June 24-July 24th, 2012

With Pandora’s Box open there wasn’t anything else holding me back from being the person I was always too afraid to be. I had no more limits, and such I tried my best to see how far I could go.

Like always, there was something to do every night. Sometimes it would be a party at someone’s house. There I would drink to my heart's content with my new friends. Sometimes Andrew would even give me a line of coke. If it wasn’t a party, it would be a kickback. Either at Emily’s or Carlos or at mine. And if it wasn’t a kickback I would spend my nights hanging out with Cody and some else. It’s usually Emily but sometimes Chris or Andrew.

In the mornings I would hang out with either Jana Kramer or Cody. With Cody, I would usually spend my time watching him skate at the town’s skate park and we would get food after. One day Emily invited me to go the mall with her and Sara, so I did that as well.

July then came.

On the fourth, Andrew bought hundred of dollars of fireworks. It had been relatively dry lately so the only place we could set them off was the top of the hill in Darkwood. Andrew had given us all MDMA and we all watched the exploding fireworks for ours.

On the 15th, Emily invited me to her treehouse. I wasn’t aware she had one until that day. It was something her and Cody built with his father when they were eight. It’s their most sacred place although she admitted Cody didn’t visit it frequently anymore. It’s deeply hidden in the woods where nobody could ever find it by mindlessly wandering around. The fastest way there was actually near Alyssa’s house where it was only about a ten-minute walk. We instead walked in through the back of her house where it took us about twenty and one creek jump.

But there it was, the one thing I could never have over Emily. It was just us two looking up at this withering old tree house that could barely hold four people. “Everyone else is meeting up with us later,” she said. “Come in, it’s cozy for how small it is.”

Like Emily’s room, the tree house was littered with photographs. These were exclusive of her and Cody, mostly when they were kids. “What are we doing up here?” I asked, mostly trying to keep my mind off the fact that Emily was still around. I hated the jealousy, no matter how much I knew there wasn’t much to be jealous of.

“Cody’s never taken you here?”

Those words struck me hard. Cody had never once mentioned this place. I thought it was because he thought this is the only thing I could never take away from him that he shared with Emily. I never asked him, so I never found out. I’m sure it some other reason and I was way over my head.

“No. He told me about it but I never asked to come.”

She could hear my lies, I’m sure of it. “Well, your friend Jana actually suggested we should play a game of hide and seek.”

I looked out the only window the tree house had. The sun was already setting. Besides, “Isn’t that a little bit 9-year old?”

Emily laughed, “Blind Hide and Seek. We hide in the woods at night and we get fucked up doing so.”

The idea wasn’t bad. “So pretty much a summer night dream?”

Emily smiled and nodded. “It was Jana’s idea, so she’ll tell us how it will all work out.”

Soon enough, everyone gathered around the three house. The concept was simple, we get a bit drunk before we started and picked groups of two. I was with Cody. Sara and Emily picked each other, Andrew went with Chris and Jana Kramer got with Carlos who we’d invited to be our eighth person. Andrew supplied the beers. It was only then that it occurred me that I had no idea where Andrew gets everything but at the time I didn’t really care to ask.

After groups were picked, Jana explained that the tree house was base and everyone had a minute to hide, but could not go past the creek or the small open space on the opposite side (basically creating a border). After the minute was up, everyone not ‘IT’ had two options: hide until they found their opening to go to base or book it straight to base at the risk of getting caught. If the pair that's ‘IT’ finds others hiding, they’re out and if they were the first they were the next ones to become ‘IT’. If they catch nobody, the last pair to the base is ‘IT’. If they catch anyone in open space trying to get to the base, they were out. Combine this with us all being either high or drunk, it made to be an interesting game.

I got a bit too high, a bit too drunk and maybe a little bit twisted. I was lifted because the next thing I remembered was that we had switched pairs and I was now Emily. We had been playing for a couple hours now as we were an hour away from midnight.

“Seriously Eli, I never thought you’d be this cool,” Emily said to me at one point. We already at the base waiting for everyone else I believe.

“Yeah, I know. I get that a lot,” I giggled.

“No, I mean like, genuinely.” Emily was serious. For the longest time, I thought she had some sort of resentment towards me. Those words made me reconsider. We’d had been ‘friends’ for a while now but it was only then where I felt like I could open up.

“Do you hate me?” I stared at the ceiling of the treehouse that was spinning.

“No, why would I hate you?”

“I don’t know,” I giggled, “You should hate me. I’m dating Cody.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“Why not? You should. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Emily paused. I felt her laying next to me. “But I’m not jealous if that’s what you’re asking.”

“How can you not be?”

“Because I know it the end, I’ll be the one who will marry Cody.”

There was this strong silence. In the back of my mind, I knew what she said. She knew exactly what she said. I just tried to calm myself because the spinning was getting a bit too violent. I started to laugh. “Have you ever had sex with him?”

Ew, I can’t believe I just said that.

“Twice. The first time was when he took my virginity the summer before freshman year. I basically forced him too. It was awkward and terrible and probably a mistake.”

“And the second time?”

“Christmas. Same year. I don’t remember much of it. My sister said she was coming to spend Christmas with us but canceled last minute. My dad and I were so excited and the whole thing triggered an anxiety attack. It was the worst one I ever had and Cody couldn’t stop it.”

To me, this was new information. I would later find out that Emily is prone to anxiety attacks whenever she gets stressed. The only one that can effectively calm her down is Cody.

“I think I was crying too much and Cody didn’t know what to do. He just tried his best, y’know,” Emily giggled, “Cody was dating Sammie and he cheated on her for me. It wasn’t as bad as the first I think. It was still pretty bad, but not terrible or awkward.”

There was only one thing in my mind, “Did he come? Like both times?”

Emily turned her head towards me with a crooked smile. “Yeah, he did.”

I closed my eyes and got fucked up. Like a saw blade was spinning beginning from my stomach all the way to my throat. It hurt. Emily may have never truly hated or resented me. Hell, she may have even actually cared for me but that feeling was never reciprocated.

I truly hated Emily after those words. Not because what she said but what I would find out a day later. I talked to all of the girls who Cody had fucked in the past like a crazy psycho girlfriend. I asked them all the same thing after playing nice and tricking them into they were going to be on my good side during my Senior year. Either they didn’t know, or they clearly remember that Cody never came. It made me feel a bit at ease knowing I wasn’t the problem. It made me hate Emily because I realized that she’s the only girl he could ever love.

However, that night is one I truly enjoyed.

The next night Carlos threw a house party. He lived in the upper north of the town where the likes of Alyssa and I lived so his house was massive. This would be the biggest party of the summer due to the sheer amount of people who came. It was sort of like the house part from ‘Project X’ but nothing really got too out of hand. The cops did eventually come to break it up but nobody really got in trouble.

Like always, I went with Cody, Emily, and Sara. Andrew and Chris would arrive later. The drive over there was a peaceful one with not a lot of talking. “You okay?” Cody asked after he must have noticed I never stopped staring at the window.

“Yeah,” I said, but never really looking anywhere else.

Everyone was at this party. And when I mean everyone I mean everyone. Every high schooler in Darkwood, others from the neighboring towns and some from Seattle. Megan and Amanda were there, trying to form a new supergroup with Connor and football jocks. I tried my best to ignore them.

Andrew came and pulled all of us aside to the backyard where hardly anyone was there at the time. Earlier in the morning he struck gold with that guy Lyle and got a huge stash of cocaine. Nobody really wanted to participate so we all Andrew do line after line. I looked over at Sara who was tempted, I nudged her and said, “I’ll go if you go.”

She nodded and then we took turns. “Ems?” Sara asked.

She shook her head. “Not tonight.”

Cody wasn’t even paying attention. I noticed that I never seen Cody do anything else besides smoke. Even when he drank he never really had gotten drunk.

Chris only did one and popped a pill on top of it.

“You should sell the rest,” I suggested.

“You crazy? I bought it from Lyle directly. That isn’t cheap, I won’t turn a profit.”

“Come on Eli, let’s do another one. I feel great,” Sara laughed.

And that was the thing with cocaine. Once you’re in that rush, it’s hard to resist more. I never actually smoked it as I was told it lasted longer. Snorting it was short but every thirty minutes I could continue the rush with a simple line. I did more and more simply because I was trying to forget Emily’s words last night.

I kept up appearances at the party. Everyone tried to be my friend because the rumors around town were that I was being more friendly to everyone. I embraced it and talked to everyone. I made a lot of friends, around 70% of which would follow me somewhere on some site. Like the rave, that energy of goodness and happiness was there.

At one point I was sitting down next to Carlos, Lucas, and Alyssa. I remember it clearly because I haven’t actually drank, I’ve just been rolling with Andrew’s lines. Sara and Emily had walked by and said hello. This sparked the conversation I had with Carlos.

“Made any progress on your conquest on Emily?” I asked him.

He shook his head. “Nothing solid. We had a great time yesterday, especially after getting partnered up with her.”

“Oh yeah, what happened?”

“We just talked, y’know. I invited her over to my house after,” Carlos laughed nervously, circling his thumbs around his drink. “I tried, Eli, she said nah.”

“What?! Why not?”

“She said she liked me but wasn’t ready for all that stuff. Said she needed a break from life itself and shit.”

“I’ll go talk to her,” I said standing up, but Carlos stopped me. “What?”

He shook his head again. “Let it go, I tried. I still have other chances.”

“What?! No! You’ve been trying since freshman year.”

“It’s alright, Elizabeth.”

I sat back down and sighed. “So what did you guys talk about?” I was asking for conversation sake but my ulterior motive was my own gain.

At that time, I noticed Lucas stood up from our group and headed over to where Emily and Sara were at. He went to talk to Sara. I didn’t turn my head back to Carlos as he said, “Y’know, ‘bout school and stuff. She wants to go to school in LA or in New York to be a fashion designer. She mentioned a thing about you too, now that I remember?”

“What was it?” My head was still paying attention to Sara. Lucas managed to pull her away from Emily. He had never even once acknowledged Sara’s existence. This was surely interesting. Emily now alone went to the kitchen.

“She asked me if I knew what made me so interested in Cody again.”

So she is jealous.

“Oh. Well, that’s boring. What did you say?”

“What do you think? I have no idea.”

Alyssa and I headed to the kitchen where we found Emily talking Chris. He was making her laugh which was a first. Chris was never the type of person to make jokes to a girl. I thought it was just because they were close friends. That went away when she whispered something to his ear. Chris shook his head and Emily giggled. She then looked around to see who was around her. I’d hope that I hid behind Alyssa in time.

Emily took Chris hand and walked into the living room. I followed just enough to see that they were going upstairs. “Oh Em Gee, how scandalous,” I said out loud.

“She’s pulling a Megan,” Alyssa giggled. “But instead of Cody’s girlfriend, it’s his best friend. “Are you gonna tell Cody? That for sure is gonna make him hate Emily like you want.”

That was my first idea. But no, if I delayed it, the impact would be bigger. I snapped a picture of the two before they got out of sight. “I have something but bigger in plan.” I was planning to use this news blackmail Emily for something, I just didn’t know what it was yet.

“Did you see Lucas and Sara? Sara’s a nice girl and all but I never thought Lucas was that kind of guy.”

I kept staring where Emily and Chris once were then nodded. “Yeah, I know. Have you seen them?”

“No. I haven’t seen him since he left us. I mean, she prettier than usual tonight.”

“Jealous?”

Alyssa scoffed, “Please. I’m more excited to see where this is going. Amanda is gonna be so pissed her brother is fucking the one girl she hates.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I can’t wait.”

This was the biggest party of the summer. Andrew had been giving me lines all night. I don’t think I ever realize has much he got from Lyle. If I knew then what I knew now, he had about a thousand dollars worth, give or take.

It’s been dry for most of the summer. It hasn’t rained in about a month. There weren’t any forest fires. There was no petrichor. There was no tall grass. There was dead grass. But that night it started to rain. It was raining hard at midnight.

I saw Sara ran out of the house and Emily chasing after her. Carlos said, “Go.”

Sara was throwing up in the bushes away from everyone. She was crying. I didn’t really understand it then because I was just so high. “What’s wrong?” I had asked, but Emily was ignoring me.

Sara was screaming. She was screaming. “It’s disgusting! It’s nasty! I hate it! Why did I do it, Ems?”

“I...I don’t know, Sara.”

I pretended to care. I held Sara like a friend. I held her like the last two months were something we could connect over. I really wanted to care but I don’t know if it was my old self or the cocaine or maybe a combination of both, but I didn’t.

Not really.

“What’s going on?” I had asked one last time.

Ems only took a second. “Amanda called her out for never having a boyfriend right next to Andrew.”

Then I got it. In the tall grass, only snake live.

Cody had been ignoring me all night. A snake. Emily was jealous and hated me because I was with the love of her life but still pretended to care. Another snake. Amanda and Megan who used to be close friend decided to end it over pettiness that they weren’t on top. They’re all snakes in the grass.

Cody had asked, “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“This!” Cody shoved his finger under my nose, showing me the leftover powder that was still somehow there.

“I thought you didn’t care?”

“I don’t, but you’re taking things too far.”

“C’mon Cody, I’m only living a little.”

Cody scoffed, the first time I saw him mad. “Whatever got live a little then.”

“Fuck you!” I yelled as Cody walked away.

Back to Sara and Emily.

“It’s gonna be okay. You don’t have to prove anything,” Emily assured her, but the crying didn’t stop. I was wondering why Lucas was with Sara. At first, I played the act because I was the only one in my group of friends that knew she was gay. I knew Lucas wouldn’t go for that, so Amanda must have gotten her brother to do something. That just wasn’t the case.

Andrew had asked Sara if she was gay when Amanda called her out. This pressured Sara to do something stupid. She talked to Lucas much earlier and Lucas only went up to talk to her an hour later. They fucked.

I texted Lucas to see it was true. It was. He even admitted to me that he kind of liked Sara and was hoping it wasn’t a one-night thing. I didn’t tell Emily or Sara this. I don’t think I ever did. The news that they fucked hadn’t even begun to circle around.

I knew Andrew was a homophobe, but I didn’t understand why Sara was so afraid of him finding out. “Sara, it’s okay. Andrew wouldn’t care if he found out.”

“No! You don’t get it. Andrew doesn’t give a shit about anyone, not even me! He’s the only thing I have left, Eli! I can’t lose him.”

Emily pulled me away. “Sara lost her mom when she was little. Her dad’s a drunk so Andrew the only guy she can really depend on…”

I still didn’t get it. I wanted to so I pretended and I hated myself for that. I really wanted to care. Then Sara said, “I don’t want to be alone. Not like my mom when she killed herself.” I turned over back to where the music was coming from. Cody was right about this town. Everyone’s running. I didn’t know what I’m running from. Wait. Yes, I did. Anyone could have been it.

So far I’ve been telling a coming of age story. A story where I figured out who I was and what I was becoming. It’s a story of how the internal conflict within myself took over and made me the person I always wanted to be.

I wanted to be free from bullshit notion that I had to well-liked by everyone and if not liked, feared. I wanted to be free from the worry of what tomorrow will bring and I didn’t want to afraid of it. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I didn’t know how to be an adult when the time came. I didn’t want to live in a world where I couldn’t be free from the shackles that this society enslaves us in. Like Chris said, “I don’t think there will ever be a meaning to life. I think we spend all our lives to find one and mostly everyone never does. We are born to feed the hand that enslaves us. That is the meaning of most life.”

So when I learned that Sara was running away from herself, just like how I was, something snapped. I felt it deep in the back of my mind.

“I’ll take care of this!” It’s the only thing I can remember that I said before I ran back inside.

Amanda and Megan were laughing with the jocks. They were having the times of their lives while my friend was just forced to put on this facade she never asked to have on.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I pushed Amanda. This act alone caused everyone in the room to stop.

Amanda scoffed, “Ugh, what do you want?”

“You think Sara’s gay because she never had a boyfriend? You do know that she’s never even liked a guy enough to get one right?!”

“Uh, bitch, she’s the one that always staring at me. She’s a weird lesbo, everyone knows that.” Amanda smacked her lips, something that had always annoyed me.

“Well,” I stopped, “Bitch. She just slept with your brother just to spite you.”

There were some gasps. The jocks laughed, even Megan giggled although she tried to stop herself. “You’re a lying bitch. Lucas would never do that. You’re just jealous Megan and I are going to run the school this year.”

I laughed. “As if. You’re an insecure bitch who needs to post something every day because she needs other people to love her when she can’t love herself. Or should I ask your brother for you if he slept with Sara?”

Again there were gasps.

“Hope of her dick, Eli. She didn’t do anything bad.”

“She’s my friend, dickbag!”

“Fuck you, you little slut.”

“The fuck you callin’ a slut, mate?!” Andrew’s voiced appeared. “Fuck all you niggas if you think my sister is gay. I’ll fuck all you up.”

“Shut the fuck up, Andrew.”

Andrew pushed away me and got up the jock’s face. “The fuck you say?!”

“I’ll fuck you up.”

Andrew threw the first punch. It wasn’t a fair fight, four against one. Still, Andrew managed to handle at least two of them before they got him locked up. They were punching him the gut a few times. I didn’t know what to do and didn’t know if I could help. Luckily Carlos showed up and broke it up by kicking the jocks out.

“Thank you,” Sara whispered on my shoulder when Cody was taking us back home.

“Do you want to keep it?” Andrew asked a few days later, handing me an eight ball. “You’re much funner with this. Free of charge this time.”

“Set me up with your dealer. I want to buy more when I run out.”

Andrew smirked. “Alright.”

July 24th.

Cody was like: “What’s going on? You’re not stopping, What happened?”

I was like: “Nothing. I’m just catching up with everyone else.”

He was like: “Can you slow down? It’s getting a bit out of hand. You’re becoming a different person.”

And I was like: “You don’t know who I am, Cody. I may be a snake in the grass but I’m not who you think I am.”

Cody shook his head. “I never said you had a fork in your tongue. I said you were in the tall grass.”

“Okay, what does that even mean?!”

“I’ll tell you once you stop running.”

“And who are you running from Cody? You said everyone runs in this town. Everyone’s hiding. What are you running from?!”

Cody scoffed, “I don’t think you have the right to know now.”

“Fuck off! Just tell me!”

“Then stop with the coke! Stop with Molly. Stop letting yourself become the person you told me you’ll never be!”

“Why are you doing this?! Why do you care?!”

“Fine! Do whatever you want,” Cody calmed down. “Just do it when I’m around so I know you’ll be safe.

I nodded. “Okay.”