“I just want to say that…”

“Don’t die…”

“You’ll die with those graves”

*arrow flew*

*Kane woke up*

What the hell was that… Strange dream… Maybe I’m watching too much anime..

*Kane look at the clock*

Fuck, It’s already 8 am, I am already late for school… well nothing I can do about it, I’ll just go half day.

*After 3 hours, Kane reached the school*

“Look at that guy, I always see him enter at lunch time”

“I know, He looks like he does not want to study at all”

“I heard he was smart and can actually pass the exams without attending the class”

“But with that attitude, I doubt that he’ll reach something…”

Yup, this is my everyday life, I’m used to talking with myself coz I hate talking with those kinds of people. To be fair they were right tho. I used to be an honor student, some of my classmates considered me as the smartest person they know. Analytical, logical, strong sense of justice, slightly self-centered, leader… basically a jack of all trades. Ever since I started college, everything just feels wrong… I can’t even remember when it all went wrong.

*Kane enters the classroom*

The professor is discussing the final project and after some hours he said.

“The deadline of the final project is next week, after that you can all enjoy your semestral break, class dismiss”

hmmm sem-break… Now what am I going to do? Probably need a new daily routine.

“Yow Kane, we are heading to the billiard, want to come?”

“No” I said.

I immediately head out after turning down his offer. This 1 hour trip is very exhausting, kinda my fault for choosing a university far from my place, I couldn’t afford to rent a house near the univ… Though what I like about this trip is that I have my own time with my playlist. Listening to music while on the road is one of the best things in this world, it’s also an opportunity to kill time. I mean as if I have plans or something when I get back home.

After some time, I finally reached my home. I received a message from my mom, she said;

“Kane make sure to eat something, stop eating instant noodles and go buy some nutritious foods, I’ll send your budget next week”

It’s funny how everyone thinks that if a family member works abroad, we already have tons of money, little did they know that I have to skip some meals just to make ends meet. Good thing we have semestral break, I can do part time for the meantime.

*Kane changed his clothes and go straight to his bed*

*After 5 hours*

Wait it’s 2 am, I was planning to take a 30 minute nap… I’m hungry, I’ll just cook cup noodles…

*After eating, Kane spend his hours playing online games*

Daaaaaaaamn this feels good, 7 wins and 2 loses ain’t bad. I’ll reach higher elo soon. For now I’ll sleep and look for summer jobs when I wake up.

*The next morning*

Fuck, it’s already 12 noon, I doubt that I can find a job at this rate. Maybe my cousin knows a place.

*Kane message his cousin*

“Yow Kane, there’s an opening at the town. It's a mango graham stall, the job is quite easy though the salary is not that good? Want to come?”

I guess that’s better than lying down in my bed. Guess I’ll tell him that I’m fine with it.

My cousin talked with the owner and afterwards the owner told me about the offer.

“Listen kid, this business is new, honestly I am still skeptical about this one that’s why we cannot offer that much, the shift is 12 hours and the salary is below minimum wage, do you still want to do it?”

That was an unfair deal though I don’t have that much of a choice, the owner seems nice, I do understand his situation, I will probably do the same if I was him. I guess I’ll just do it. I spent the following days working at that stall.

This is exhausting, I can only eat once from 9am to 9pm, I couldn’t afford buying snacks or anything because of my low salary. Am I doing the right thing here? All I wanted was to work for a while so that I can be efficient.

*the next morning*

That’s it, my hard work here isn’t paying off, I’ll just make a random reason just to get out of here. I’ll talk with the owner after my shift.

*after some hours*

“I understand, you were hired at a call center, it’s fine kid, if they can pay you better I’m all good with that. At least you told me that you were leaving, other’s actually just disappeared without a word. Good luck there kid”

That surprisingly went well, I guess I’ll just head home and sleep? I’ll try finding a new job though this time without asking my cousin, kinda embarrassing that he helped me then I ditched the work.

*The unhealthy routine continues for weeks*

I’m bored, maybe I’ll try to draw something, it’s been a while since I sketched. I spent the next couple of hours trying to draw something.

*after 4 hours*

I can’t draw? I used to be good at it. Maybe I need to start practicing again, my hand probably forgot how to do it but I’m sure I can make it again in no time.

*Kane keeps on drawing for the next 2 days*

FUCK! WHY CAN’T I DRAW? THIS IS SHIT, THIS IS UGLY, IT IS NOWHERE NEAR ON WHAT I CAN DO! AAARGHH!

I repeatedly tried to draw everyday but it got worse. Due to my own frustration, I broke my pencil and swore that I would never draw again.

I removed every single artwork that I pinned on the wall, hiding it somewhere I won’t see daily. It’s frustrating to see how good I was before and how bad I am today...

I guess that’s just it, my passion for drawing died… I couldn’t even bear looking at others' work… It reminds me of the frustration on my craft, don’t know if it’s insecurity or something. I’ll just deactivate my social media accounts, maybe that will help. I mean I can probably move on if I avoid them for a while.

*After a week*

What Am I doing here anyway… What’s the purpose of all of this? Everyday I wake up and force myself to sleep after some hours… I’m staying up at night and sleeping in the morning… When was the last time I went outside? Yeah, I should definitely go outside, maybe a little sunlight might help.

*Kane went outside*

The sun is too bright, is this place always this crowded? It’s too noisy… My head is spinning, this is a bad idea, I should head back.

*Kane goes back to his room*

What the fuck was that? It’s like 15 minutes outside and then my head starts spinning like crazy. My body is so exhausted, it feels like I’ve done some workout, I couldn’t even stand up right now!

I tried researching on the internet, hoping that I could grasp what’s happening to me, after some time I read quite plenty of articles and studies about social anxiety.

Social anxiety? I never believed in that before, this must be a joke. I am a strong minded person, I surpass the past trauma that I had, this is nothing compared to seeing my father die when I was a kid.

*Kane denies what he discovered and before he knew it, the anxiety grew*

I couldn’t leave the house… My hands are shaking when I’m about to touch the doorknob, My legs are shaking when I’m outside…

For the next couple of months, I was not able to attend the second semester. I stayed at my house and continually repeated my random sleeping pattern.

I should not tell my mom about this, I don’t want to be a burden. It’s just a phase, I’m completely normal. This will be over soon.

I played video games to escape my own thoughts. I know that this would help but I can’t handle losing even a single game. WHY THE FUCK AM I LOSING? I’M SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT THIS GAME. FUCK THIS, I’LL JUST SLEEP INSTEAD.

*countless of sleepless nights slowly driving Kane crazy*

I feel numb… Maybe this will help…

*Kane slit his wrist and stared it for minutes*

It’s bleeding.. It’s bleeding.. IT’S BLEEDING!

I snapped out and panicked. What the fuck am I doing? I should hide those knives, this is insane… I… I need to call someone.. I need help!

I asked one of my friends by sending him a message, but what I got is...

“Depressed? How can you be depressed? You have shelter, you eat 3 times a day, your mother have a decent job, you excel at school, there’s no way you can be depressed”

*After reading the message, Kane never tried to reach anyone again*

I can’t blame them, I couldn’t even understand myself anymore, how could they?

*the next morning*

*Doorbell ring*

Who might that be? I did not order something as far as I remember…

*Kane opened the door*

“Good morning Kane, it’s been a while since I visit”

“Yow, What do you want?” I asked.

“You look awful… What happened to you?”

*Kane can’t say any word*

“What’s going on? Please say something…”

“I’m your friend, you can tell me your problems”

“Please, let me help”

*Kane closed the door*

Why do I feel empty… It’s strange.. I’m not sad, nor happy… I can’t process my emotions nor my reactions… I just feel empty…

*Countless of days have passed, Kane cannot feel anything*

Why am I still here? Everything seems pointless… We are just living on a giant rock, floating in the middle of nowhere, as if we have a cosmic reason for being here, everyone can drop dead and everything can be forgotten.

*Kane entered the tallest building he know and went to the rooftop*

That’s a lot of people down there...

I can see them, are they shouting? I couldn’t hear them… why?

Am I going to die? I don’t want that… I NEED THAT!

I guess this is it…

If possible, I want to restart…

*Kane opens his eyes*

“Thank goodness, you are finally awake” Akari softly said.

“Where are the others?” Kane asked.

“They are enjoying the view, want to join them?” Akari offered.

*Akari assisted Kane as they walk outside*

“The moon is so close, it feels like we can reach it” Akari mentioned.

“We are at Graspmoon after all” Kane responded.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” Akari asked.

“Hmm” Kane agreed.

“OOOOYY CAPTAIN!” Ryuu shouted while running towards them.

“Glad to see you walking back again, Kane-kun” Reiko said.

“HAHA! You are a really tough guy aye!” Kyap teased.

“Thank you so much Kane, we are worried about you” Mista said while blushing.

“We are on your debt, feel free to ask anything!” Broko added.

Everyone felt the relief when they saw Kane back on his feet. They all settle down and stare at the moon.

-I guess this is not bad after all…