Jesus Wept woke up out of a dream of a tiny yet scrumptiously voluptuous Asian woman nestling his head between her massive boobs. He turned in his sleep and slobbered a little bit, “ooooooh baby! Ahhhhhh!”

He reached out, with his left hand to cup her breast, first one, then he moved to the second, then in his deep lucid dreaming Jesus moved past the stitching to feel her beautiful and massive third and then fourth boob. “Wow baby, so curvy, totally more to go around,” he groaned.

His hand moved downward searching for a vagina exploring yet a fifth, a sixth, a seventh, an eighth boob. Still no vagina. “Why so quiet girl, you gotta understand baby, a man’s got needs. I know you want it and I want it bad too.”

Now both hands were searching around, frantically looking for a vagina, and all he could find were boobs, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen. In any normal situation, this would be paradise, but now this lucid dream was rapidly becoming a nightmare.

Jesus Wept open his eyes. Visions of a voluptuous women disappeared from his mind. All around him was white. He was lying on a padded white floor; the breasts he had been feeling was the pillowy white expanse that had been sewn in breast like grids of padding. This padding stretched across the floor, walls, and ceiling. There didn’t seem to be any door, but on the wall closest to him there was a small metal slot near the floor.

Jesus’s smaller head said, “Boobs?”

“Nop little me, no Boobs. Up until that point it was almost a perfect dream wasn’t it?” said Jesus

“Boobs” said the Jesus’ other head agreeing.

There was a ball of light floating near the ceiling which lit the entire room. In the corner was a floating blob of water – a water elemental that provided a steady stream of cold fresh water.

Next to the water elemental was void hole in the floor. Except for the padding this was some pretty fancy digs. High end loony bin decor. Magic.

If Jesus had known more magic maybe he could have taken advantage of the situation. But Jesus didn’t like magic. Oh, in Jesus’ lizard brain, he knew that it was true, magic made things blow up real nice. Jesus was a simple man who liked simple things. More of an analogue kind of dude, not digital. Jesus knew what he liked, and Jesus liked guns and explosives, not spells and hocus pocus hoodoo.

Which isn’t to say that Jesus had not learned any Magic. It was hard to be part of a raid group without picking something up. Early on, Jesus had gone through a phase. He had talents. Jesus could perform a couple of spells with ease.

1) Jesus could magically undo a bra.

2) Jesus could create a gust of wind that was strong enough to blow a skirt up

3) And Jesus had just enough x-ray vision to see through panties.

Useful skills one and all.

Jesus Wept wondered why he’d been put here. He wondered why God had created the heavens and the earth. Jesus wondered why humanity lived, and why humanity died. He contemplated eternity. Then Jesus realized that he had a boner so he masturbated for 10 minutes in order to get rid of it. Tiny Asian girls with at least 16 breasts, sometimes more, merged with the image of a very naked Shrike he’d seen just this morning. Damn he should have taken screen caps.

Was it still this morning?

Jesus checked his internal clock and discovered that his clock was greyed out. That was strange. Then he checked his logout button. That was greyed out too. Climaxing, Jesus Wept all over the slot in the wall, Jesus realized that there was really only one thing left that he could do.

He took off his shirt and pants and tied them in a firm knot. There was nothing on the ceiling to attach his clothes too. That would make things harder. Instead Jesus lay down on the ground, raised his leg and tied off one end around his leg, the other end around the neck of his smaller more fragile head. One small movement from his leg, and the knot would tighten cutting off his air supply.

Then he kicked his leg down forcing it to the ground, choking himself in a noose until he died.

An indeterminate time later Jesus Wept woke up after respawning again.

He resisted the self-imposed illusion that the cushioned floor was made of boobies. Okay, maybe he tried to suckle on the stitching a bit. Life wasn’t that kind.

His arms were wedged behind his back. He couldn’t move them. Jesus open his eyes and looked around. Same room, same padded walls, same padded floor. Except now he was wearing a straight jacket. No chance of choking himself to death.

Strange. Jesus had never died and then been reborn without having the option of where to be reborn. Something odd was definitely going on.

“What do you think little head of mine? This is strange isn’t it?” Jesus Wept said to his other head.

His other head stuck his tongue out and made a raspberry sound. “Ppppffffttttt”

“Yup, I agree. It does kinda suck.” Said the much smarter wiser Jesus head.

The slot in the wall opened up and someone slid a plate of mashed potatoes with cheese and gravy, plus green beans, and a cheese burger with bacon into the room.

At least they weren’t trying to starve him.

It was hard eating without using his hands. Jesus had to stuff his face right into the food, and eat like a dog, directly from the plate. Jesus kept the tasty Burger for himself, and let his smaller head eat the veggies, when it was the smaller head’s turn to eat. Jesus would have shared, but he didn’t really like the taste of green beans and his smaller head didn’t mind. They both shared the mashed potatoes. When they were done, both of their faces were covered with food. Gravy dripped from both of their foreheads, and the smaller Jesus had a green bean up his nose.

“Yummy” said the smaller head.

“Yup. Good food.” Said Jesus.

Even though he was imprisoned by unknown and probably perverted captors who presumably wanted to perform anal probes on his virgin ass… Jesus actually felt real comfy. The only things he really needed right now was booze and porn and this would be as perfect a meal as he might have made in his own apartment.

Jesus turned and looked at his second head and said “What do you think? We need booze and porn don’t we.”

Jesus’s second much smaller head said “Fuckin-A”

“Right on little buddy” replied Jesus.

Taking a look around the room, he spent about 5 minutes searching until he found a hidden video camera near the ceiling. Jesus stood in front of the camera, and yelled out the words “I need booze and porn! Come on, is this Guantanamo or what? Isn’t it against the Geneva convention that prisoners have access to Booze and Porn or something, man.” Jesus would have waved his arms if he hadn’t been in a straitjacket.

Nothing came not even an exceptionally horny Jesus.

After a while it occurred to Jesus that maybe the camera didn’t have audio. He thought about talking louder like he did with foreign people who spoke different languages, but decided that a better method was get better results.

“Are you thinking the same thing as I am,” said Jesus 1 to a minuscule Jesus 2.

“Poop,” said Jesus 2.

Jesus Wept made his way over to the magic void hole in the center of the floor in order to discharge his meal bowels.

Undoing his pants proved difficult. He had to step on one pant leg with his opposite leg, and pry them off with his feet. Luckily they had an elastic waistband.

Jesus squatted over the magic void hole, and then purposely moved one step to the left, and clenched his muscles forcing feces to leave his intestines out his bum hole and onto the floor. The poo came out in little balls. Jesus hadn’t been eating enough fiber recently.

When he was done taking his poo, Jesus stood, he backed backwards into the wall near the void hole and wiped his ass on the well cushioned faux breasts wall padding. When he was done he turned to his smaller head and said “What do you think?”

“Stinks”

“Your right it does stink, who’s a smart little head. You are, that’s who, you’re a smart little head.” Said Jesus.

“Fuckin-A,” said the smaller head.

“Well, here goes nothing,” said Jesus.

Jesus bent over, and with his teeth and lips picked up one of his turd balls in his mouth. He walked over to the wall opposite the video camera still carrying the turd in his mouth. It tasted like shit.

When he was at the far wall he began to use the turd to write. In big clear brown letters, Jesus carefully wrote the word “Beer & Porn!” on the wall. The room smelt absolutely disgusting, but Jesus had smelt much worse so it didn’t bother him that much. The Jesus walked over to the slot in the floor, sat down and began to wait expectantly.

After a half an hour, when nothing had come. Jesus was getting bored.

“Me bored” said Jesus’s smaller head.

“Me too. Oh well, I guess we will have to move our timeline up.”

Jesus stood up and walked over to the void hole which he had not quite used as a bathroom. Beside the void hole was the floating bubble of water; the water elemental. Normally people who lived in big fancy mansions used an elemental like this as a bidet and maybe a second element a source of fresh water. Here they expected him to use it as both. Since the water was always fresh and clean no matter what you put into it, it was really a nice thing to have in a prison.

“Oh well, are you ready little guy?”

“Yup.”

“See you on the other side.” Said Jesus who plunged his entire face into the water and began to take deep breaths. Shortly after that Jesus drowned and died.

An indeterminate time after Jesus was reborn he woke up, on a hospital bed. His arms and legs were bound to the bed. In his mouth was an S&M ball gag. Despite the fact that Jesus’s head was strapped down to the bed, he had just enough give to look over at his second head, that also had a much smaller ball gag stuffed into its mouth and was similarly strapped to the bed in a way that didn’t allow much head movement.

A needle with a nutrient drip was in his arm.

Jesus though ‘I didn’t see a log out button that time too. Whoever these people are they must have disabled it. I didn’t think that was possible. I also couldn’t choose where I would respawn. Strange. What do you think second head?’

Jesus imagined his second head agreeing with him.

After a while, a man and a woman came into the room.

The man looked almost exactly like Mr. Smith as played by Hugo Wallace Weaving – but with enough differences as to not violate anybody’s copyrights – from some old twentieth century movie he could vaguely remember about virtual reality. What was it… You aren’t helping small head. Ah yes, The Texas Chainsaw massacre.

The woman was dressed as a nurse, wearing a short white dress, with a big red cross on it. She checked his vital signs and made sure he was firmly secured in his hospital bed.

“I am surprised at your groups persistence. You have all tried finding ways to vex us. Well, you will be happy to learn that we have everything well in control now. Though I’ve never seen someone actually eat shit and die before. The footage of your exploits have been quite entertaining.” Mr. Smith said.

“Groan. Mumble-Mumble.” Said Jesus Wept.

“Groan. Mumble-Mumble.” Said Jesus Wept’s smaller head.

“Of course we could make the terms of your imprisonment much more comfortable for you. Maybe even provide you with a supply of the booze and porn you requested. If you help us capture your leader, the one you call Necrobump. He has proven to be extremely elusive.” Said Mr. Smith.

“Groan. Mumble-Mumble.” Said Jesus Wept.

“Groan. Mumble-Mumble.” Said Jesus Wept’s smaller head.

“Oh well, our analytic and psychological team expected you to be uncooperative. I’ll have you know we tried using the classic Prisoner’s dilemma of Game Theory on your friends with no success. Impressive. With you, well… Our intel indicated that you simply weren’t smart enough and too sociopathic to care about your friends well-being. But similarly, you’re self-interest wouldn’t let you betray your leader.”

“Oh well. Don’t bother trying to kill yourself again. This building is cut off from the Server Worlds, and we control the respawning process here. You will be here for a long-long time.”

Jesus glared at Mr. Smith. The nurse in the small dress was done refilling the intravenous nutrient drip. Mr. Smith turned to her and said “done?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Good, let’s get out of here. Mr. Wept. Good luck and enjoy the quiet.”

As Mr. Smith moved to the door a sudden breeze came rose out of nowhere in the room and blew the Nurse’s short skirt up. Simultaneously her bra popped off.

“Groan! Mumble-Mumble!” Said Jesus Wept