《I Have to Text my Ex, or the World Explodes》15. There's no free will, but you can get a paid will DLC for ONLY $34.99
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"So you're saying. . . this world is fake?" Andrew asked, face elongated like a donkey after hearing what must have been the craziest story any had ever told this entire loop.
"Fake is a bit harsh a word. I'd prefer simulated," the Goddess replied with a sigh.
According to her account, all the strange events in this world happened because Andrew's three-dimensional world was in fact a simulation inside another four-dimensional world. The 'Goddess' (if she could be called a Goddess at all) was just somebody from the four-dimensional plane who purchased this world in a game as part of a garage sale and booted it up inside her computer to play.
"So I created this in-game character named Pink Anne, and I intended to just lead a normal life. I wanted to take my character to nice places, buy her nice clothes, get her a cute partner. . ."
"NORMAL MY ASS!" Andrew growled. "There's not a single thing normal about a woman with a sadistic kick and a collection of axes and sex toys and sex axes!"
"T-that's because I didn't get a DLC! I didn't want to do that to you!" Her lips formed a scowl. "The base version locked the configuration settings, so I can only randomize my character's personality!"
"What kinda trash game is that? You bought it from EA didn't you?" Andrew paced around the room in anger. "I knew it! I knew this world's strange the moment I took a peek at Anne's birth certificate and it said Ann3cut3XoXo."
"And not because a hundred loops?"
"No. Also, I'm not convinced. You said that this world is a simulation, right?"
"Right."
"So everybody's thoughts and action are programmed?"
"Yes."
"So I shouldn't have free will."
"Yes."
"Then why do I have free will?"
"Do I look like Aristotle?" She crossed her arms, tapping her feet on the ground. "I don't know! When I bought this game, they told me that I would be able to control and modify characters as I will! As long as I have a DLC, at least. But you. . . you're an anomaly. A bug inside a program. Your existence makes no sense. So I start noticing you. And it turned out that you are the most beautiful and smart person I've ever met. I wanted to get you at all cost."
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"You could've just picked any other guy! You have the power! Why pick somebody who doesn't want you?"
"I don't want people who want me! I only want people who'll reject me time and time again. They get hotter each time I suffer. Oh. . . have you seen your face when you told me you despise me and everything I stood for?" Goddess shivered. "I was struck by the lightning of love right at that instance."
Andrew sat then stood dozens of time, trying to make sense of whatever bullocks the Goddess had just told him.
"Okay, let's put this unhealthy obsession with a game character aside. So if I leave this world, I'll also leave the loop, right?"
"Well, yeah. . ." The Goddess bites her lower lip. "There won't be anybody to load quick save anymore."
"So how do we get out of this game?"
"I don't have to get out. I'm not in this world in the first place; this is just the manifestation of myself in this game world."
"Okay, let me reword this. How do I get out of this game?"
Goddess ponders for a few seconds then said, "We have to find another person with a superpower to open a dimensional rift. I think there might be a few of them in this world."
"Sure. Let's randomly find a person who can move through space-time and all that stuff. . . Oh wait!"
Joddy Ferdinand suddenly came to Andrew's mind. He recalled how Jod single-handedly caught a missile shot from a launcher and hurled it back at Anne.
"I know exactly who we need to seek," Andrew told Goddess.
The Goddess stared at him, and his lips curved into a smile. The Goddess started slowly shaking her head. "No," she whispered.
"Yes."
"We're not doing this."
"We're doing this. We're summoning Joddy Ferdinand."
"Do you even know where he is right now? He's been gone for several chapters already, God knows where—"
Andrew snapped his fingers, and Jod appeared a second later, sitting on a couch bare-chested, with a newspaper on his one hand and a half-eaten steak on his other hand. "Woah!" he cried, "How did I get here? I was in my own place minding my own business."
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"I teleported you here."
"How did you do that? How did you get this huge-ass couch through as well?"
"Plot. The question is why are you eating a steak with your hand?"
"I was hungry, okay? After you've spent so much time in Canada, you'd crave for real food too! Now why the hell did you summon me? You ditched me for your new-found girlfriend, didn't ya?"
"I'm not his girlfriend!" Goddess protested. "Yet. . ."
"Anyway," Andrew said. "I need you for something, Joddy."
"Spill it."
Andrew explained his situation, careful not to leave out any detail. Finally, he asked, "Can you open the gate to another dimension?"
"Oh, good question. Why don't you ask me if I can turn the entire universe into a massive penis, destroy time and space as we know it, trip on a LEGGO without hurting my leg, and other impossible stuff?" Joddy gnawed his steak angrily.
"So what can you do?"
"I can transmit my voice from the sky and repel rockets."
Andrew sighed, "They're all cool, but not space-warping kind of cool. Do you have anything that can actually come handy?"
"You're asking for too much, buddy. I'm a Jod, not a God." Suddenly, Joddy's face brightened. "Hold on. I do have this one ability. It's very niche, but it might justttttt be what you need."
"Really? Show me."
"Okay, okay. You have a bowl?" Joddy pointed to an empty bowl on Andrew's desk. "That one would do. Take that one."
Andrew picked it up. "Yeah. Then what?"
"Throw it over."
"This is ceramic. It's gonna break. This thing costs me $10, you know."
"Just throw it over."
"Fine."
Andrew threw the bowl at Joddy. The bowl suddenly disappeared mid-air, as with Joddy. But only for a milisecond. Then Joddy appeared again on the couch, the same position as before, with a bowl on his hand.
Andrew's mouth was half-open. "How did you do that?"
"Throw me another bowl. That plastic bowl over there."
He did as told, and the same thing happened. Joddy disappeared for a milisecond, then the bowl vanished mid-air and magically appeared on his hand.
That's crazy, thought Andrew. This guy had to have torn the fabric of space and time! Even if he could only influence smalle objects, he would surely become handy.
"Your superpower is. . ." Andrew paused for a while.
Then, both he and Joddy exclaimed at the same time, "Space warp!"—"Grabbing bowls really quickly."
"Wait, what?" Andrew asked.
"I grab bowls really quickly," Joddy answered, not a single hint of humor in his face.
"So, you can grab things really quickly? I guess that's still useful for when like you really need to fetch a weapon. . ."
"Ah, no. Just bowls."
"So you can only grab bowls quickly?"
"No, no. Not just that. Anything bowl-shaped would do, too. Like a very big bowl. You can even throw a wooden bowl, or even a metal bowl."
"What? That ability is garbage."
"Garbage? Wow, wow, wow, wow. You know nothing of power. What if your opponent throws a bowl at you at a very high speed?"
"When does that ever happen?"
"Now." Joddy threw the plastic bowl at Andrew. It hit his head with a boink. "See? If that was a PLATINUM BOWL WITH RAZOR SHARP EDGES AND AN IN-BUILT EXPLOSIVE DEVICE, you would've been dead."
"Ugh. I give up. I'll open a portal myself," Andrew said before storming out of the room.
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