August 13-14th, 2012

Things have been moving fast, I know.

But I’ve run out of shit and Lyle isn’t willing to loan me. Cody made Andrew and Chris cut me off from anything else. There hadn’t been any parties that I could jack shit. I was getting desperate.

I sound like a junkie, don’t I?

I at least knew where to find my brother.

Matthew was doing well, at least for a meth addict. The homeless shelters kept him fed enough and gave him a place to sleep. It was his constant use that really fucked him up. He’d use the money he’d get on the streets to buy it from none other than Lyle.

That’s why he was so interested in the first place. Lyle knew who I was from the beginning through my brother. It was this mind game Lyle was playing with me and I didn’t really care. I was to hang out with him for the day on the 15th.

Matthew showed me how to do it, the meth he gave me I mean. The bastard didn’t even try to tell me I shouldn’t do it. But hell, it was a new experience and it was free. Besides, this was Cody’s fault for cutting me off.

I took some home and continued there. It doesn’t compare to Winter but by god was it amazing. I had a lot of fun staring at the ceiling, literally. For hours I didn’t feel the need to eat or sleep. I stayed up all night listening to music in my room, ignoring everything in the world.

I didn’t feel focus or aware. I didn’t feel like I could do anything, but I felt so damn euphoric it was like I was pure energy itself. I had closed my eyes for a while and envisioned my body’s internal energy the movies like to call chi or chakra or whatever. It was good. It was still good.

The sun rose.

Megan rung on the door. “You didn’t reply to anything, but I came down here to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a bitch and for doing all that shit. I don’t want our final year to end on bad terms. We can still rule the school together.”

I’m not sure if that was what she said all together. I must have said something in between but I don’t remember. “Of course. I missed you too!” I lied, hugging her.

“Do you want to hang out?! My mom just gave me some money to buy new clothes for the school year.”

“Sorry, not today. At least, not right now. I haven’t slept all night and I was about to go to bed.”

“Oh! Sorry. Uh, text me when you wake up?”

“Will do!”

I could feel my teeth gritting against each other. I wondered if Megan noticed.

I walked back upstairs and it happened again.

She was there, staring at my poster again. The woman in that stunning white dress was still blonde. When she turned around she still had those silvery white ires that freaked me out a bit. “Life is beautiful, really it is,” she said again.

“What are you doing? Who are you?”

“I’m you.”

She looked nothing like me. This woman was an angel, everything about her was too perfect to be real. I guess in the end she wasn’t, and I knew that. “What do you want?”

“Try again.”

I walked up to my room and the woman in white was staring at my Emmah poster. “Life is beautiful. Really, it is,” She said in an Angelic voice. “Life is great,”

“Without out it, you’ll be dead,” I finished for her.

“Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,” The woman walked up to me and hugged me.

There was no explosion this time.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Try again.”

I walked up upstairs and slowly opened the door where the angel in white was staring at an empty wall. “Life is beautiful. Really, it is,” her voice was soft and soothing. “Life is great.”

“Why are you quoting a movie?”

“What are you looking for? Try again.”

Again. It happened again. “Are you an angel?”

She shook her head. “Try again.”

Again. “Am I dead?”

She shook her head. “Again.”

She was sitting on my bed this time, holding a blue flower. “My morning glory.”

“Yes. Let me show you.”

I was in the forest, specifically next to Cody’s treehouse. I was certain I had lost my mind because of everything repeating itself and now I was here. I’m not gonna lie and say I wasn’t scared. I couldn’t even trust my own mind. That in itself is the scariest thing anyone can ever feel.

The woman in white said, “People call me Rhea, Gaia, Minerva, Earth, Elohim, take your pick.

“Why am I here.”

“Look,” she said pointing a single flower growing beside the tree house, a blue flower. I didn’t understand. I was surrounded by the tall grass. “Do you understand now?”

It all clicked like a machine. This is what Cody meant. He was right and there wasn’t any hidden meaning behind his words. I was just lost in the tall grass not knowing where I was going or where to go. I was just a blue flower in the middle of all of it. Hell, the flower wasn’t even important.

“You don’t have to be scared,” Her words were ones I could feel safe around. “So, are you ready to try again?”

“Okay.”

I walked up upstairs to my room. The door was already opened and I walked in to find this Rhea person standing in front of the poster, waiting for me. Her hair was bright blonde, shining like the sun outside my window. Her eyes were now more blue than silver, but I could still see the grey in them. Her skin was perfect, untouched by the filth of the world.

She said, “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes. I don’t want it anymore.”

“What made you decide?”

I saw a beggar on the streets of Seattle the other day. I saw a woman with more than enough money walk by. The beggar, of course, begged but instead of ignoring him, the woman called him the n-word, hard e-r and all.

I saw a child steal from a store because his mother wouldn’t buy him a dollar piece of candy. I saw her slap his hand away with the candy bar and said, “You haven’t done anything to deserve that!”

I saw all the pettiness that my former friends bring. Amanda had been trying with all her power to stop the rising popularity of Jana Kramer. Afraid, Amanda leaked some photos of Jana, but that wasn’t enough to scare her way. It’s all the rage right now online.

I’ve seen all the ugliness in this world and not enough good. I didn’t want to care anymore. I didn't want to be reminded of the man who flew across the intersection and his cracked open skull all over the payment.

“I see,” Rhea said walking up to me. “Just don’t be afraid,” she hugged me.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, that's something everyone has to figure out by themselves.”

“I’m stuck in this tall grass. I can’t move.”

“Don’t be afraid,” her voice faded away and I opened my eyes. She was gone. Rhea was gone because she wasn’t real, to begin with, and I had been asleep the whole time.

It was 6 PM and the whole world was trying to get in contact with me.

There was only one from Lyle:

I’m picking you up so you can do me some favors.