《I Have to Text my Ex, or the World Explodes》16. And then he died
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"Wait. Where are you going?" The Goddess grasped Andrew's arm.
"If superpower can't help me, then I know one thing that can. Science! I'm gonna create a machine to open a portal to a new dimension."
"You can't just invent a new device to gain access to another dimension!"
"Did you just tell the man who's lived his life a hundred times what to do, you ass? You're the cause of all this, so shut the fuck up!"
The Goddess froze on the spot. She looked as though she was trying to say something but her lower jaw had been frozen.
"Wow. That's a tad harsh, man," Joddy wiped a piece of meat off his moustache. "I would've just told her to go make sandwiches."
The Goddess hiccupped. Before long, tears started to form in the corners of her eyes.
Andrew panicked. "Wow, wow. Don't cry. Don't cry! I can only whoop asses, I don't know what to do with tears!"
However, nobody had ever stopped crying after one told them to stop crying before. Goddesses' tears were soon accompanied by sniffles, then by more hiccups. And they merged into wails.
Andrew didn't know what to do, but he knew he wanted it to stop. He blurted out the first solution he thought of, "I'll go out with you! I'll go out with you, alright?"
"Really?" She looked up at him with her teary eyes.
"Really!"
"Then it's settled!" The Goddess grinned from ear to ear. There wasn't even a tear left on her face, as though they'd vaporized in seconds.
"What the fuck? B-but you just wailed and weeped like a walrus just now!"
"Let's get us a nice dinner! I've already booked a restaurant. It has the best seared tuna!" She hopped over and wrapped her arms around his before turning back to Joddy. "Stay here."
Andrew understood he'd just been bamboozled. However, he also remembered that the Goddess had never stayed past ten minutes in this world in her current manifestation before. He looked down his wristwatched and mentally counted the time. If he waited another minute, she would disappear, surely.
And he waited. Then the tenth minute ticked. But he only found himself being dragged out of the room by the Goddess.
"How come you're still here?" He asked.
"I bought the DLC. Now I can play as myself for as long as I want."
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"You could have bought the DLC at ANY time during the last hundred loops, but you chose to buy it now?"
"Hey! It's not like I have spare money all the time, okay? My part-time only pay me once a fortnight, okay?"
"A. . . fortnight? It's only been two weeks in your world?"
"Have you ever played a video game where time runs as slow as in real life? Duh."
Andrew thought for a moment. "Listen. I will d-d-date you," he swallowed hard, "but only on the condition that I'm dating this version of you and not any other random NPC you seize control of."
"Okay."
"So who controls Pink Anne now?"
"No one!" The Goddess laughed nervously. "She'll just go back to being an NPC."
"So she'll stop obsessing with me then?"
"Uh. . . Who cares about that? That's not important. The important thing now is to search for where we'll go on our honeymoon. . ."
Andrew growled, but decided that he couldn't care less. Stepping into another dimension could wait. Maybe he'd give this whole relationship thing another try. Maybe not every girl liked to torture him with whips and giant fake penises.
And he was correct, at least during his time spent with the Goddess, whose real name he learned (to his shock and astonishment) to be Anna. The longer he stayed with her, the more he realized that in essence, the true self of the Goddess wasn't that bad. She was in fact just another woman who enjoyed teddy bears, gaming, staring at his face whenever they dine together, and innocuously wiring Andrew's phoneline and laptop. The Goddess promised Andrew that she would alter the game to give him everything he wanted, but he did not take advantage of it. Knowing full well that accumulating wealth was never the solution to life, Andrew wanted to keep a low profile and work at a research lab for the rest of days. HIs wish was granted, and his life was seemingly normal again.
After dating Goddess for nearly a year, her affection and personality seeped into Andrew and he felt more at ease alongside her. There was just a teeny-tiny problem: Goddess was a jealous type. And when she raged, that teeny-tiny problem turned into another teeny-tiny problem.
A few months into dating, Andrew and Goddess went out on a casual shopping date. While walking along the road, suddenly Goddess jerked Andrew's hand and questioned him, "Did you just glance at that girl who walked past?"
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"Who?" Andrew looked around but saw no one.
"That one! RIght over there!" She pointed to the empty nothing.
"There's no one there!"
"There's one right there, between the border of Finland and Russia!"
"Russia? We're in Canada!"
"Don't try to weasel your way out of this! Just wait until we get home and you'll see. . ."
Andrew was about to argue, but before he could say anything, a sudden whoosing noise roared from the sky. He turned around and saw a meteorite penetrating the atmosphere. Ah shit, here we go again.
"Hey! Hey hey!" Andrew stared at the Goddess.
She immediately realized what had happened and started desperately jumping up and down. "I'm sorry! I'm calm, I'm cool. Shoo, meteor, shoo!"
The meteor turned its ass back into space to the shock of everybody else. It was said that he eminent scientist Elbert Ainstein was still searching for answers to that impossible natural phenomena.
Eventually, Andrew learned to sustain his normal life. He just needed to care for Anna, give her emotional support every day, and not look at the general direction of Finland and Russia. The Goddess being happy meant the city was meteor-free.
Of course, that life didn't last long. One day, Anna came to him and said, "I'll have to leave you, for now."
"What do you mean?" Andrew asked, baffled.
"I-I played too much video games, so my dad's taking away my PC. I only have a few minutes left in this world."
Only then that Andrew realized the unwavering truth: no matter how invincible you were, your parents would always be stronger than you.
"Wait. How are you still being grounded? How old are you?"
"Of legal age."
"The legal age in Japan is thirteen; that doesn't make it acceptable! How old are you?"
"I'm—" Before Anna was able to respond, she had already vanished.
Witnessing his girlfriend of a year disappearing before his very eyes, Andrew was speechless. Every emotion built up inside his chest; everything they'd had together. Unable to contain his feelings anymore, he screamed, "Yesssss! No more Pink Anne! No more Goddess! No more interruption to my peaceful life!"
"You fool! Do you know what this means?" A male voice resounded behind Andrew. He turned back and Joddy was conveniently standing there.
"Stop moving the plot forward!" Andrew protested.
"This world will be wiped out. Forever. No respawn."
"No." Andrew shivered. "That can't be."
"It's only logical," Joddy replied.
"No. It's too logical. Something that makes sense cannot possibly happen here."
"Your phone is made in China, right?" Joddy pointed at the phone Andrew was holding.
Andrew asked in astonishment, "How do you know?"
"Because it's disappearing, along with everything Chinese."
Andrew looked down and saw his phone being reduced to atoms right in front of his eyes.
"No. No, no, no! I worked hard for my normal life! I'm not about to lose it again!"
So, the young scientist rushed into his laboratory and spent all his precious time assembling the most complicated gadget on Earth. Three seconds later, he walked out and shouted, "Behold! The SpaceWarper 1000!"
"Cool. What does it do?" Joddy asked.
"It concentrates ANTIMATTER into the tip of the holster until the energy gets so dense and the atoms can't stand breathing at each others face anymore like passengers inside a Japanese bullet train. They'll rip space apart just to get out, thus creating a portal to another dimension. . . I hope."
"Gosh! Why do you have to yell ANTIMATTER everytime you say it?"
"I'm not yelling! The author has ANTIMATTER in his copy/paste archive and pasting ANTIMATTER is more desirable than having to type it."
"So it's a really, really big ANTIMATTER cannon?" Joddy asked.
"Yep."
"Astounding," Joddy scoffed. "Have you thought this through? You'll be a 3D creature inside of a 4D world. You might not even gonna exist. If you do exist there, you might even be Latina!" His face contorted as if he just ate a stinky BeanBoozled jelly belly.
"Relax. I'm the main character."
Andrew launched the gun into the air, tearing a deep, black hole floating in space. It was so deep he couldn't see anything but darkness. But he didn't care. He needed to survive.
Andrew jumped into the hole. Then he died.
THE END
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.
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Sike! You thought this is all over, didn't you? BUT YOU WERE WRONG!
SEQUEL
ANDREW IN THE 4D WORLD
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