July 30th, 2012

There was a party at my house, the only one of the summer. Last year there were at least five, and my parents weren’t even away on vacation.

I think I knew where I was heading that night. I think I knew when I accepted the bag of pure MDMA from Chris, of course with Cody’s approval. I think I knew when everything around me wasn’t very clear and it all seemed a mess. Emily had completely black eyes like she hasn’t slept in months. Sara had decided to continue this fake relationship with Lucas. She was acting completely wild at that party. I knew how hurt she was for doing something she never wanted. Andrew was Andrew, always a force of nature. Chris was also Chris, his own independent person who always seemed to be an outsider even from us. And Cody was being more watchful than ever.

Everything seemed so different, so not normal and I knew it was all going to fall apart. Just at that time, I couldn’t see it clearly.

Jana Kramer was there. She pulled me aside before all the drug even kicked in. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, why do you ask?”

“It’s just you haven’t been yourself lately. You barely talk to us anymore, I’m just worried.”

I smiled at her, unsure if I was being real or not. I want to say I wasn’t, but something inside me was fighting against it. “Yeah, it’s just things with me and Cody are sketch right now.”

“How so,”

“He’s worried,” I sigh. “He wants to control me, keep me under his leash.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy, has he hurt you?”

I shook my head. “No, Cody isn’t the type of person. He just wants to feel like there can be control in life.”

“Isn’t there?”

“It’s all chaos, Jana.”

She laughed, “It’s not all chaos. We’re still kids, who knows what can happen.”

Sometimes I forget I was only 17 back then. My birthday was just three months away. We were so young, but I felt so much older than I was. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was that ever increasing the feeling of purposeless.

Then again, this party was just for the bullshit, like everything was.

Jana Kramer.

She tried to reach out. Not just that night but much later. She was the only one who tried to save me. That night she was her first attempt because she saw the darkness in me. She said so herself during the funeral. There was a lot of things she could have done but in the end, she was too much of a coward to push further.

She’s a good person. Alyssa and Jana Kramer were the good ones.

I don’t know when or how but I found myself alone on my front porch drinking some shitty light beer and having insane sensual pleasure by the wind pushing against my skin. The stupid named Chad came up and stood beside me even though he wasn’t invited, but the whole world shows up to my shit.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself, Ellie.”

“Fuck off,”

He laughed. “I know it doesn’t seem this way, but Megan misses you.”

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Look, Ellie, I don’t want to be your enemy. Megan doesn’t either. What we did to you, what I did to you, I’m sorry. I was drunk and didn’t know any better.”

“It’s too late for sorrys.”

Chad sighed, “I know. I just never had a proper chance to apologize. Everyone barely sees you now, it’s like you’re abandoning everything you have.”

“And if I am, what changes?”

Of course, the only answer was nothing. Nothing changes because none of it really matters. “We lose the coolest person in the town.”

“If you get Megan to personally apologize, maybe I’ll consider it.”

Chad chuckled even though he shouldn’t have. “I’ll talk to her. It’ll be good to have you back. Megan isn’t a great person to lead her pack.”

“Neither am I,” I whispered to myself when he left with the red cups resting on my lips.

Then the night came to close and everyone went home. I stared at the broken house and watched as everyone was thanking me for having them over.

“We’re gonna go to the hill and have a few drinks want to come?” Cody asked.

“Yeah, I have nothing better to do.”

I walk with Sara as Cody, Andrew and Emily's lead us. Chris was behind us talking to Isaac and Stephanie. Cody, for the most part, had been ignoring me all night. He kept his eyes on me but never really acted like a boyfriend. I guessed he was still pretty mad.

He was being friendlier with Emily, probably to get me mad; trying to manipulate me. I knew that but even then it still worked. I don’t remember what I did or say but eventually, Cody left without even offering to take me home. Stephanie and Isaac left soon after. I noticed Andrew and Emily were talking and the way Andrew was acting made me wonder what Andrew was trying to do with her. He probably liked her all this time and now was the perfect opportunity to make his move. But Emily was supposed to be Carlos’ objective so I texted him what was happening.

I get a text back.

She didn’t tell yu? We fucked in your room 2night. Thx.

Omg?!

Things made a little bit more sense. While I was doing my own thing at the party I had missed everything. Emily was clearly jealous and couldn’t handle it anymore and decided to get drunk and hook up with the only one who was worth a damn. Cody must have figured it out and was afraid of losing her, giving her more attention so she wouldn’t feel that way. So it wasn’t something I said that made Cody leave, it was Emily.

It was just a big fucked up love triangle.

The worst part is that nobody has even told Cody that Emily has hooked up with Chris, his best friend. It’s all fucked up.

Eventually, Emily left and without Emily to talk to, Andrew left. It was just Chris and Sara with me. We sat on top of this hill that seemed all too fake.

“It’s peaceful now,” Sara said.

“This town. It brings sadness. There is no escaping it,” I looked up into the clouds. The rain was about to start. “There something about the rainy season that brings the worst in people.”

“It’s called SAD. Season affective disorder. It’s quite common in this state. The blocking of the sun creates a sort of sadness in someone,” Chris said.

“Are you making that up?” Sara asked.

“No,” Chris shook his head. “I studied an extensive amount on the subject. Those who didn’t grow up in such an environment tend to be susceptible to climate change. You came from Los Angeles, didn't you Elizabeth?”

“Yeah, but I think I’m used to it now,” I lied. I always hated the rain. I was always my bitchiest when it rained. “I was just wondering you knew something about. I often find myself not caring what happens sometimes.” I paused. “Did you see what was going on with Ems, tonight?”

“Don’t worry about it, she’ll get over it. It’s always been like that. They’ll still end up being best friends after everything. It’s how they are. It doesn’t matter how many girlfriends Cody gets or anything. Those two are inseparable, but it doesn’t mean she like it,” Chris talked the night away. “So anyways, Emily is like that. She doesn't like anyone fucking with Cody even though she says she doesn’t mind. He’s the world for her. It’s the same for Cody. So you have a right to be jealous, Ellie, Emily is the world to him too. Don’t get me wrong though, Emily is jealous of you. You stole her man, I find that pretty fascinating.”

“What do you mean? Aren’t you his best friend?”

“Sure, but I get to have opinions too. Not everyone can predict what’s going to happen. It doesn’t matter in the end, we’ll all grow up.”

Curious, Sara asked, “Why?”

“As you get older things become trivial.”

“I never wanna grow up. It scares me. I don’t know like it’s weird.” I laughed solely because the MDMA still made everything feel good.

“You’ll be okay,” he laughs. “There’s no reason not to. Everyone get’s their happy ending.”

I don’t think I will, I thought. It was a scary one because I slowly had this crushing realization of where everything was heading.

Chris eventually left leaving me alone with Sara who had been so sad lately. I don’t think I said a word to her for a while, but I felt it. It was weird like we were on the same boat and we could understand each other. Sara wasn’t covering her wrists, but I knew for a long time that she liked to hide them. The cuts had been more recent.

I felt like things were more complicated than her fear of Andrew finding out she was gay. It’s something that she told me that night that I could never forget. If I would have told someone, maybe things would have been completely different for her, but things still remained the same for myself.

“Sometimes I think about how it feels to die,” I told her. “I don’t ever want the bliss to end.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” she paused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean this. Like nothing else exists and it’s just me left to my own comfort, but that won’t ever last. That bliss will soon be ripped apart from me and I would rather be dead.”

“That’s not a reason to want to die.”

“Not want. It’s wonder.”

“That’s a bullshit thing to say,” I felt the anger in her voice but I didn’t care. “That’s not real.”

“What is?”

There was this long pause, one that was uncomfortable but safe because after all, we understood each other even if Sara didn’t want to. “My dad likes to beat me and molest me whenever Andrew isn’t home…” I didn’t say anything. I should have, but I didn’t.

Everything was just so fucked up.