14 Niala

Mixed feelings rolled over Gaff’s face in tides as conflict roiled within him. I didn’t want to be the person that had to tell him the news. I wanted it broken to him far away from me, with Kiromir, where I’d never have to know the look on his face.

Of course, Gaff had to see. He was annoying like that—curious, infatuated with me. I’d told him off for it half a dozen times before. He liked me and never tried to hide it, always staying close. He was too impatient. He wanted me to grow up a little faster but waited all the same. I don’t think he chased a single girl’s fire that last summer without thinking of me the entire time. I think he tried to forget me last migration. Girls that he’d run off with gave me apologetic glances. Kiromir kept him at bay.

Mirin, a girl from the Songbird flock, willowy and green-eyed with healer’s fires, had confided in me that they had melded once, and though it felt pleasant enough, warm and soothing, it didn’t feel deep enough or as addictive as a good melding should be. Gaffriel’s fire went deep within me, and I wanted more in the same way that drove me to kick his butt so often.

Screw you for making me feel weird.

There I stood, tail out in the open. My hands displayed my strange fire, and I couldn’t bring myself to respond to him. I could only register white noise in my ears, and then Gaff’s hands were aflame and reaching for mine. Kiromir stood right there! My face went so damned red, but I couldn’t resist closing the gap and letting him grasp my outstretched hand. The horror of what could have and should have just happened flashed in my eyes.

Our fires swam to one another, touching but not fighting. It tingled and then slid away before Kiromir pulled him away from me. So much joy blossomed in Gaffriel’s eyes, celebration, one I didn’t quite share. By the time I felt the warm motes of his fire swimming in me, Kiromir had him halfway out the door, and I didn’t understand what had happened. I stared at my own hands, then him as Kiromir and Gaffriel left my sight. I fought the urge to laugh, but I really just wanted to cry. The stolen moment we had was just that, not the first secret attempt I wanted, but it made me feel whole on a level I didn’t know I could feel yet.

When we were younger, Gaff told me that he would be my best friend forever, that he would always be there. He cried a lot as a child, cried enough for the both of us, and I thought whatever he went through must have been worse than what happened to me, so we stuck together. We were different, but we were the same in a lot of ways.

He was desperate to keep me around the past few months, but I avoided him at Kiromir’s request and over my own strange feelings. Truth be told, I worried about being with him. I didn’t know if we could make a family together, being not of the same stock as he. I had reasoned with myself, as the flock had warned me, that whoever chose me may not be able to have children with me. Not knowing my… race? Species? Tribe?—had its downsides. It had been a strong argument against allowing one of the more well-to-do families their chance at me.

I bundled to myself, threw my blanket over my wings and tail. I wanted them out so I could feel that level of wholeness and comfort. It didn’t last long, my moment of tense introspection. I heard their raised voices, and I tried to tune them out.

I heard voices outside grow louder. “Gaff and Kiromir are scrapping!” Footsteps went by in a rush.

I pulled the thin blanket down tighter. Kiromir would smack some sense into Gaff, and it’d be over in a moment. I didn’t know how to feel about what happened. Firemelding could be intimate, sure, but so did scruffing someone else’s wings, and Gaff and I had done that until it started feeling like something weird. It felt too close, I guess.

The words grew louder, doors slammed, and violence echoed across the barracks. I steeled myself, then drew my wings and tail back in, walking out to inspect the damage done. Dimal walked around with Gaffriel hoisted over his shoulder.

His wings were out.

His face was bloody.

He was limping.

He grinned when he saw me, but I looked away.

Dimal had taken off to get Gaff to Letti, probably, but he headed my way in a sharp detour, grasping to Gaffriel.

“Want to apologize to her?” Dimal asked.

“I might, but you don’t want an apology. You just don’t want to feel bad anymore.” Blood flecked his swollen lips. The gap in his teeth left angry holes. He grinned at me as a slow drip of blood hit the ground between us.

I looked at him—his busted lip, smashed nose, swollen cheek.

“Gaff?” I asked, walking up to him as I steeled myself.

His face went hopeful and bright. But, unfortunately, Dimal saw it coming before he did.

I reached up and lightly flicked Gaffriel’s nose.

“Ah FUCK!” Gaff pulled back and hissed sharply.

“Go get yourself cleaned up. We can talk about it later.” I didn’t think anything would be gained from yelling at him. As far as I was concerned, he had a lot of things to prove that I didn’t know if I could accept yet.

I strode past him, not giving him the pleasure of a look back. I wanted to keep it cold. Gaff had been knocked around so much by his dad and everyone else that violence rarely got through to him. He’d had everything taken away, pawned, gambled, and restrained from him until possessions were meaningless. We couldn’t deprive him of anything that got through to him besides attention.

Thanus and Kiromir were waiting for me when I arrived, and I didn’t have to say a word before Kiromir gave me his best apologetic look.

“Ni,” he said as he reached out a pleading, bloody hand to me. I gave him the same disgusted look I gave Gaff.

“You too, ada, go get cleaned up,” I said as I looked at his busted front door, broken glass, toppled furniture. Thanus shook his head in dismay.

“This was not the glorious coming of age moment I wanted,” I said as Kiromir slinked off to go bathe. I felt tired, and I had cleaning to do. Thanus hung around.

I walked inside Kiromir’s house to survey the damage. Broken glass littered the floor.

I reached inside the kitchen closet, grabbed a broom, and started to tackle the mess. Then, I righted a chair and unplugged a broken lamp lying next to splinters. There was no hope for the door, but I just picked it up and set it against the wall for later. This wasn’t too uncommon, unfortunately, so we kept spare doors and frames in storage.

Thanus watched me with folded arms. “So, you like Gaff?”

“I’d like him a lot better if he gave me some space; I’d tell you that much.” I stopped my sweeping to lean on the broom. I did like Gaffriel, not quite in that way, not all the way, not yet, but he could be fun when he wasn’t threatened.

“Then just hang around Krell for a few days and keep Gaff at arm’s length until everyone can have a talk with him.”

I nodded.

“Unless you don’t want anything else to do with him?” Thanus said.

The thought sat with me a moment, the thought of leaving Gaffriel behind.

“I don’t think it’s that bad. I’d be happier if he could just calm down and leave me be for a while. I’m not going anywhere. Gaff will just have to wait for me to be ready to accept him.” I said it, and I meant it. ‘Here’ was home.