasure. Shame she was too young for me.

After collecting Arngrim’s skull, and explaining to him that the Princess was on our side, the skeletal man went down on his knees and begged for forgiveness. After introductions were exchanged, we made our way back to the inn. Once there, I had Arngrim hide in the stable nearby so he wouldn’t scare anyone half to death. While we were in the stable, Kaithlyn took a bag off of a white horse that she said was hers. Not wanting to pry, I shrugged and the two of us proceeded into the inn. As we entered the modest establishment, we both received a stern talking to from a rather red-in-the-face Burson. I totally explained that it wasn’t my fault, and Kaithlyn admitted to acting rather rashly when she heard me in a room alone with another man. She then, with her Princess-y manner, promised to reimburse the man for the damages caused. In fact, we even got a better room out of the deal after he had found out that she was the Princess.

I whistled as we walked into our new room. A massive bed sat at the far side of the room with a large trunk positioned right at the foot. Fine curtains lined the window that overlooked the street. Compared to my last room, this had to be the penthouse suite. I sat upon the bed expecting straw, and was surprised when it felt far softer and less itchy than the aforementioned filling. Curious, I plucked a small hole in the mattress and found it filled with wool. Talk about fancy.

My attention from the contents of the bed firmly shifted when I saw the Princess shedding her clothes in a very sensual manner. A knowing smile crossed her face as she watched me watch her. I swallowed hard as she began pulling off her all too tight horse riding pants exposing her perfect pale legs beneath the thin fabric. I did the only thing I could in this situation as she turned around and kicked her leggings away and stood in her underwear provocatively. I prayed.

“Oh Father who art in Heaven, please guide me in this moment of great need. Oh great Buddha, please show me the path to eternal peace of mind.” I began praying to every God I knew just to cover my bases. “Oh Allah- wait, his prophet had a twelve year old as a wife. Wrong God to pray to here. Oh Ra who shines upon the sands of Egypt, please blind me from this sight so that I may not face temptation.”

“What are you doing, my love?” Kaithlyn asked as she climbed into the bed next to me and rubbed my shoulders.

“Praying for salvation.” I answered as I finished my last prayer to Galactic Lord Xenu to cease this nuclear explosion that was awaiting inside the volcano in my pants. “You remember what we discussed about bedroom etiquette, correct?”

“Of course, beloved!” She gasped in mock surprise. “Why, I was just preparing myself for the night’s slumber is all. I remember our rules. I stick to my side of the bed and you’ll stick to yours.”

I tapped my foot upon the wooden floorboards. “And?”

“And I promise not to do anything while you sleep.” She began to pant. “And I promise to…to…” she never finished that promise as she began drooling. This wasn’t going to work, just as I expected. I sighed as I stood up from the bed, separating myself from her attempted seduction. “Are you going to undress, my love?”

“In a minute.” I fake promised. “Wait right here.” She nodded and I left the room. It was time for plan B. Minutes later, I returned to the room with two lengths of rope. “Lay down on the bed Kaithlyn.”

“Yes my love!” She excitedly stated and followed my command. Not wasting a minute, I tied her to the bed just like the second time we had met. “ I love it when you tie me up like this, my love…” Kaithlyn groaned out as I tightened the ropes enough to make sure she couldn’t escape. She stared at me from her position with hungry eyes and I felt that horrible chill rush down my spine once more.

“Please try to get some sleep Princess. We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

“Are you going to kill my father?” She asked seriously.

“Of course not!” I lightly chopped her on the head. “Regicide is the very last option on the list. No, we’re going to escape this city and you’re going to help. I’ve got more pressing issues at hand.” Such as earning a favor from a very attractive and very legal Goddess, but she didn’t need to know about that.

With that done, I walked as far from the bed as possible and laid down upon the hard wood surface. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing to lay upon, but definitely not the worst I’ve experienced. Besides, it was only for one night. After my escape I’d have to find some way to ditch this lustful Princess so I could seek out the Demon Lord free of the fear of being sexually assaulted by a minor.

“Harold, my love?” Kaithlyn asked in a sweet voice from the bed.

“Yes Kaithlyn?”

“These ropes may be stopping me from doing something to you…but whats stopping you from doing such to me? Especially with me so helpless before you…” She spoke suggestively.

“I have faith.” I spoke with a conviction that I didn’t feel.

“Faith? In the Goddesses?” She asked in surprise.

“No. I have faith in Ghandi. That man tested his resolve by sleeping in the middle of a large group of young naked women. If he can do that, then I can handle just one!” I desperately prayed that I was right. I could feel the sweat running down my face. Kaithlyn didn’t help things by constantly moving about on the bed and groaning in a very salacious manner, which caused my mind to erupt in impure thoughts. I lasted a whole five minutes before I had to excuse myself and went to go sleep in the stables with Arngrim.

That night, for the first time in awhile, I didn’t find myself in the presence of the Goddesses. No, instead I faced a dream far worse. I dreamt of a once peaceful world bathed in nuclear fire with Ghandi laughing maniacally as he damned us all.