Chapter 16

I hobble down the street a little to the left, a little to the right. Katherine wraps my right arm around her shoulders and tries to keep me propped up and moving in a straight line. Yet due to our size difference, it’s hard for her to support my weight all on her own. Even worse, Katherine isn’t entirely certain about which roads lead back to the Armbear Lodge. I would guide us there myself, but I’m too busy singing loudly and twirling my fingers in the air in imitation of a great orchestra conductor.

Before long, Katherine gets lost. She takes a wrong turn down an alley and leads us away from the lanterns that punctuate the main streets. Panic-stricken, Katherine asks me to sober up and provide directions. “Full speed ahead Captain!” I tell her pointing in the direction that we’re already going. I don’t know if that’s correct nor do I care. Right now I feel as carefree as a bird flapping in the wind. Nothing could bring me down.

Well…except maybe a death mage. Katherine comes to an abrupt halt starring at a man in front of us. He’s a Clown class mage, but something is off about him. Normal clowns, both sad and happy, have well-proportioned makeup in clean lines and smooth circles. The makeup on this clown’s face is fierce and jagged like the characteristic markings of a Killer Clown death mage. His brow is wrinkled into a menacing, psychotic stare. “Hey there buddy. I saw you in the bar. You’re pretty careless with your money. I’m afraid that it might get hurt. You better let me hold onto it.”

I try to look him in the eyes. I’m not able to because he has six eyes and I’m not sure which ones are the real ones. “Listen you,” I say, “I know what this is. This is a robbery. But I’m not giving none of you three nuthin’!”

The clown looks to his left and to his right and then laughs. “None of us. That’s pretty funny buddy, but this is no joke. Unless you want you and the little lady to end up lying in a puddle of blood, then I suggest you hand over the âme crystals.”

The clown reaches into his red overall pants and pulls out a sharpened chef’s knife. This stupid clown is completely killing my good mood. I’m going to teach him a lesson. “Ey Katherine. Get outta here,” I order.

“Maybe you should just give him the money.”

“Run’way Katherine. Hezza death mage. He gonna kill us either way.”

“Well then, I can’t just leave you Master!”

“Don’t worry ‘bout me; worry ‘bout him! I’mma beat his legs ‘til he can’t walk no more. But you get outta here.”

Katherine breaks away from me. “I’m going to go get help. Just hang on Master!”

She turns and runs back towards the way that we came. The Killer Clown raises his knife behind his head like he intends to throw it. He closes his left eye and aims at Katherine with his right. Finally, he lets it rip. It sails through the air towards Katherine like a perfectly tossed dart. I casually stick my left hand out to the side and catch the knife by the handle. Before the clown can blink, I throw it straight back at his face. He quickly dips his body and the knife sails off into the distance.

“Don’t-tack Katherine,” I warn him. “You can-tack me, but never-tack Katherine. Or I’ll kill you!”

The Killer Clown laughs hysterically. “You’re gonna kill me buddy? You can’t even stand up straight.” He reaches into his overalls and draws out yet another sharpened chef’s knife.

“Last chance. Your money or your life.”

“Last chance. Your money or your life!” I counter.

The clown shakes his head at me. “Buddy, what in the world were you drinking? Even I might feel bad killing a guy as drunk as you.”

The Killer Clown begins to approach me with bad intentions. I wait until he gets a little closer and then I dash at him. I make a tiny leap swinging my left leg across my body to give me rotation. Then I twist around throwing out my other leg into a right splits kick. My kick nails the clown in the temple and sends him staggering sideways into the brick wall lining the alley. He pushes off of the wall furious. Recklessly, he charges at me and lunges his knife for my stomach. I step off slightly to the side and wrap his knife arm up with my left arm. Then in a quick pattern, I elbow him in the face and in the stomach. As he bends over from the blow to the stomach, I whip up my forearm to backfist him straight in his red rubber nose. While he reels back from the blow, I finish my combination off with a powerful side kick. The kick sends the clown shooting to the ground on his back. While he’s down, I get a good look at his outrageously big feet and begin to chuckle. “Who’s got big feet?” I sing. “You’ve got big feet!”

The clown scrambles up to his enormous feet. “Ooooooh buddy. You’re going to die!”

He comes at me swinging his knife wildly. He lunges and chops and dices while I spin backwards at a diagonal angle using my staff to keep him at bay. His attacks all miss. I come back at him with a trick attack. I pretend to roundhouse kick low and wait until he drops his arm to block the kick. As soon as he reacts, I snap my leg up and kick him in the head. He makes an angry riposte with his knife, but misses again. I stomp on his foot just to throw him off of his game. He slashes across my midsection, yet misses again. I lance him hard in the stomach with my staff and he doubles over. While he’s bent over, I spin around and swing my staff into his face with both arms. He suffers double damage from the blow when it sends him face first into the brick wall. He then falls flat on his back and I give him one last good whack to the stomach for good measure.

Well that wasn’t too bad. Especially considering that I’m drunk and all death mages are ultra-class at minimum. Just as I begin to wonder where Katherine is, I hear her approaching from a distance and calling for me. She comes accompanied by a man in armor, who I can only assume is an inquisitor. The inquisitor won’t be necessary now. I’m so awesome that I’ve already got everything under control. To show off my awesomeness, I rest my foot on top of the Killer Clown and pose like a conquering hero. Katherine is going to flip when she sees how awesome I am!

I wait until she gets close and smile. Katherine takes one good look at me and screams bloody murder.

“What? I won,” I say oblivious.

“Master you’re bleeding!”

“Huh?” I look down at myself and realize that I am bleeding profusely from several locations. Suddenly I feel lightheaded. Gravity grows heavier. The earth shifts and I stumble to the left. I try to remain on my feet by correcting to the right. Unfortunately, I overcorrect and go down flat on my face. Now the heavy gravity is beginning to affect my eyelids. I struggle to keep my eyes open, but it’s a futile endeavor.

“I’m…

blacking…

out.”

My eyelids completely shut and I go night-night right there in the alley.