《Real Real Life》Chapter 02: Gimme a Pill and I’m (Re)Rollin’
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So I took the metaphorical pill.
"Alright. Now, we really play."
"What, Barry?"
"I mean. Right. Are you ready? You'll get your scoresheet in a moment which you'll be able to check at any time, and—"
"I don't have a keyboard."
"What?"
"I don't have any arms, or fingers, or hands, or eyes, or a fucking keyboard, Barry."
"LOL."
"Did you just say ‘lohl’? You said L-O-L as ‘lohl’?"
"Yeah. LOLOLOL. Now listen up —"
"That's not how it's pronounced, it's — "
"When I said 'listen up' I also meant 'shut up'. Now fuck up, Jamie. You'll be back in-game, I mean, back on Earth in a minute. And you won't need a keyboard or any of that crap. Now, do you want to make any modifications to your avatar?"
"Modifications? Like... what?"
"You know, to your body. Taller, stronger, sexier..."
"What can I change?"
"Roll what you want, dude."
"OK then. I want my right arm to be, like, a fucking laser. And— "
"A laser?"
"Yeah. Like shooting laser beams and shit."
"Like the pointers you get on a keychain?"
"Yeah but like a billion times stronger. And then my left arm, that's gotta be, like, a katana. A razor sharp katana. No wait, a laser sharp katana with actual lasers on it. Yeah, that’s it, a laser-sharp laser katana, a super-powerful laser gun, and like... a twenty inch dick."
"Why not thirty inch?"
"Good point. Thirty six inches of pleasure for the ladies. And —"
"Let me stop you just there for a moment. I'm going to roll you out into the world real quick —"
"Roll me out? I'm not ready. I also want to change my, you know... muscles. And race. And class. And—"
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"Yeah. Right. Anyway, you're going back in now. I'm putting you on an uninhabited island somewhere near Ascension."
"Wait, what? No, no, no, I mean, I’m not ready, and I want to ch—"
Everything went...
...
...
... bright. Because I'd appeared on a rocky, bird-shit covered, barren desert island that was too hot, too windy, and too—
"Fuuuuuuuck!" was what I said.
That's what happens when your three foot dick falls on top of a pile of bird shit.
And then your right arm snaps in half because it has a giant fucking laser cannon attached to it. Turns out that lasers ‘a billion times more powerful than a keychain laser’ are freakin’ heavy.
And then, of course, I did the exact same thing you'd do if your right arm snapped off. I instinctively swung my left arm over so I could grab the painful bit with my hand. But I didn't have a hand. Instead I had a stupid laser-sharp samurai-sword arm.
Whoosh.
Whee.
Whip.
Slice.
Slap. Thud.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" was what I screamed. You would too if you chopped off your brand new three foot dick with your brand new samurai sword with laser-pointer attachments arm.
I fell over onto the coral island. The sun burned into my eyes like a bitch with a laser and a javelin of fire (+8 fire damage). It took about... I'd say... eight minutes until I bled out. But I tell you, eight minutes on a bird-shit covered coral island in the middle of the South Atlantic is enough for a lifetime.
Oh, and a three foot dick is really a bit too much of a good thing. Especially when it’s chopped off, you’re arcing blood all over your face, and a curious bird starts pecking at your meat.
And replacing your arms with weapons? Well, there's a reason most able-bodied people aren't going around hacking off limbs to replace them with robotic attachments. Not yet, anyways.
So that was how I died twice in one day. Once in the real world, and once again in what I came to know as the Real Real World.
But that was only the freakin’ beginning.
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