June 20th. 2012

“You’re getting used to it,” Emily noted as I don’t cough this time.

I’m still not used to the feeling, however. They keep giving me hybrids so it’s not just the body or head, it’s both. It’s euphoric but at the same time relaxing. “I’ve had a few days of practice,” I said back, giving the bowl to Andrew.

“Chris gave me a bag of coke, anyone want some?” Sara suggested. When I looked at her, she looked away. I didn’t know why she still hated my guts. She hardly acknowledged me whenever I hung around her. I was never directly a bitch to her, that was one Amanda.

“Where is Chris anyways?” I asked.

“He’s meeting with his dealer, he’ll join us soon,” Emily answered, pulling out her phone out of her purse.

We were all walking towards the highest hill of the town. It overlooks almost the entire town and you can see the faint skyscrapers of Seattle's of the forest line. It’s not a place I visited a lot because there was nothing to do up there, but it’s a great place for dates.

“I thought Chris was the drug dealer?”

“Nah, he only the guy who gives us the stuff he made on his own. When Chris needs special shit, he goes to Lyle,” Andrew responded taking a hit.

I didn’t know it then, but I was about to hear the first description of the man who would give me the gun to have the power to change fate itself. “Who’s Lyle?”

“Just some guy Chris met. He’s chill,” Andrew laughed nervously. “Real easy to fall in love with. I suggest you stay away.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

I looked around the group. Emily and Cody were leading the group, talking together, laughing. That little bit of jealousy I’ve gain on Emily over the week is there. Part of me wanted to run up to them and pull Cody away. It doesn’t make sense for them to be in love and not be together regardless whatever bullshit excuse Emily gave. Andrew, Stephanie, and Carlos were a few steps behind them. I was walking alone, with Isaac and Sara behind me. Isaac called out the attention of Emily and ran up to her, leaving Sara alone. This gave me the perfect opportunity have my one on one with her.

I stopped dead in my tracks then matched my pace with Sara’s. She was texting, ignoring me like always. “What is your problem with me, Sara?” I’m blunt. It’s who I am.

Of course, I already knew it what it was. Last year at P.E. “Nothing,” she said, not even looking up.

I’ve always tried my best to ignore her. She’s a sweet girl who was once my gym buddy. I left her alone when Amanda or all those other girls called her names. I thought if I did that, she would see I wasn’t so bad. “Look, whatever happened between us two years ago, it happened and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I pushed you away like that. I didn’t know that you were-”

“What? Gay?” she said quietly. Clearly, only a handful of people know.

“I didn’t know that back then If I did, I wouldn’t have-”

“Just stop,” Sara put her phone down and looked over to me. “You did what was best for you, but it also happened to be best for me too.”

Sara Mera was the goth-punk girl at P.E. that didn’t know anyone in. I was the rising star that was still being slept on. Nobody cared about me yet, so I didn’t know anyone either. We became friends because of this. We did everything together in class to make sure none of us were left out. I don’t think best friends would be the right word to use, but best friends at class would describe it perfectly.

In the hallways, we would just nod and say hi to each other because understood we were in different cliques. Back then she would hang out with the emo kids more than she did with Emily and Cody. Because we understood this, our friendship was exclusive for class only. I knew that she knew that getting on my good side was going to be great for the rest of the next four years. And that happened, for the most part, if we weren’t friends, I’ll be on the side of Amanda.

I think it was towards the end of September where we had our fallout. “But I was embarrassed, it was in the heat of the moment. I didn’t mean stop being your friend because of it.”

Sara smiled, “Well, I’m sorry I did it.”

It was in the girl’s locker room, after class. I stayed that much longer than I should of because my then boyfriend and I were having this huge fight. For whatever reason, Sara stayed late too. It was just the two of us there and there were about 3 minutes before the next class showed up.

We were having small talk, y'know, about our next class. Sara was sitting next to me and next thing I know, I was being kissed. It was surprising and completely left field but I didn’t stop it.

I let it happen long enough for our shirts to be off and long enough for the first girl of the next class showed up. I stopped it then because that girl was Ariana the Senior, the girl who had my spot in the social hierarchy before me. If she saw me, she would’ve ruined me and I wouldn’t be here right now.

I didn’t speak a word to Sara after that day.

“I just don’t want us to be weird now that I’m hanging out with you guys.”

Sara smiled as if she understood.

Chris would come to join us later. I hung out with Cody mostly, smoking more weed and getting high and higher. I got so high that I lost the sense of time. I lost the sense of who I was for the moment.

Emily would join us from time to time and I would watch the way Cody would talk to her. He paid more attention to her when he talked to her. It was as if he cared more about her.I just didn’t understand, I couldn’t. So I played nice.

I know they’re best friends. I know that Emily said they were in love and knew their friendship was more important. I know I was Elizabeth Wilson and had no reason to be worried, but I was jealous. I don’t get jealous.

Eventually, everyone started to head home and I stayed still. “Are you coming?” Cody asked, naturally leaving with Emily.

I shook my head, everyone has left, everyone except Sara who was laying on the grass. “Sara will walk me home.”

“Okay, text me when you get home.”

It was just like that. He didn’t even try to fight it. Of course, I was pissed at him. It was a petty reason, but he should’ve had at least stayed.

And it’s not like things were going great with Cody. They were. If this was any other story, this would be a romance. I would talk about every little thing Cody does that makes me like him. I would be talking about all the subtle things Cody doesn’t know he does.

For example, Cody likes to rap to himself really quietly when there’s silence. He also likes to hold me by the waist by one hand when we kiss. I could talk about how Cody reverts to the watchful eyes of his when he’s in deep thought. It’s only when he’s analyses what he should do next or when he’s trying to figure someone out that he turns on those eyes. He didn’t know what I was talking about when told him about it.

Cody exceeded my expectations. I expected a summer fling but the more I got to know him the more I started to actually like him. It’s why I was so hurt that he paid more attention to Emily that day.

If this was a love story I would talk about how I talked to Cody about it days later and he would apologize and promise to return the affection. But it’s not, I never did. This is a tragedy where everyone loses at the end.

I ruined everyone’s lives, one way or another.

My first victim? Sara.

“When did you start coke?” I asked her, scooting my butt to sit next to her.

“A few weeks ago, before school ended, why?”

I shrugged even though she couldn’t see it. “Just curious. Why did you?”

“Why does anyone do anything in this town?”

To have fun. To escape. To run away.

“Do you like it?”

Sara sat up, clearly really high on it right now. “It’s good. It’s good. I only do it when Chris has some on hand which isn’t much. It helps me get my mind off things.”

“What things?”

She shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. You want to try some?”

“No, I barely started smoking weed. I’m not keen on the hard.”

“C’mon, it's just one time. Besides, it's not every day Chris and Andrew have some on hand,” Sara pulled out a small baggie containing the white powder from her backpack.

“How do you guys even afford to buy so much? Not even my friends go that hard.”

Sara giggled, “We only get some when Andrew and Chris go see that drug dealer Lyle. We just like to have fun. And Andrew likes to catfish dudes out of money so it’s never an issue.”

I thought about my brother and wondered if this is how he got into coke. He probably went overboard with our parent's money and that’s how Mom was able to find out. Matthew was a weak minded guy who let it take control of him, I was nothing like him. I’m mentally stronger than him, I thought.

Sara pulled out a book and razor blade. “Life is too short, Eli. If you really want to make it up to me for ditching me as a friend, then do a line with me.”

I sigh, “Fine. But one, I’m not about to break my morals just because I want to.”

Sara smiled, laying down all the powder on the book and cutting it into two small lines. It seemed a lot more in a ball. I watch her snort the coke just like everyone does in the movies, like everyone I know. She passed me the rolled up dollar bill and book. I hesitate. That one line of snow-white seemed so intimidating. I was just about to break the one thing I thought was going to be unbreakable, after all, I am incorruptible.

But It’s just one line, and never again. Just to try it, once.

Several minutes later, the high from the pot instantly fades away. That heaviness and drowsiness of the gray hue tones around me suddenly are lifted and turned bright. The world became much more focused than anything I ever had. It’s sort of like Adderall where I can see and interpret everything. But I felt like the queen I always was. Everyone loved me. I was better. I was perfect.

Everything was perfect.

I can do anything.

I can be anything.

I am a God. I am a Goddess.