He phoned up Ner with the idea of checking once again to see if he could get a read on whether she still felt anything for him at all and they got to talking, they ended up establishing friendly relations again but were both tip toeing around the subject of their feelings and instead restricting their conversation to unimportant details of how they spent their days and media they had watched. He talked her into coming over for dinner with the promise that he was more emotionally stable now and they could talk on a more adult level. He prepared butter chicken for dinner which even after all these years he had no idea whether she was a fan of it or not, throughout her arrival and the meal they still avoided any real conversation and he second guessed the plans in the back of his mind, he thought of how it might be nice to just leave their relationship in this state, to just become friends, to give up on any deep connection but after dinner the silence resumed and he knew the tension could never go away, he grabbed an empty whiskey bottle and slammed it over the back of her head while she was picking up their empty plates to carry to the kitchen, she immediately fell face forward onto the ground, just missing hitting her head on the back of a chair. She was still barely conscious as her hands reached out in front of her and blood trickled down her neck great, her fucking whore face is bleeding all over my carpet, just what I fucking needed. He stood over her watching her squirm as he decided what to do next, he decided he'd have to tape her mouth shut and throw her into the room under his closet.

He awoke suddenly, rolling over to check his phone it ticked over from 11:02 to 11:03 right as he looked at it. He thought back over the dream, it felt less like a story his brain was telling him and more like it was something he had already decided to do and now his subconscious was just working out the finer details and preparing him for how best to accomplish it. He thought about if he actually wanted to do it, the lack of an immediate clear answer only made him want to do it more, it was the action he needed, the event where he wouldn't know how he would feel about doing it until it was done. He thought about how far he would go, what he would do once he had captured her, he concluded the further the better in terms of how uncertain he was in regards to how he would react, not only would covering a murder be a challenge in the physical sense to enact his will on the world but maybe it would show him just how closely he was being monitored, just how much they knew about him. Covering the murder itself wouldn't be the hard part, the difficulty would lie in creating a believable explanation to the world for her sudden disappearance from this earth and covering the evidence of her reaching his house.

I guess suicide is the go to cover story, pretty generic but maybe i could make it look like she threw herself off a bridge and they would eventually give up looking for her body, I mean, no doubt cops would eventually come here and want to investigate but I could handle them, no one seems to be able to read me, plus, it's only a matter of intelligence to work out a convincing story surrounding how exactly i would feel if she died if I wasnt responsible. I fucked up with the blood, blood is easy to get rid of but the problem is hiding that you got rid of it, that is the problem most people have in hiding their crimes, they can hide the evidence pretty well but they are no good at hiding that they are hiding things, it's all a matter of intelligence, knowing exactly how things should be.

The hardest part would be preventing others from reading my inner thoughts but that's also the most fun part of life. I could cover her body in my basement and destroy any signs of it before anyone could even reach my home. I mean, what else am I going to spend my time/thoughts on? it's a noble goal to try and become such a master of yourself and reality to be able to end a life and go on, to be able to deal with what emotions come afterwards and not let it be the end of you, to be able to keep them inside so well that only you yourself have knowledge and understanding about something so significant as a murder. What higher calling could there possibly be in life than to become such a master over life that you can take one? and to take one in the name of love, it's clear I will never get over her or truly be able to love Sarah until there is absolutely no hope with Ner anymore.

It seems significant that in my dreams I made things 'ok' with Ner before killing her, to restore our relationship to at least an acceptable point so as there could be hope that in a sense we truly do love each other and things might have turned out well. I know they wouldn't turn out well which is why I have to kill her before things go bad but the point is that there is a little bit of hope that they might never have gone bad again. It provides hope that love is possible for me or any two people, it shows that we truly were close to achieving it if only things had of gone slightly differently. If I didn't kill her then there is a 99% chance we would fall apart again, one of us would piss off the other and disillusion the possibility of us ever truly loving each other. If I end things before they go bad it's almost like things are frozen in time when things are still good, there is still a theoretical possibility for us to love each other for ever and the only thing stopping it is something as arbitrary as physical reality or her death. If we fell apart then it would be clear that we could never maintain our love as it would be dead forever, even regardless of physical circumstances we would have proved that our souls just aren't compatible. It reminds me of one time when things were really good between us and I was happy and I said how I kind of wanted to die so I could never become unhappy again, I doubt she would have made the connection between this type of immortal happiness and the ending of a relationship while it is still good as a means of preserving the idea of love but in her defense maybe I didn't either. I do really need to get some idea of how she feels though, once I get an answer I can decide what to do, I can start planning how to make things happen and not screw my whole life over, then again it doesn't really matter if I get caught and go to jail because this life kind of blows and it's probably ending anyway, it's at least changing regardless and I don't know into what, if it ends before the change then i can always justify myself throwing it away by saying 'it was probably about to change to be shit anyway'.

He called Ner but she didn't answer, she text a minute later "talking with a friend, sorry".

That settles it, someone I could love would always always answer my call, they would understand that if I am calling then I have a reason to call and they would trust in my judgment to accept the reason as important enough to call. People who have truly loved and lost know how important it is to try at every single moment, there are people who will tell you 'if they loved you then they would understand if you are busy', bullshit, you are never too busy for a loved one. If you really really have to do something else, you answer the call to check everything is ok and say when exactly you will call back to talk properly or you at least text this instantly. Love is not being able to live without someone, that 0.001% chance that not answering the call will lead to their death/suicide is worth any other cost, people who have truly been in love know this. But then do I even love her? I know I love her if I am right about who she is but I don't know if I am right about who she is, she is yet to show me and possibly never will show anyone which is basically another way of saying she is unable to be loved. I think I would always answer her call if I could but maybe she is the same in a sense, she doesn't love me because she feels like I cant be loved.

Maybe there is an element of love though which is like self delusion, to never ask these questions of your partner, to only call them when you know they can answer. It's kind of a contradiction but true, in order to love them (and for them to love you back) you need to never really test their love, you have to just trust it even if it's not really there. I guess it's too late to do this with Ner, I know she doesn't love me now but maybe I can try this Sarah, I can not call her right now to see if she answers, or better yet, I could tell her that she never has to answer me and that I will never judge her love based on whether she answers or not. I know that love should be expressed regardless of what other people say but this would at least provide me with the ability to tell myself she still loves me when she doesn't answer even if I know deep down that she should answer regardless of what I have said. There is an element of not only being in love but being able to be loved which requires a certain level of self delusion.

He thought back to last night and the songs he had listened to, one in particular he remembered that he had listened to many times. He searched for it now but couldn't find it anymore, only 3rd party uploads which he never trusted as they were often poor quality, slightly edited and he just didn't like giving views to random people. He checked his watch history and it wasn't there either, assuming that for some reason it had coincidentally been removed overnight he gave up and settled on a 3rd party upload, after which the main video was recommended to him right there as if it was the easiest video to find in the world so he bookmarked it to be able to find the proper version again in the future.

This is fucked, why did they hide it from me? I assume they knew I would keep looking and when I did find it the previous struggle would cause me to bookmark the video but why? I guess they want me to listen to this song more but they could do that simply with recommendations, maybe they are futureproofing since they know that eventually I'm not going to look at their recommendations again, maybe they don't know when to recommend it again so they get me to put it in my bookmarks so I find it when I want to find something old. Maybe it's simply just to get me to listen to it more, the system knows I am going off the deep end, losing my mind, getting fed up with life, they are trying to sell me romantic music so I fall in love with the idea of love more, love is the biggest trick they push to keep people happy and fulfilled being their slaves, to keep people working despite the horrors of our society and life in general, something they have sold us to make us more productive. If they know I'm going off the deep end then this is worrying, they will be extra vigilant in catching any crimes I do. Maybe it's some sort of reverse psychology, they knew I would detect them manipulating me by hiding it and over react, they wanted me to resist and not watch it anymore, or maybe they just wanted to scare me out of my crimes since they know they wont be able to catch me. Fuck them, I don't care.