《I Have to Text my Ex, or the World Explodes》8. Men can't be depressed! They don't cry
Advertisement
In the end, nobody went to jail. They found that Mr. Brittlesworth's testimony was 'inconclusive', so nobody was charged with anything. When the interrogation finished, the police were finally paid and could afford gas for their vehicles. Maybe the only good thing out of this whole mess was that Andrew, Anne, and Mr. Brittlesworth were escorted home on different cars, which meant Andrew wouldn't be harassed by Anne for at least a few hours.
Joddy was the one driving Andrew home. Andrew had questioned him about the absurdity of the whole interrogation process and about if the police were just going to send him home to live next to a corpse, but Joddy had stayed silent. Midway through the trip, Joddy made a sharp turn to the Metropolis, pulled out a pack of cigarette and offered them to Andrew. When the college graduate refused, he brought the cigarette pack close to his mouth, shook it until one popped to his lips. The cigarette lit itself up because logic.
After they drove for another ten minutes, Andrew looked out the window and realized he wasn't going home. He was looking at the scummiest, most terrible places in town on the side of the road: an abandoned warehouse where the drug addicts hung out and smoked trees, an underground tunnel full of seasoned mafia, and a Taco Bella restaurant.
"Why are we going this way?" Andrew asked.
Joddy took a puff of his tobacco. "I'll drive you to the Ministry of Immigration and you'll need to apply for emergency departure right away."
"What?"
"If you want to stay alive, you do what I say."
Joddy went on to explain how Anne had raised a billiion dollars and bought out the whole police force, and how they would not help Andrew on anything. He told Andrew that framing him for slander was the best outcome he could've managed, because it got him jail time, and jail time meant he was safe from Anne until his release.
"Then why are you helping me? If the police force is in Anne's hands now, doesn't it mean you're betraying her? Don't you fear the consequences?"
Joddy let out a pompous laugh. "I'm not just any cop, you idiot." He stopped his car in front of the Ministry then searched the backseat for a piece of paper with scribbles on it. "Get in and apply for emergency exit. This is the written approval from the Police Department, confirming you'll be escorted like a political head."
Advertisement
Andrew entered the Ministry building and finished his administrative procedures in an hour. Joddy's car was still parked in front when he walked out. The policeman rolled down his window and said, "Good. Just enough time to go to Iwanma's funeral. He was my favorite brainless jock. What a shame he died."
"He has a funeral already? And how do you know him?"
"Don't you get it? I'm the physical manifestation of Jod in this dimension."
Joddy Ferdinand was Jod all along? Andrew's mouth hung opened in shock. How did he not figure it out? Andrew nodded to himself, amazed by the Joddy's ability to hide his real identity as Jod.
"Wait. What do you look like? The other characters got massive walls of descriptions, but I only know you have a bushy mustache."
"You don't need to know how I look like. I'm a male character. Nobody's gonna care."
"I bet the readers do. Please leave your comments below if you want me to tell you how sexy Jod's abs are."
Iwanma's funeral was plain anđ simple. There were a couple dozens of people standing with their heads down near the entrance to a church. Maybe it was them showing respect, or maybe they were terrified of what was coming. A coffin was pulled from the hearse by six strong men in suits. The silence dwelled as they entered the church. It wobbled as they carried it to the front and placed it down.
The priest asked everybody to go up and give a short speech. His friends and family walked to the chancel, each of whom gave an inspiring speech of how not bad a man Iwanma was. Joddy was asked to give his sermon. He walked to the stage, hands dramatically clutching the microphone.
"Iwanma was. . ." He said in his deep voice. ". . . pretty cool, I guess. Sucks that he died. Better luck next time."
Everybody cried.
"Together, we've shared many fond mutual avenues, like that one time in high school when I walked down the hallway and saw that he was walking on the hallway too. That one time I found out that despite all our differences, we all share the same thing. The oxygen we breathe."
Everybody cried louder.
Andrew returned to his seat next to Joddy and listened to other people's speech with intent. But he'd made a crucial mistake: he didn't cry.
Advertisement
People in the church started turned to him and shook their head disapprovingly. "Monster," one of them mouthed. The priest closed his eyes, made a praying handsign, and recited. "May God have mercy on this lost soul. May he find peace and extirpate the devils within him."
"Why is everybody looking at me like that?" Andrew frowned in confusion.
Joddy pushed his head to the ground. "Face down and mourn. Start sobbing."
"Why? I can mourn without sobbing."
"Don't be heartless. A man is dead. You have to pretend you cared about him."
Andrew tried his best to cry, and eventually a single tear rolled from his eye to his cheek. But then as the speech went on, he sobbed uncontrollably as if his eyes were a broken dam.
At long last, Andrew understood the power of tears. They were such a binding force that pulled humanity together. Everytime he shed a tear, he felt like he knew the other person's suffering better. Through crying, he understood what Iwanma had been through and how his life had been tragically cut short. Andrew told himself that next time something dreadful happened like children starving in Africa or tsunami hitting Indonesia, he'd show his support by crying more.
When Andrew finally calmed down, he turned to Joddy and was shocked to see the stoic expression on the man's face. "Why are you not crying?" Andrew asked.
"Men can't be depressed," said Joddy. "They don't cry."
"You just told me to cry earlier!"
"You're Hispanic, not a man," Joddy scoffed.
Joddy Ferdinand being a prejudiced asshole wasn't an act; it was just who he was. Andrew swore to himself that he would never become as prejudiced as Joddy. Only cops like him can be that discriminatory, he thought.
It was finally time for farewells. Everybody lined up along the nave, waiting for their turn to look at Iwanma one last time. There was a slide cover on the coffin on top so people could slide it out of the way and look at the dead man's face. Andrew was the first in line.
His footsteps grew lumbering, as if the weight of the world was cast on them. The sadness engulfed his soul, seizing him inside an ocean of despair. He was glad he could feel these emotions. It made him realize he was just as human as anyone else, and not a monster.
But when Andrew slid the cover, he was shocked.
The corpse wasn't inside the coffin.
"So. . . Iwanma didn't die?" Andrew's lips quivered as he muttered. He had spent so much time crying and spiritually connecting the Iwanma's lost soul. All that grieving was for nothing?
Is the universe playing some kind of prank on him? Why didn't Iwanma die? Was Andrew's sadness a lie this entire time? Was sadness a real thing at all? What if sadness was just a social construct, and Andrew didn't have an emotion on his own? What if he couldn't actually feel anguish, and was a monster all along?
The more he thought, the more depressed he became.
"Oops, sorry." One of the muscular men who carried the coffin earlier spoke up. "We got the wrong coffin. Lemme go fetch the real one for you."
They replaced the empty coffin with the real one, and Andrew dashed to the steps to open the cover. This time, Iwanma was really inside it, dying peacefully inside the casket with his eyes and mouth gaped open.
Andrew's face lit up. His emotions were real all along! He was capable of grief, and he wasn't a heartless demon!
He blared as he ran out of the church, "Iwanma is dead! He's dead! Hooray!"
People stared at Andrew as he skipped through the streets in joy, chanting 'Iwanma is dead'. However, his happiness didn't last long. He spotted a glimpse of some pink curls and a rocket launcher along with them. He froze from the spot. Pink Anne is here.
Joddy ran outside of the church and grabbed on Andrew's arm. "Don't you fear death or are you just that idiotic? Time to run, NOW!"
Advertisement
- End870 Chapters
Immortal Devil Transformation
Sixty years ago, a middle-aged uncle entered Central Continent's Imperial City, bringing with him a qilin that looked like a sick dog and a mandarin duck. That year, this middle-aged uncle made his way through the Sea of Mountains, passed through Four Season Plains, and then entered Green Luan Academy. Sixty years later, Lin Xi, a carefree seventeen or eighteen year old youngster, traveled from Deerwood Town through half of Yunqin Empire in a shabby carriage, heading north towards Green Luan Academy. This is a story about empire and glory, loyalty and betrayal, youth and hot-bloodedness, a story of a young man who sees the world through a different perspective in a powerful cultivation academy.
8 932 - In Serial37 Chapters
PathOgen [Forge Your Own Path] Reader Interactive
This is a 100% reader-interactive, game-like book, based on my novel Technomagica. It is written in collaboration with the readers - every comment drives it forward. Once there are enough interesting or fun comments on each chapter, various paths forward begin to manifest that you can [choose] to follow. Summary: Soviet bio-weapons designer Vladislav Kerenski died in 1992. Upon meeting "god" he rejects a continuation of his narrative. It's up to you to help him survive the darkness of the Astral Ocean. This is the only book on Royal Road where your choice can make the MC become a villain or a hero, to die horribly and quickly, or slowly and painfully, to live out an interesting life, to become god, or to be trapped in a nightmarish loop without an end!
8 200 - In Serial95 Chapters
I am a Guardian in another world!?
Lawrence Carstein, a marketing executive from Singapore is a long time player of the VR MMORPG, Ever Dawn. However, a fatal electric surge sends him into another world, a world where he retains his character from Ever Dawn, a Level 99 Guardian in a world full of war, political intrigue and nobility!
8 584 - In Serial54 Chapters
A Tale of Two - Beeduo
・𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚆𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚄𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 ・・𝙾𝚑 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚆𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝙱𝚒𝚐 𝙶𝚞𝚢・・𝙸'𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝙾𝚗𝚎 𝙳𝚊𝚢 𝚃𝚞𝚋𝚋𝚘・ 𝙾𝚗𝚎 𝙳𝚊𝚢.. THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC WOOOOOThis is a tale of two.A Beeduo fanfic that I was more excited than ever to make. Its mainly about two close friends becoming something more٫ and I hope you enjoy :)ALSO- NONE OF THE ART IS MINE I JUST FOUND THEM OFF OF GOOGLEKeep in mind, this is an AU and is very fictional. I do NOT ship the irl content creators. However, they do look like their irl selves. Very few things are like the actual people in this story and some of the characters are completely made up.#1 Ranbooandtubbo 4/15/22#1 Ranbooandtubbo 7/18/22#91 Beeduo 4/17/22#10 Beeduo 4/24/22#7 Beeduo 4/26/22#4 Beeduo 4/27/22#3 Beeduo 5/12/22#2 Beeduo 5/14/22#1 Beeduo 6/4/22♥︎#5 Ranboo 7/9/22#2 Ranboo 7/11/22#9 fanfiction 7/12/22-Milestones-500 reads - April 25th, 20221k reads🥳 - May 2nd, 20225k reads - May 30 202210k reads - June 17 202215k reads - July 5th 202220k reads - July 16 202225k reads - July 31 2022Started: Sometime in either early February or late January 2022.Ended: May 29 2022
8 329 - In Serial67 Chapters
Highschool DXD Smash or Pass
Same rules as others (To see rules check description of To Love Ru Smash or Pass). I don't anything except idea.
8 101 - In Serial11 Chapters
Love Knights (10/10)
Noted from Author: So this story is all about magics and some medieval genre, yeah... And some armies for that..In the Earth Land. Mari bought something and other Aqours members curious about it, Kanan, Riko, You, Yohane play the game which "Hades" and they immediately teleport in an unknown place which is they didn't know about it, and they teleport to Ferlord Land when the two rivalry, Kanan Matsuura and Mari Ohara.Two Kingdoms who definitely rivals and named these persons, Kanan Matsuura, a queen and commander on Wraith Dawn, and Mari Ohara, a queen and also commander on Clover Keef, cause of Kanan's jealousy cause Mari takes the crown and in the name Goddess on their comrades, Kanan killed Goddess Queen by her Jury Sword which is represents that a person is not agree for it and not deserving on it, Mari angers when Kanan killed a person that is Goddess Queen who create a world and they battled for their own rights! Will Mari and Kanan will return as their friendship or.. Lovers?
8 209

