Valerie would love to have grabbed his neck and watch the life leave his body but when he started to hand out birthday cake, she decided there and then that she wanted to make his life the single most painful existence in human history. How would this happen, different issue entirely. In the meantime, she would have to hand out her cake too.

A simple Victoria Sponge. She wasn’t going to give people her favourite cake. Valerie had made this mistake before. It just started more conversation than one would have liked to engage in. She would get an “OH GOSH! I have never had a cake this good, you have to tell me where you got it from.” or a “How do you spell the name of the shop again?” or maybe even a “I know of this other one that has even better cakes, I’ll send you an email.” That last one annoyed her the most. It’s not like she wasn’t complacent with what she had. Either way, a Victoria Sponge is a good deterrent cake it seemed. Some people were too nice to say it was a simple cake, the rest were simple enough to enjoy it. She was about to finish a smug, victory thought when she heard her name from across the room.

“Valerie! Happy birthday! Hope there are many more to come!” Gleamed Casper. His face was almost plastic. This would explain why she hasn’t seen any other expression come from his visage.

“And you, Casper.” Valerie did the classic nod and smiled with her eyes. A skill that she didn’t know she had until just then. She really didn’t want to give him the satisfaction but yet again, Casper manages to bring out a side of her that she didn’t know she had. Previously, he had tested her patience and she managed to pretend she was actively listening, having her nod when appropriate and going “Oh?” or “Is that right?”. If it’s a particularly drawn out conversation, she brings out the “Aaah, I see” followed by her resting her chin on her fist. It is astounding what could pass as a pillow when the story is boring enough.

“Any plans for the weekend?”

“Nothing in particular, I’ll visit the brother and we’ll catch up.”

“Not having a night out with the girls or anything” he winked

Why the hell did he put emphasis on that and wink? Who still winks? She started to question if she could still wink when Casper interjected.

“You should join me and the wife. We’ll be doing the local pub quiz. Grand prize of a grand” he gave the head half-cocked look, as if to see that that could win her over.

“I’ll see what I can do Casper” she held her arms up “No promises though” and then proceeded to chuckle. Casper also chuckled. They were chuckling at nothing in particular, but experience has taught her the sudden chuckling could move conversation forward. Almost making the entire conversation mute really.

“Well if you get the chance, come to this address.” He handed her a leaflet with the pub information on it. “It’ll be a blast!”

“Great!” she said as she sat back down at her desk. This was usually a sign that the conversation has now ended. Pleasantries would be exchanged now, she supposed. “I’ll see you then”

“Until then” he bowed as gracefully as one could with an entire cake in one arm. Which in Casper terms, it’s more of an awkward curtsey. He spun on his heels and proceeded to have, what Valerie could only perceive as, an equally dull conversation. Then it dawned on her. His cake. She had wanted a slice.

In defeat, she dropped the folded leaflet onto her desk. She really needed an outlet. Gym can only take you so far if you have no interest in getting buff. Resting her cheekbones on each fist, something green flashed in her periphery. The leaflet she had placed had slowly unfolded.

Pottery classes, £15 a session

At the Community Centre on Park Street

7 o’clock to 10 o’clock

Finally. A tall, thin neck she could get her hands on. And legally no less.