“You actually found that weird creature you are always talking about? The mythical one with the long neck?”

“Yep! Our new friend decided he wanted to see the legendary Giraffe too and what do you know, we found one within just a single day of searching. He must have the devil's own luck to find it on his first try, my family's been on the lookout for generations! But it was also kinda disappointing.”

“How so?”

“I really wanted to see his face when I told him they probably weren’t real.”

I quickly stepped back from the curb as the bus pulled in. There was no point in tempting Erin into “accidently” pushing me in front of the bus. The bus pulled in and opened its door. Erin quickly brushed past me and climbed into the belly of the yellow beast with me hot on her trail. Then she stopped.

“You look like a girl who can’t maintain a facade.” said a bright cheerful voice from behind Erin. I wonder who it is, rarely do you meet someone who is so perceptive.

“Um, thanks I guess?” Erin replied in confusion as she quickly moved on. Perhaps she was a bit perturbed? The voice that had spoken belonged to the bus driver and a curious bus driver she was. The most impressionable feature she had was a huge pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses that obscured almost half of her face. After that, it was her short greyish white hair, maybe it could even be silver if it was properly washed. The part of her face that could be seen was dotted by perfectly round freckles regularly equidistant from each other. That had to be a tattoo. Her age couldn’t be determined, how interesting. I gave her a nod and my best smile as I passed by her. Or tried to.

“...” a hand grabbed my elbow and turned me to face her. “Ah…. Hmm? Immortal? The… Dreamer?” I froze.

“What did you just say?” I whispered. How could she know that? Immortality aside, something she just said felt very dangerous. No. Don’t start.

“Oh, sorry. That was most unprofessional of me....You always keep a running monologue going in your head.” The bus driver stared at me a second more before turning her attention back to the front of the bus.

Hahaha, I thought she was gonna say something serious but she made up some random crap. That tension from the build up was all for nothing! I don’t do something stupid like always monologuing…. in my….head. What? I’m doing it right now you say? It’s not monologuing if I’m talking to you right?

“....”

Yeah, real funny. Be like that.

Okay, time to forget that particular bit of nonsense for now and meet my new schoolmates! I turned to a silent bus full of staring eyes. Well, that's no good. Guess I need to win them over with my winning personality! As if.

"Hello! My name is Joshua and my sister over there is Erin, she is single and I think she wants a boyfriend!” The whole bus turned to look at my oh so lovely sister Erin. Time to find a seat and keep my head down as Erin takes all the attention. It’s diabolical I know, but attention is not something someone like me wants a lot of. Besides, the attention should do her some good.

“YOU’RE DEAD YOU EVIL-” Erin was cut off as she was swallowed up by the hoard of boys and girls that wanted to meet/date her. For a second I considered the notion of regret… I laughed it off and decided popularity was her destined fate for looking so hot. This would have happened sooner or later. I might as well make use of it to cover up any slight waves my earlier interaction might have caused..

I sat down near the front of the bus next to who I considered to be the most average and unassuming person on the bus, I bet his name is Bill or Ted. Bill/Ted was about five foot seven with pale skin and had blue eyes with brown hair. His face was normal and his body build was perhaps on the less muscled side. All in all, he was perfect for acting as my smoke screen while Erin worked as my flash bang. Damn I’m good.

“Hey Bill/Ted! How have you been?” I sat down and began small talk as I casually offered a fist bump. That's right, you heard me. I am hip enough to know about fist bumps.

“Uh sorry, my name is Dax. W-why are you sitting next to me?” Dax? That’s an unexpectedly cool name. It really doesn’t fit him... Bill/Ted it is.

“Hahaha, don’t worry about it Bill/Ted! I’ve decided that we are gonna be good friends!” I hope he is the type thats fun to torture!

“Um… Why?”

“Because it seems like fun.” Well, it’s mostly because he isn’t wearing those ridiculously loose clothes like most of those guys over there assaulting Erin…. were assaulting Erin. Looks like Erin is doing the assaulting now; she seems to be taking their pants. Annd she just threw the pants out the window. Does she have something against clothes? It serves them right for wearing such unstable pants anyways. This is what you get!

“Is she dangerous?” asked Bill/Ted nervously. “You are her brother, right?”

“I sure am!” Ah, Erin’s in her element. Carnage. I wonder what the bus driver thinks of this? Hmm, yep. She is totally enjoying watching the show. Probably not best suited for driving a school bus then.

“D-Do you do stuff like that?” whispered Bill/Ted as his eyes were being stripped of their innocence while watching Erin deal with impudent boys.

“Let’s just say that I have infinitely more patience than my sister.” I can’t exactly say “no” can I? “My sincere advice would be for you to stop looking at Erin or she might decide your next. She kind of goes berserk if you haven't noticed.”

“Re-really? Thanks for the tip…..ah.” Bill/Ted gave a start as he realized something. “Well, since I've told you my name-”

“Yep, Bill/Ted.” How could I ever forget the name of my new friend?

“....Whatever. Anyways, what is your name?” How could I have forgotten such a basic courtesy? I will be the last man in the world! After humanity perishes I shall go on. When time tears and space is split. I alone shall be constant. I am the never living one. And I am something else that should never be known, a secret, a loophole that must not be found. As if I'd actually say all that.

“You can call me Joshua.”

“Well, nice to meet you. Sorry about the bus driver, do you have any idea what she meant?” Bill/Ted’s eyes were looking at me, studying me. His face was saying “Is it possible?” Or maybe he was trying to not throw up. Erin just did something unspeakable.

“Yeah, I’m a real life Immortal who’s lived for thousands of years. Who would believe that? What’s up with that bus driver anyway?” I didn’t technically lie.

“You're right, of course, that’s ridiculous. The bus driver tells everyone something weird, but usually it’s not that weird. The really spooky thing about it is that she usually turns out to be right in some way, not always though. Once she even said someone wasn’t human!”

"Really? Now that's interesting." I am now inclined to believe that at least one non-human is around. Well, the more the merrier. "Who did she say that about?"

"I'm not sure, I just know it happened. But that bus driver sure is weird. Where did you move from? I haven't seen you two around here before." I move across the landscape of time with the grace of a butterfly and the weight of an elephant! None can stand in my path save they be destroyed and dashed beneath my feet! No, I probably shouldn't say that.

"I came straight from heaven, just like you!" Better play it safe with a joke, I actually don't know where Erin and her family just moved from.

"Did you seriously just use some kind of weird pick up line on me?" said Bill/Ted with a disgusted look on his face.

". . . I'm very sorry, we just moved from Washington." Yeah, that wasn’t my finest moment. Better let Erin know we just moved from Washington.

"Okay, that's a neat place. We-well it was very nice to meet you." Bill/Ted stood up just as the bus stopped in front of the school. Pushed his way past me and practically fled down the aisle away from me. Oh? Is he trying to socially maneuver away from me? Now I take that as a challenge!

"JOSHUA! COME WITH ME!" Erin grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out of the school bus. On second thought, maybe Bill/Ted was just running away from Erin. She is rather intimidating.

Erin pulled me into an alley near the school and kicked out some kids who were already there. "Because Mom and Dad are letting me go to a normal school if you come with me, I will tolerate your presence. But here are some rules. First, don't sit next to me. Second, don't talk to me. Third, never do what you did on the bus again!"

"I will agree to all of your conditions except for talking, not to say I will actively try to talk to you, but I will not make any promises. Does that work for you?" I am trying to be reasonable here.

"Fine, just be sure you follow the other conditions. I have waited for this opportunity for a long time and if you ruin it I will do whatever I can to destroy you." Erin's voice was filled with resolution and a burning intensity. I best not get on her bad side, though I don't like it, she does have some leverage over me.

These days there are all sorts of phones with all sorts of cameras, microphones, internet access. It would be easy for some crazy video of a random kid seemingly immune to damage to go viral. That would be a problem.

Erin stared me down for another couple of seconds before the bell rang, then she ran off at full sprint. I guess she really doesn't want to be late. I'll take my time. I'm gonna go do my first favor for Erin.

I had earlier noticed several pantless young men crowding into another alley a bit farther down the road. And I believe I know how they came to be in their pantless state.

"Hey guys! How's it going? Do you need some help finding some pants to wear?" I spoke cheerfully to a group of five young men red faced with shame. They were the poor boys who had fallen in Erin's path when she went on a rampage.

"What's it to you?" One of them spoke up and stood before me proudly in his camouflage patterned boxers.

"Well I just happen to be able to get you all some nice sports shorts in 15 minutes." John gave me a phone to use if I needed anything from him. I want to test his response time.

"We got it covered man, we got it all figured out, one of us is going to run back and get all of our pants in the road and bring them back to us. We are still deciding on who that will be." That... is the worst plan I've ever heard of.

"Soooo one of you is going to dodge and weave between rush hour traffic collecting pants in his underwear. . . You know what, I am just going to get some pants for you if that's alright" Okay, let's see here, John said to just press and hold the one.

"Yes Mast- ah, son? What do you need? I'm ready for anything! Do you need an army? Bomb? Political strings?"

"Could you get me six sport shorts to this location within fifteen minutes?"

"Right away!" Excellent!

"Your clothing is on the way gentlemen. So tell me, what do you want to do to the girl who did this to you?" Time to do some social manipulation!

"I'm gonna beat her up!" "Throw mud at her!" "Steal her things!" A clamor of voices erupted out half hatched plans and plots. I can work with this.

"Do you want revenge? Sure, you could do all sorts of nasty things to her. But she would beat you half to death. Twice. Consecutively. No offense but my sister could take you all easy, and if by some miracle you do get even with her, and even more miraculously escape. She will hunt you down."

"Then what are we gonna do! She can't get away with this!" Shouted the most outspoken boy.

"I agree! I want to help you right this most wretched wrong which has taken place! I know the best way to do it. One of you must take her heart, woo her, make her fall for you. Then tell her what we really think! Nothing hurts more than a broken Heart!" I'm not worried. There is no way any of these slugs will ever get Erin to fall for them.

"YEAH!" Six voices shouted their approval.

"Now I know a little about my sister so I will tell you what she likes. She likes well built muscular Men, note the capital m, ones that dress nice. She definitely does NOT like baggy pants. Erin would only consider dating those with a GPA above 3.5. She likes short neat hair and a respectful tone of voice towards women and adults. My sister will not tolerate any drug use or drinking. Any questions?

". . . None of us meet those standards." Yes, you all do look a little pathetic huddled in this alley with no pants.

"Do you care about revenge or not? How badly do you want this! Whenever you think it is too hard, remember the pain and the shame. Let yourself be filled with rage... and use it! Use it to achieve your goal of smashing her heart to pieces! She beat you up and threw your pants out of a window into traffic in front of everybody on the first day of school! I don't think it gets worse than that!" Come on guys get with the program here!

"We're gonna do it! Nothing will stand in my way! Let's crush her heart!" I saw manic determination flare up in the eyes of who I assume is the leader of the group.

"YEAH!!!" I think the rest are on board too. They should all be properly motivated to turn their lives around now.

Just then a package tied to a parachute landed neatly in the midst of us, stopping all yelling and conversation. Nobody moved. Eventually, I realized what it must be. "Looks like your pants are here." Hmm, twelve minutes. Exceptional work John, I must praise him. He probably dropped them from that helicopter over there.

"Dude, who are you?" Who am I? I am the everlasting! The immortal! King! Jester! I have raised up cities and flattened them with my mere word. By my power I have influenced reality, molded it to fit my will! Definitely not saying that.

"Let's just say I have friends in high places, in this case literally. Anyways, if you ever need some pointers on getting my sister's heart to beat fast for you, figure it out yourself. Or pay me a twenty buck consultation fee. Keep the pants, I'm out." Alright, not twenty minutes into the school year and I've already organized Erin a fan club! This really went about as well as I expected. Although, it’s not like it could do anything else.

"Remember boys, don't muff it!" Were my final remarks as I headed to my first class. Fifteen minutes late, I'm styling.