A *Ping* noise alerts me that the dungeon has visitors. I roll over in bed and check the dungeon’s security cameras. Oh! It’s the protagonisty looking party, the ones who gave me the ability to speak. They enter the improved first room. Long gone is the spike put. It has been expanded to take up the entire room and deepened to an absurd length. Even now skeletons sit at the bottom of the pit with hammers and chisels breaking farther down into the planet's crust. Why is this dude here again?

I call out to them through the dungeon’s PA system. “Sup guys. I made the dungeon non-lethal so why are you here?”

The party gasps and form a defensive formation. “The skeleton!” they hiss under their breaths before addressing me. “It’s not non-lethal. Another adventurer has gone missing inside of it.”

I haven't noticed anyone, maybe he snuck in while I was out? I check my DP. Ooof, yeah. I have fifty more DP than I should have. “He probably fell into the pit. I’m not responsible for idiots who can‘t even see a giant pit in front of them.”

"We trusted you!" the priest yells.

I shrug, that's not my problem.

“Your dungeon is harmful to mankind! We will destroy your core.” The hero proclaims.

Jesus, do they destroy everything that hurts a human. Their damn cities must be covered in bubble wrap and round corners. Sharks must be extinct, killed my wayward adventurers in the name of human safety.

A girl from his harem steps forward. Her face, chest, and groin covered by a black wrapping. The rest of her body is left exposed. Not totally exposed, she has a small layer of hair. My eyes are drawn to her fucked up knees. They bend backward like cheetah legs. She gets to the side of the pit, flashes a complicated string of gang signs, screams “W̷a̶l̴l̶ ̶W̷a̷l̵k̴ ̴J̷u̸t̷s̸o̸” Then proceeds to walk on the wall across the gap and into the other room.

It’s fine i'll use the old block the door and beat her down with hidden skeletons trick will still work.

She spots the heavy block I used before to block the door. Instead of walking past it, she grabs it. She uses it as a door jam to keep the door open.

Well, there’s that plan foiled. She enters the second room. There has been no change in this room except that the hidden room has been converted into a storage closet for all the tools the skeletons use to dig.

She waits a few tense seconds for the trap to spring. I order my boys not to attack. A few more seconds and she seems to loosen up. Switching from attack mode to search mode. She ‘searches’ the room by punching the wall, scooting over four feet, then punching the wall again. Her strategy is reminiscent of the first day dark souls 3 players. Before the location of every illusionary wall was posted to the wiki. She finds the hidden storage room. It’s full of shovels and pickaxes. She takes them.

WTF she’s looting my tools. Fucking ninja ass thief.

She takes them back to her party.

They form a huddle about their next options. They have entered a newer dungeon. There was a giant pit followed by an empty room with shovels in it.

“That’s a new puzzle!” The dude shouts. “It’s so innovative. Who would ever think that the solution to a puzzle would be to alter the layout of the dungeon ourselves? I don’t know if that’s allowed in the rules, but the clues align. Gives us an example of digging with this giant hand-dug pit, supplies us shovels, we are obviously meant to dig around the pit.”

“Ugh, then we have to dig.” The mage girl rolls her eyes. She is an alabaster elf with the same three areas covered as the ninja girl. She does have a cape and a large hat on though. So she is the most clothed girl in the party.

“Yeah, but it’s a new puzzle challenge!”

It is not. It is a giant fuck-off pit twenty, by twenty, by a lot feet in volume.

They offer their thanks to me. Something similar to the Japanese Itadakimas that they say before a meal, except they are saying it before tearing into my damn walls.

They carve out a slim path along the wall of the pit. I call up my skeletons from the next room. “Knock 'em down, boys! Don’t let them cross.”

The protagonist notices them. “OMG that’s brilliant, our footing is compromised and we are in a precarious situation. It’s the perfect time to send minions to attack us.” He seems genuinely excited by being attacked while on a small ledge. “I’m sorry Mr. DM, your ideas are cool, but you are held back by your monster typing. Skeletons can be one-shot by our priest.”

The priest prays into her staff before unleashing a wave of yellow light into the room. “G̷r̵e̴a̷t̴e̸r̷ ̵t̴u̴r̵n̴ ̷u̵n̶d̶e̶a̷d̶” The skeletons crumble to dust.

“Now, some harpies would be awesome here! Maybe a bulky ranged type monster to be constantly attacking from the other side! Oh! An undead mage would work! You’re an undead you probably know an undead mage or two.”

Racist, not all undead know each other.

This guy has a fetish for dungeoneering. I can already tell.

They cross the pit, find the hidden door in the second room, and make their way to the core room. I’m not too worried, the core is still buried in a very deep well and covered in concrete. It’s doubtful that they have the supplies to dig that far down.

“It’s not here.” The priest lady says.

“Amazing! how subversive! This is such an innovative dungeon. Guys, okay. Huddle up.”

The black-haired male lead huddles with his harem of hot girls. “We could spend an hour looking for the core in a hidden room, or maybe we just go home?”

Please, please go home. Please. My bones sweat. They are standing in the room that I cemented the dungeon core in and they are holding pickaxes.

“But that would mean we have failed our mission.”

“Yeah, but it gives Mr. Skeleton.”

“Anon.”

“Hiro” he gives his name then turns to his party. “It gives Anon more time to fix up his dungeon.”

“That’s against the prophecy.”

“Cmon, I’m the hero of humanity. I’m allowed some fun. Clearing these dungeons sent by the demon king is boring. They all use the ‘send progressively stronger monsters to be slaughtered’ or ‘Here is an endless labyrinth. The secret was to guide yourself by the stars' tropes. I was bored of those before I reincarnated. I think him being such a weak monster in the demon king’s army has allowed him to break the mold. It’s refreshing.”

I’m not affiliated and never will be with anyone who calls themselves the demon king. Unless it's for a lot of money and even then I’m still not putting myself in harm's way for him.

The hero stands up, whistling innocently. “Well, I guess we can’t find the core. Our supplies are really low, guess we should restock.”

A grumble from the party ninja. “You have an entire army worth of rations in your item box.”

“Yeah, but you don’t want rations. You want fresh meat!”

“Fresh meat!” The cheetah girl clings to his side at the mention of fresh meat. I feel dirty, my skin was saved by his weird fetish and that girls lust for fresh meat.