Cody III

December 24th, 2012

One of the things that Emily and I used to do was sit in the treehouse and wait for Christmas to hit the clock. We have never missed a year since the treehouse was built when we were eight. Sitting inside alone only makes me remember the very first memory I have of Emily. The day that we met before kindergarten even started.

Not long after that, we started to play outside together. We would explore the woods together, get lost together and have sleepovers all the time. We are the cliche lovers from childhood. We’re destined to have this happy ending.

It is just never that easy.

Now I’m sitting on this stupid treehouse feeling like my heart has been shot with an anti-material rifle. It’s difficult to breathe. I feel the same as when I thought Emily was dead in that car crash and I went berserk on Andrew. It was the same feeling when Emily was dying when we were little. She had her stupid sickness and didn’t get better for a long time. Don’t think I ever been so afraid in my life before. And it’s the same feeling when I found out Elizabeth has been doing Meth just to get over the guilt of cheating on me.

Yeah, Elizabeth. I should’ve never gotten myself involved with the girl. She was a prude, the perfect girl and I twisted her into getting fucked up. Andrew and I never told anyone what happened that summer. I don’t think I ever will. Not with everything that happened between us and Lyle.

Chris climbs up the tree. Lately, I felt that he’s been out of touch with reality so we haven’t hung out much since Elizabeth’s death. “You okay?” he asks.

I nod my head, “Just following tradition.”

“She’ll be back,” he says, sitting next to me and lighting a cigarette. I didn’t know he started smoking. “It’ll be okay.”

“Right…”

“Did you hear about what happened to Sara?”

I nod, thinking back how she disappeared for a month and a half. I heard Andrew tore up the entire state apart just to find her. “She okay?”

“She’s living with Grace now.”

“What do you know about Grace? Do You know why Emily became friends with her?”

Chris shrugs, taking a drag from his cigarette. “She wanted Grace to try and have a normal life. It’s Elizabeth all over again,” he says, sending a slight chill to my spine. “She likes you.”

“Does she?”

“She blushes every time anyone mentions you. She thinks she can hide it but it’s pretty obvious.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“How are you then? Gotten any better?”

“I think so,” Chris exhales, finishing the last of the cigarette in a short time. “I fucked myself up thinking I could handle it,” he chuckles. I do too. “Guess I wasn’t smart enough to know my limit.”

I laugh a bit more. “Hey, remember when the two of us were up here to watch over Emily’s first trip?” Chris nods and I see a hint of a smile. That rarely happens. “Ah, we were fucking idiots back then.”

“Still are…”

“Ha, yeah. I guess. Talked to Andrew?”

“He’s around. He’s running around with Lyle again, the idiot.”

“It’s just gonna get him killed.”

“I think that’s what he wants.”

Andrew. He’s the devil. He’s been the devil ever since his mother’s suicide when he was eight. Andrew ran around Middle School learning everything he can about crime. I remember watching him start to sell stolen drinks from convenience stores back when I was 13. We weren’t friends then, but I always knew the kid was reckless and stupid. He’s either gonna grow up or become an extremely dangerous person in the future. It’s better to cut off ties with him now.

On the day of the crash, he said that he isn’t sorry about what he did with Elizabeth. I couldn’t bother with anything he said as I was concentrated on his fucking up his face. Then he said he was sorry about Emily. Andrew got away without saying anything, just like that. Never thought he was one to apologize.

Chris states that it’s getting cold and then heads home. There’s no point in wasting time freezing and having small talk. I feel him. Once I’m alone my mind just races back to Emily.

There isn’t anything else.

There’s this one promise that I regret that I made with her. I doubt she remembers it, although she may remember the updated one. A couple of months ago, on one of the nights where Elizabeth was just too much to handle, rather the night I lost it, Emily came over. That was the night where we renewed our vows of sorts. Getting married when we’re 21. She was drunk and probably doesn’t know what I said. I told her I would destroy the world for her.

But before that, a long time ago, the first night we spent together in this treehouse when we were eight. I promised her that no matter what happens, no matter the cost, I’ll make Emily my wife. Emily at the time laughed it off with a cute smile. In return, she promised that she’ll be waiting. Emily hasn’t forgotten.

Then there was this night where we were sitting on top of this hill. It’s the highest point in the woods where it overlooks the entire forest and the city far beyond it. There is a gray line between the end of Forest’s sight and the city’s skyline. It’s magical.

“Our junior year starts tomorrow. Nervous?” Emily asked, playing with the grass on the ground. She ripped it up and played the pieces on top of each other.

“Why would I?”

Emily shrugged, “It’s just that,” she paused and stopped playing with the grass, placing her hands on her knees. “Everything is starting to move so fast. Just yesterday we started high school. The day before that we were just kids with no idea who our friends will be.”

“You’re overthinking it, Ems,” I chuckled.

I was staring at the Seattle skyline as I felt Emily’s headrest on my shoulder. “You think we’ll ever get separated?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, could something ever happen that will tear us apart?”

“Nothing you could ever do.”

“Not even if I date other guys?”

“No.” I looked down at Emily who had her eyes closed under her bangs. She had this gentle smile as if everything was alright. Now I wish I could see that again. “What if I date other girls?”

“Like who?!”

“So that’s a no?”

“We already discussed this. We’re not dating, Cody. Do what you want, but you’re mine when we’re older.”

“Hmm,” I laughed. “I get a sense that you’re mad now.”

Emily shook her head, wrapping herself around my arm. “No. I know when you try to get me mad on purpose. Doesn’t work on me anymore.”

“Then what makes you think we might not be friends anymore in the future?”

“I don’t know. We can’t see the future, so who knows.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Who knows. But Emily, no matter what. If it happens or not, I’ll always love you.”

Emily let go and stared right through me and I stared right through her. There was something magical about that night. I miss those nights. I miss how we would always spend Christmas eve together in the treehouse to just talk until sunrise.

I didn’t want to hurt her as I did with Elizabeth, so I pushed her away in hopes that she’ll understand. Now she’s pushing me away, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

I text Emily hoping she’ll respond. She says she needs space after the accident and all. I don’t know what she means. She’s guilty about Sara and hates Andrew now. I stood by her side once again and after everything, she tells me it’s best if we don’t speak for a while.

Because there isn’t anything else I can do but to hope.

Still, the night is young and I find myself responding to a text from Grace. Her mom is busy with work so she can’t spend Christmas Eve with her. Grace wants to hang out and smoke. We invite her over to the treehouse but Chris and I end up going to her because she doesn’t know her way around yet.

“How can you guys ever get to the treehouse I can’t even see anything,” Grace complains as we navigate the complete darkness of the forest. “What if we get attacked by a bear or something?”

I laugh, “There are no bears in the forest.”

“Hopefully,” Chris jokes.

“Oh haha, dick.”

Grace cursed. That’s a new one. She only curses when she’s mad. “Where’s Sara, how come you didn’t invite her?”

“I did and she didn’t want to, she still doesn’t leave her room much.”

“Is she okay?” I haven’t seen Sara since she disappeared. I thought she would go back to school since she’s living with Grace now but she was excused for the semester. I don’t talk to Andrew anymore so I don’t know what happened. There are the usual rumors everyone spreads to stir up drama but I never believe them anyway. Still, I’m curious why she’s at Grace now. Something must have happened at home.

“She’s been getting a lot better in the past month,” Grace nods but I can barely see her anyways.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. Sara doesn’t talk about it and Mom doesn’t want to tell me. She says that it’s really private for Sara.”

“Oh. Well, at least she’s doing alright. You talk to Emily?”

“Yeah, you haven’t?”

“Not really.”

“She’s been doing fine. We skype like every other night. Did you know her mom is super-rich? She lives in the upper east side.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “I don’t think she fits in though. Last she told me her mom enrolled her in this super exclusive preppy private school. She hates all the kids there.”

“Yeah, she does,” Grace laughs.

We arrive at the treehouse not long after. Grace climbs up first. “Hold up I gotta go look at these plants and shit,” Chris tells me as I climb up. He’s squatting down playing with a blue flower. A mourning glory.

“Chris is not coming up?”

“He’s doing Chris things, leave him alone.”

Grace laughs again sitting on the edge of the entrance. I sit next to but only one leg can hang out so I sit under my left. “Thanks for letting me come. Christmas Eve would have been boring. Got any weed?”

“Since when do you willingly smoke?”

“I’m not the same girl when you met me,” She grins. “I’m one of the cool kids.”

I involuntarily snort, “Yeah right.”

Grace lightly punches me in the arm. “I’m not a scaredy-cat anymore.”

It’s not that I haven’t noticed Grace staring at me at times. I often catch her doing it. It’s not that I don’t like her. She’s young, too young and although she’s grown a lot since I first saw her she barely resembles a high schooler now. Grace is a good person who I like as a friend so I want to keep it at that. Besides, I think I’m done with chasing girls because I’m bored. I want Emily; only Emily.

I look at my phone, hoping I missed a text from her. Nothing. “You still got a long way to go.”

“Well with you by my side, anything is possible.”

“What?”

“I-I-I means as an f-friend,” Grace gets flustered. I’m sure she meant it as she says but just worded it wrong. Ever since Emily left it’s just been Chris, Grace and I at our lunch table. The three of us get along. It’s comfortable.

“Yeah, sure.” I can’t help but laugh.

“S-shut up. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Dude, Grace. It’s fine. I know you have a crush on me. It’s whatever.”

Grace shuts up. What am I doing? I shouldn’t have told her that. That’ll just make her ask if I feel the same way. It puts her in an awkward spot. I’m such an idiot. “N-no I don’t!”

I shut myself up before I say anything stupid. It’s better to drop it now. “Here, I only have a blunt with me.” I give her the only thing that’ll change the subject. Grace takes the blunt and lighter and lights it up. She coughs when she tries to inhale much more than she can handle. “Slow down, geez.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she says coughing.

“Yeah, sure looks like it,” I laugh.

“You want a hit?”

“Nah, I’m good.” I stare at the stars. I stare at infinity.

The pungent smell of the blunt reminds me of when Emily and I used to do exactly what I’m doing with Grace. Hell, I don’t think we just sat at the treehouse and smoked since before last summer. All we did was just sitting around and talking about nothing.

“Y’know, I’m really glad I met you guys. I would probably not have any friends if I wasn't taken in by you,” Grace coughs.

“It happens.”

“No, I know. But like, I thought I was going to be friends with Megan and her group when she invited me to that party.” Grace pauses to take a hit. I know what she’s trying to say. Megan thought it would be funny to get her drunk and embarrassed her later on. “Literally the worst thing that could have happened, happened and it could have ruined these next four years.”

“Why did you follow her anyways? You didn’t have to apologize.”

“It was my first time drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing. She-she knew I was there, why do you think she did it there?”

I shrug not having a really good answer. “Isn’t that the whole mystery of it all?”

“C-can I ask how you feel about it? You don’t really talk about it.”

It eats me up inside, just like everyone else. Sometimes I can’t sleep over it. “I hear you’ve been asking around looking for answers.”

“You’re the only one I haven’t asked. Been kind of scared too, really.”

I take the blunt off her hands and take the biggest hit I’m able too before actually coughing. “I sometimes wonder what I could have done differently to avoid it all. I liked how she smiled. She used to do it a lot then it gradually faded.”

“What do you think happened?”

“I think she had something eating her up that she couldn’t talk about. She did something and it killed her and couldn’t bear it all.”

“What do you mean?”

I take another hit. “Her fake ass friends, how we corrupted her and encourage her to do all those drugs. How she got addicted to it all, how she met with Lyle, it’s all fucked up. She thought she walked through tall grass and everything and she was snakes. I gave her that idea.”

“Who’s Lyle?”