FIVE NIGHTS OF DINING IN HELL

Helena’s death imposed a lot of problems, and one of that is this house was left without a good cook. So from now on, we will not only fight against Eidolons and Cursed Guardians; we will now fight the world’s greatest enemy:

Starvation.

We have to live by ourselves from now on. This is survival.

This is hell.

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Day 1 of Cookfest. Jeannette’s Turn.

It’s Monday evening, and Amy has been busy in the kitchen while Tiara, Heushac, Key, and I wait on the dining table.

“I-I’m sure Nette-Senpai’s cooking will be great! She’s our leader after all!” Tiara is filled with optimism.

“Agreed. She’s the only mature person in this group.” Key said in a monotone.

“Jeannette, eh? I haven’t seen her cook. As long as it’s tasty, it’s cool for me.” Heushac said.

I just kept my silence for a moment. I don’t have to use my to predict the doomed things that will be happening.

“I’m sorry for the wait~” Amy blushed as she presented the dish.

Okay, the presentation is great. There’s a lot of dishes in here. It’s like a five-star restaurant where you will find leaves and other vegetables as an eye-candy. But there is a problem.

“This… These are all vegetables…” Heushac said.

“Right~” Amy smiled adorably. “Vegetables are the secret of beauty and longevity! That’s the reason why I am the most beautiful goddess of all!” She stated with her chin up.

“W-Well, if it’s tasty…” Heushac slowly grabbed an orange-colored lettuce and put it on his mouth. Suddenly, he blew out orange flames as if he’s a dragon! “This! This… is too spicy!”

“Koreans love their vegetable dishes hot, so I poured five jars of different spices~”

“Whaaaaaaaaat!!!” All of us shouted. Good thing I haven’t tried tasting it yet. Key and Heushac set their plates aside.

“B-But it’s tasty…” Tiara said. She’s just chomping down those vegetables even if her lips are now swollen red. This girl doesn’t care. If it’s edible, she’ll eat it without hesitation.

“Meat! We want meat!” Heushac cried like a nursery kid.

“Heushac is right. We’re not goats!” I backed my friend up. “You should stop being a vegan and eat protein so that your breast would grow bigger! Don’t always depend on your Goddess Core to look beautiful!”

“Y-You…” Amy bowed down, but I know she’s angry. She materialized her revolvers that made me want to take back what I just said. “You’re supposed to say ‘Thank You’ if someone cooks for you…and not to insult them...”

Then there were gunshots. Heushac and I ate bullets that night.

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Day 2 of Cookfest: Tiara’s Turn

“Have any of you guys ever saw Tiara cooking?” I asked all of them. But they just shook their head. I guess this will be a fresh experience for us.

“Are you sure you want her alone in the kitchen?” Amy lazily said. “She might break some dishes and accidentally mix those shards into her soup.”

“That’s... “ I said. I stood up, planning to go to the kitchen and supervise Tiara on her cooking but then she revealed herself with a pot of stew.

“D-Dinner’s ready! I hope it will suit your taste!” Tiara smiled with a blush.

“Woooooow!” All of us exclaimed. This smells great and looks so delicious!

We all tried the soup, and we’re not wrong! This stew is one of the best soup I ever had! We can taste the tender meat just by tasting the soup! This is perfect, but… But there is one problem…

“Hey, where are the meat and vegetables?” Amy said. We stirred up the pot and we haven’t discovered any solid food in that stew. Realizing this, we all stared Tiara with contempt.

“Ahahaha…” Tiara scratched her cheek as she nervously laughed. “I-I’m sorry… When I tried tasting my own dish… I got carried away...so I ate all the meat and the vegetables…I...I’m so sorry, everyone...”

Hungry as we are, Amy, Key, and I deployed our Weapon Gems. Heushac also joined by using a broken bottle as a weapon. We slowly approached Tiara, who is now acting like a scared puppy. She crawled away until she met her dead end at the corner of the dining room.

“Tiara… We all think that foxtails are kind of tasty…especially on a stew. ” All of us said with a cold glare. “Consider this as a punishment for being an Eidolon of Gluttony…”

“I-I-I-I-I’m swoooooorrryyyyy!!!!”

After beating the crap out of that shrine maiden, we didn’t have a choice but to eat flavored boiled water that night. I mean drink.

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Day 3 of Cookfest: Heushac’s Turn

“I’m quite worried. Helena said that Heushac can’t cook.” Amy said. Key and I nodded in unison. But Tiara sticks to her role as a goody-shoe and defended that idiot.

“I-I’m sure Heushac inherited Helena’s cooking skills!”

I just wish that Tiara is right.

“Here’s our food!” I said as I saw Heushac on a pushcart.

When he revealed our dishes, we are severely disappointed. Well, what do you expect from Heushac? He prepared a delicious ramen with eggs. There’s also sardines and beef jerky. All of it is edible, but… Those are instant food you can buy at any supermarket.

“W-Well, I don’t know how to cook. But worry not! These are the food we eat in an internet cafe! We can go on eating while playing games for 24/7 with these! It’s extremely easy and fast to prepare!”

“This is not an internet cafe. This is your house.” I coldly commented.

“Agreed.” Key came to back me up. “Instant ramen and jerkies are known to have various preservatives and extremely salted, which are bad for the kidneys. Those instant ‘snacks’ are extremely cancerous…”

“If you have any complaints, feel free to starve,” Heushac answered.

“A-As long as it’s food, I’m fine with it!” Tiara cheered. Then she continued to eat those artificially flavored foods. Aside from singing and dancing, she also has a talent for starving.

Beggars can’t be picky. We ate whatever on the table that night, however, we’re all wary of our health. Consider it as a guilty meal.

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Day 4 of Cookfest: Key’s Turn

“H-Hey, are you sure you’re all gonna let a thirteen-year-old cook in the kitchen all by herself?” I said.

“She’s not clumsy as Tiara,” Amy said. “But I’m more worried about the other thing…”

“Y-Yeah…” Tiara sighed. “Sometimes, I think of Key-chan as an artificial intelligence or a robot. W-What if… What if she tells us to drink a gallon of oil…”

“...What if she hands us a laptop and tells us to eat it?” Heushac added.

I just made a gulp.

“Dinner is ready…” Key said in a monotonous tone as she entered the scene.

These dishes… These look perfect! It’s a hamburger with tomatoes, lettuce, ketchup, and cheese! I hope this won’t turn into a disappointment!

The burger somewhat tastes sour, but it’s as tender as beef. It blends well with the tomato and cheese though. But I can’t cross out the fact that this thing tastes funny.

All of us stopped chewing. Then we looked at each other’s eyes. Finally, Key spoke.

“I’m not confident about the flavor, but I assure you that those hamburgers contain all necessary nutrients to keep you in a day. It also enhances your prana circuits so your spells will have a 20% enhanced strength.”

“W-What did you use as ingredients of this burger?” I mustered my courage to ask.

“Protein-rich crickets, calcium-enriched anglerfish, corned beef from a cow with steroids, 500CC of Level 3 Eidolon blood, Vitamin A supplements, citrus juice, monkey tails, and Metachromatic Oxide.”

“I can’t understand any of the ingredients you just said, but I’m sure it’s gross!” Heushac cried.

“Key-chan put her heart and soul to this dish, so with determination, I will eat it!” Tiara pumped her fists. Then she proceeded to chomp down. But when she’s halfway finished, her face turned blue and she collapsed.

Fearing for our own life, we just ate salt and water for that night.

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Day 5 of Cookfest: Alaric’s Turn

I just finished cooking, so I proceeded to sneak into the room where all the four idiots are being showered with despair. There, I heard what they really think of me.

Amy is laid flat on the sofa with her face dipped in it. “...For several years that we have been friends, I have never seen Ric cook before…”

“W-What if he feeds us his disgusting tentacles!?” Tiara held her head, trying hard not to cry. “H-He almost killed us with those!”

“B-Big sis! Please come back here! We need you!” Heushac prayed.

“...I get it now… This feeling… This is the emotion of humans that wanted to take their own life…” Key said, still expressionless.

Seriously, nobody trusts me this time!?

“Hey, food is ready!” I said.

When all of them saw the dining table, all of their jaws fell. Finally, the light of the Messiah shoved upon their faces. Miso soup, cordon bleu, and even a healthy macaroni salad. Don’t forget the roasted chicken. I even prepared pudding as a desert. Seeing the glamorous meal, they proceeded to chow.

“This… This is food!” Amy cried as she savors the salad on her mouth.

“You’re a good cook, Rikkun!” Tiara smiled brightly. She would look cute only if there’s no barbecue sauce on her cheeks.

“Agreed,” Key said as she bites a forkful of cordon bleu.

“Hey, Ric. How did you make all of these?” Heushac asked.

“I just searched the internet for recipes. Also, I ordered that roasted chicken via delivery…” I arrogantly laughed. “You guys are idiots! This is the 21st century, you dumb monkeys!”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!???”

“R-Right…” Amy bowed. “If you can’t cook, then you can just buy some food…”

“Why... didn’t we think about that?” Key muttered.

“I… I can’t accept it! I’m dumber than Ric!” Heushac cried as he took a bite.

“Hey, you’ve never been smarter than me!” I yelled. “I gave you food, and this is how you treat me!?”

“...Uwaaaaah! We’re dumber than Rikkun!” Tiara cried like a kid.

“Aaaaaargh!” I furiously scratched my scalp. Then I plucked out a roasted chicken leg and drove it to the shrine maiden’s mouth! “Just shut up and eat!”

Actually, I haven’t thought of searching the net for recipes or using the food delivery system. I just remembered it on the fifth day, when it was my turn to cook. I also know some dishes, but it’s just that I’m too lazy to do it. Do you expect the esteemed hands of Alaric to cook for these filthy mongrels? Nonsense! I will only do it if I’m put to the edge!

“From now on, Ric will be our cook!” Amy said with a smile.

“Eh!?”

“Right!” All of them shouted.

“I don’t want to-”

“You can do it, Rikkun! We’re counting on you!”

Seeing those smiles made me hypnotized. It’s like they are entrusting this critical task for me with all their heart. Now I have to change my mind. Well, my cooking is the best among these peasants. It’s better than to eat super spicy veggies or burgers with random ingredients.

“F-Fine…” I scratched my head with a hint of a smile. “I’ll be your cook from now on.”

“Yaaaaaay!!!” The house is filled with celebration.

And that ended our starvation problem.

Good ending.