Andrew

September 28th, 2012

One thing I learned is that nothing matters. Nothing is real, everything is an illusion. Everything is a ghost in the form of the past, haunting us. I think Chris understands this the best and that’s why everything is alright with him. I keep having these dreams. There aren’t any different from reality. In these dreams, the ghost seems to always catch up with me. The past, she’s, comforting. But it’s not real. It never is. So that’s why in these dreams I’m always falling.

I live on the edge. I’ve been molded to.

I keep seeing her. She’s next to me faded and laughing. She doesn’t know what she’s doing or why she’s here. She’s just fucked up, the same as I am. I remember making her vulnerable by making myself seem soft. I fucked her then. It haunts me.

I remember her last words to me. I remember Emily yelling at me that it’s all my fault. Maybe she’s right, but part of me doesn’t feel bad about it at all. I can’t stop the people who already made up their minds. That’s just how it is. When Cody found out, I thought he was gonna snap, like how Emily told me about when he did it to Elizabeth. But he didn’t and said nothing, and we haven’t talked about it since. We just continue like I didn’t betray him.

Like I care. I still have nightmares all the same.

Dad is passed out drunk in the living room. Nothing ever changes in this house. Nobody ever cleans except for Sara who only does it once a week. The house stays trashed this way and nobody cares. Dad doesn’t care, he never fucking cares. He’s not even my father anymore, just some alcoholic we babysit. I don’t think twice about shutting the front door on him as I walk out the door.

I often wonder if I should ever get child-services involved, but what good will that do now? I’m a year and a half away from being 18 and Sara and I need to stay close to our friends. I know Sara hates our father much more than I do, but she still refuses to leave. I wonder why.

I honestly hate school. It’s fucking retarded the way it's set up in the United States and everyone in it is stupid. The administrators refuse to kick me out despite being their most delinquent student. I’m told that it’s because I make the school look go with my test scores. But it’s all bullshit, I think. Things shouldn’t work like that. I want to be expelled so I test their limits.

I hate the students here even more. They’re so self-absorbed, so fake, so idiotic. There’s nothing in this town and a round trip to Seattle takes too long. So all they do is get high and throw parties and all I do is supply them. Over half the town is upper class and their parents don’t seem to care where the money goes. It’s easy money and I have the protection to cover my ass if things get hot. The alcohol is trickier but everyone has their connections. Mine is the owner of the liquor store a few streets away from the highway. I saved his life a year ago when he had a stroke when he closing up. Planning to rob the place after hours worked out.

All of this makes me the only drug dealer in the town. The police still think people are going into the city for drugs when in reality they come from me.

By Third period I’m in the dean’s office. Scrote complains and yaps about discipline and how I need to get my shit together I and everyone else calls him Scrotum. “If it wasn’t for the school’s say, I would have you kicked out and forced out into the streets,” He says. “Just because the cops can’t prove you caused Elizabeth’s suicide doesn’t mean you’ll get off the hook.”

I laugh, “You’re a big shot with way too much time on your hands. You don’t care what happens to me. You only care about preserving the image this piece of shit high-end school.”

“Shut your fucking mouth kid. You have no idea how to live in the real world,” His loses himself, kicks over his chair and grabs me by my collar. He fucking hates me and that shit is hilarious.

“You don’t either,” I spit at his face, causing me to laugh harder.

I’m on the floor with a bloodied lip by the end of Third.

I share my fourth-period class with Emily Crowe. Shit, every time she sits next to me her scent makes me wild. She hates me but somehow still likes being around me. It drives me nuts. I break into her house, I make fun of her, I don’t care about her and yet she sticks around and calls me her friend.

“Hey, Drew,” She sits next to me again. The pheromones are driving me crazy again. “Wake up well?”

“Didn’t have a bitch waking me up with a blowjob, so no.”

Emily laughs. Fuck I love her laugh. “Cute. My dad is gonna be in the city for two days. He found a new job and is doing some training, you know what that means?”

“We fucking for 48 hours straight?”

She laughs again, “No, I’m having a kickback tonight. Gracie is gonna try to smoke tonight. Exciting times.”

“That little virgin bitch will chicken out.”

“Don’t call her a bitch, she’s a nice girl.”

“Yeah whatever,” I scoff. “What time? I have to be somewhere tonight.”

Emily adjusts her hair, then the bandana on her wrist. “After 8. Grace has to be home before her mom comes home.”

“She’s a downer. Fuck her.”

“What are you doing that you might not make it?”

“Meeting with my supplier, duh.”

“Who is he? Why haven’t I ever met him.”

“Doesn’t concern you.”

The bell rings which saves me from this conversation. The less Emily knows the better. It fucked Elizabeth up and I’m not letting that mistake happen again.

Chris likes to come with me to these little meetings. The supplier likes to fund Chris’s little projects and in return, Chris makes the drugs we sell better. He’s the one who introduced me in the first place. Don’t know how he found him but it doesn’t matter.

I don’t expect Lyle to show up.

“You fucked a girl yet?” I ask Chris while I drive to the meeting spot. Chris, not much of a talker he is. I scoff, “Nevermind. It’s like you care. Found anything interesting?”

Chris nods. “There’s something weird about Winter.”

“What about it? Were you able to reverse engineer it?”

He nods again. “I’m not gonna give it to Lyle. It’s odd that he wants it. Do you know anything about it?”

I do. It’s expensive and not much is left in the world. “It was popular about five years ago in Colorado. It disappeared when the feds broke up a gang over there. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Since Lyle wants it you can deduce that the gang isn’t completely dead. He’s working for them.”

“Or maybe we’re in over our heads, Andrew.”

“You think Lyle is part of the Golden Hearts?”

“He’s using you. Using me.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

“Why do you care all of a sudden?”

Chris sighs. He doesn’t respond as I see the meeting place in front of us. Acid stands in front of his black SUV. He’s Lyle right-hand man, butler, cock sucker I honestly don’t know. He does Lyle’s dirty work.

Acid’s black skin and tall height make him intimidating. I don’t think I have seen him laugh. He’s dangerous so I make sure I’m ready for anything. “Nice to have you show up on time,” He says in his dark voice.

“Sorry to disappoint,” I chuckle. I know what would happen if I were late. Even though I don’t get scared, it’s something I don’t want to experience. “So what’s up? I’m assuming you’re here to give me something. It’s either more drugs to sell or a bullet through my head.”

Acid laughs. This is the first time I made him laugh. It’s much more intimidating than his frowning. “You’re a funny kid, Andrew. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re not dying today.”

“Good to know, dying really doesn’t fit in my schedule anytime soon.”

“Chris,” Acid pauses. “Lyle wants to know if the Winter can be reverse-engineered. Any progress?”

Chris shakes his head, “No, sorry.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I’m Andrew’s partner in this. I share the responsibility.” Chris’ words are odd to me. He’s been acting strange lately, I wonder if he’s stopping his LSD dosages.

Acid scoffs. “Yeah, whatever. Andrew,” he pauses again. “Lyle wants you to meet with him a couple of weeks from now. You’ll be doing some collections with him.”

“Isn’t that your job?”

“You’ve done them before so you can get used to the ones you’ll be doing,” Acid crosses his arms. He isn’t pleased about this. The fucker is probably thinking I’m going to replace him. No, that couldn’t be it, Acid is too good at his job. Lyle wants me to collect debts that he’s owed and Acid just implied these batches are more serious; perhaps dangerous. That only means Lyle is taking me more seriously.

“Alright then, give me the gun.”

“What?”

“I’m assuming they won't be cooperative and I would need something more persuasive than a 16-year-old’s words.”

Acid uncrosses his harms and pulls out a Glock 19 and points it at me. He’s trying to scare me. From my peripheral vision and can see Chris isn’t even paying attention. “You’re smart too. I can see why Lyle likes you.”

“I’m second best at my school. Chris here is miles above me though.”

“Nah, you’re street smart too,” Acid flips the gun and tosses it to me and I catch it. Just like I thought, the safety was on. Acid pulls out a bag out of his pocket and tosses it to me too. It’s more Yeyo, my favorite. “Sell this. We’re done here.”

He doesn’t ask for the money I brought with me. “Cool, thanks.”

Chris walks back to the car first and I turn around to follow him. “Almost forgot. Where’s that Elizabeth girl? Lyles has been trying to contact her.”

“You guys don’t know? Bitch is dead. Killed herself.”

Acid’s eyes widen. “Should have told us. Leave.”

Chris and I don’t talk for the rest of the car ride back home. All I can focus on is why Acid’s eyes would widen. He isn’t one to be concerned about Elizabeth. Hell, even Lyle shouldn’t even be concerned with her. They met once. Fuck I hate thinking. If Lyle is wondering where Elizabeth then that means…

Fuck, no more thinking.

I drop Chris at Cody’s and drive five houses down to the only thing that can get my mind off things, Emily’s.

It’s creepy, I know; breaking into this girl’s house. She never minds though. She may act as she does but she truly doesn’t care. I’m one of her closest friends and I suppose that gives me the ability to do so. I often wonder if she ever thinks about what I do in her room while I wait for her and Sara to come.

I often wonder why I always spend it drinking or sitting motionless. But the kickback isn’t in her room so I wait in the living room. I’m lucky her dad won’t come home until Monday.

Sara enters the house first, then Grace and finally Emily. Isaac is next and then Chris shows up. I’m already half-drunk at this point. I’m also half high on the Coke that I bought for myself from myself. The music starts. It’s all shit, but catchy pop songs that we all bop our heads as we try to convince Grace to smoke. I’m the one who’s pushing her. I refuse to leave a soul untainted in this world and she still has yet to learn how fucked up everyone is.

“Stop being stupid and just take a hit. You’re not gonna do dumb shit like throw up on the suicidal girl with us around. It’s not like we’re going to force you to get high,” I catch Sara laughing nervously at my words.

Grace bites her lips and grabs the pipe from Emily. Everyone starts cheering as she brings the can closer to her face.

The event is interrupted by my phone’s text vibration. It’s from Cody: “Keep her safe”

I lick the blood of my gums and look back at everyone’s cheer as Grace takes her very hit of weed; except I can’t concentrate on applauding her. Why can’t Cody come and take care of her? She’s been so fucking alone without him the past weeks. Why does he have to be such a dick and ignore her most of the time? Things seemed to go back to normal last week. Now it’s the same shit.

“How is it?” Sara asks the little girl.

“Terrible,” Grace coughs.

“Smoke up, there’s more to come,” I laugh.

And with that, the real party begins.

Chris is the first one to pass out and it’s not even past nine. He’s been an odd one today, makes me wonder if the drugs have gotten to him. My sister stands up from the couch she’s sitting up to go dance with Grace and Isaac. Emily scuffles herself to sit next to me.

“Where do you even manage to get all of this?” Emily asks me about the expensive brands of alcohol I brought.

“I know some guys,” I laugh again.

Emily giggles, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you knew a guy that knows some guys”

I smile and look back at my glass of pure, 100 proof cognac. “I know a lot of people…things.”

Emily smiles, “I know you do,” I can smell the strong scent of strawberry vodka in her breath. She isn’t slurring so she can’t be drunk. “I don’t know why you have to be such a dick sometimes though. I mean Sara tells me some reasons, but it still doesn’t justify you.”

“Don’t dwell too much into my life, Ems,” I say before standing up and heading to the bathroom.

My piss feels like an eternity. My hair is messed up but I missed it while looking at myself in the mirror. That’s when I noticed the blood falling from my nose. It must be from all the damn cocaine.

When I get back, Isaac is passed out. I knew he couldn’t hold his liquor. I notice Sara is wasted and Emily is getting there. Grace is rocking her body side to side to the music.

The next thing I know, everyone who’s up is dancing and so am I. I can’t stop staring at Emily who I know is drunk now. Grace is dancing with Emily while spilling her beer as she tries to drink. She goes out cold for a second on the couch.

All the dancing and laughter is coming to an end. For the first time in a while, I feel drunk; out of my control.

The song, “Walking on a dream” by Empire of the Sun comes on. It’s Emily’s favorite song. I take my sit and drink a bit more while I watch Emily and Grace dance with each other again. Grace eventually crashes again and Emily brings my hand up to dance with her by the second half of the song. I can catch every single scent of pheromones. It’s sweet like a cherry milkshake. No, she’s even sweeter. Everything she does is a poison to me. Emily grinds next to me, raising her hands to hold her head and steps her feet to the music. She’s smiling as I comply with every move she makes.

The song ends, I’m dizzy and tired but Emily is from finished. “All night long” By LFMAO starts playing. I fucking hate this song and I know Emily does too. But the bass and kicks start. Emily drops her knees to every two kicks while she has her arms forming a “v’ with her elbows pointed inward to her torso with her fingers ready to snap. She giggles, gets on top of her living room table, shuffling her feet right to left. She laughs, I laugh. I watch in awe. Emily’s hair goes all over the place as she happily stops her feet to the beat of the music. an angel. Emily jumps down and pulls my arm bringing myself to her level. She turns her back to me and places her ass right on my dick. It’s a fucking instant turn out and I can’t help but grab her ass while I move to the music with her.

The beat slows down and Emily turns back around to face me. I get another chance to stare into her ever-changing eyes. This time they’re blue. Emily does nothing but laugh. The next thing I know I get everything that I ever wanted in this shit life. She pulls back, but it doesn’t matter because we’re both drunk and she goes for it.

It’s everything that I ever imagined.

This feels like a dream. It’ll just be another ghost that’ll haunt me. The past is haunting me again. This isn’t real, why would I be? Emily is drunk, of course, she doesn’t like me back. She’s just an illusion, unobtainable. I’m falling again.