Emily III

May 11th, 2013

“Hey, Emily,”

“She can’t hear you, idiot.”

“She’s faking it, Bri.”

“Shi- Emily is a weird-ass girl, cuh. Deadass with sweaters in May, ‘sup with that?”

“It’s who she is, Tyler. Brian, stop going through her phone! We need to get her home.”

“Emily doesn’t care Bri. Hey, look at this. Emily used to have really cool hair. Why’d she cut it.”

“Duh Lil’ homie. They had to cut it for surgery, yanowame? She hella fine though.”

“Emily still looks good with short hair, cut her some slack guys.”

“Yo, how come Emily spaces out n’ shi?”

“I don’t know. Come on, we need to get her home before her mom freaks.”

“You think it’s true?”

“What’s true?”

“That the parties she went to go harder than here.”

“Fuck no! Fuck ya’ mean? New York boys go hard. Espech in Upper East, y’all muthafuckers keep it real. Bunch of rich ass, bored ass white kids with no better to do.”

“Yeah, we’re a bunch of shit heads, Brian. There’s no way anyone can keep up with us.”

“Living the life.”

I act like I can’t hear them, but I do. I just don’t care. Most of the time it’s just daydreaming. Cody says that the dead don’t speak only because they’re too busy screaming. I always wondered what that meant.

They think they know how it is; smoking weed, cocaine, and drinking every Friday and Saturday night. It’s not compared to what happens in Darkwood; all the parties, and the rumors and lies and fights and deaths and suicides. But it’s nice here; it’s not as fast-paced. I always thought it would be.

School is calm for a private school. I always expected it to be crazier like in the movies. The people there are all stuck up. I only managed to bag me, three friends. Tyler, Brian, and Brenna; everyone else treats me like an outsider. Not even their friends like me; to them, I’m just another fucking weirdo. I’m not a New York girl, what can they expect?

Brian reminds me a lot like Andrew, except he isn’t nearly as reckless. He’s just another preppy white douche that doesn’t know when to shut up. Tyler is only slightly better and is Brian’s best friend. He’s a white kid who grew up in Harlem and had the fortune to get out. He still likes to speak like he’s from there because it gives him the street cred. All he does is follow Bryan and isn’t anything special and is practically the same as him. Brenna is that tall white girl with lots of money and great thighs. Everyone wants her and nobody can get it. I wouldn’t exactly call them my friends if I don’t even like them.

I’m distant, I don’t need to space out and listen to their conversation for me to know this. They think I don’t know what’s going on when I space out, but I do, I just don’t care. Spacing out helps with the anxiety attacks. They have become more recent of the late.

-

“I thought you were coming home an hour ago,” my sister, Jerrica says when I get home.

“Sorry, I spaced out. You know how I get.”

“I thought you grew out of it when you were five,” My sister giggles. “Well, I won’t tell Mom you were late if you help me with dinner, deal?”

I smile. “Deal.”

We live in a brownstone row house where we have plenty of enough room for the three of us. Even though I have my room, I never sleep in it. I always sleep with my sister. I don’t know why, maybe because it reminds me of when I was little before Mom and Dad got divorced. My sister doesn’t mind either and so that’s how it works.

I live on the upper east side, but I never fit in with all the other people in my school. Even though I don’t enjoy the city, walking around Central Park has become a hobby. My three friends have learned this and usually leave me alone when they go hang out with their stuck up rich friends who only know the good side of drugs.

New York is far different from Seattle or Darkwood. The people are rude and always busy and are always anxious to get home. It’s what makes me an outsider, I’m just too nice. Central Park is where all the dirtiness and smugness goes away. It’s why I like it. It reminds me of the woods where Cody and I used to play in and friendliness of people there is the same as Darkwood. The stores near it remind me of Seattle, especially the coffee and bread shops. People say it’s far different, but it’s all the same to me.

Sometimes I wish I could go back there so I can see Sara, Gracie, Isaac, my dad and everyone else. But thinking about it makes me realize why I left in the first place. Andrew has fucked my life over and I can’t live with him being in love with me when I don’t love him back.

I thought I would give it a shot, everything seemed fine. But I saw the video Bo posted online of when Andrew and Cody fought over me. Andrew was enjoying it and seemed like he never gave a shit about me after all. He didn’t even know how to stop me from my anxiety attacks, even though everyone knows, even Chris. I saw how Cody lost himself. It’s the fourth time I ever watched it happen. I stopped the video before it ended just because I couldn't watch it anymore.

It’s good that I left. I can finally breathe. One thing I want to do, whenever I can, is to take Cody by the throat and make him understand the world as if he were me. He left me alone where I had to face the world in darkness. It hasn’t been the same without him. Now everything is at least getting more and more clear as each day passes.

I don’t even know what to think.

Now, on how much things have changed, I try to understand what made Cody so afraid. Elizabeth’s suicide shouldn’t have affected him so much. He told me he didn’t care about her, it was just a fling. I’ve known him long enough to know if he was lying. Sara tells me he avoids me to protect him from his rage. He calls himself Mr. SelfDestruct. It's bull on how he lies to everyone about that. I know the truth, even if he doesn’t know it yet. He’s just afraid to cross the line we promised not to. The night he snapped on Elizabeth, that’s when everything changed.

But there’s more to it, I’m sure of it.

I think that I think too much. That’s what Chris says. Chris knows me the best this way. “Life is like a video game, well yours, and the final boss is your mind. Nothing in the world is eviler than your mind. Stop thinking for once,” he says all the time. Chris’ philosophy always bothered me. He always speaks in tongues.

“Are you ready?” My sister breaks me out of the trance.

“Yeah, yeah,” I say getting up from my bed. We’re going to a party on the upper east side. It’s one of those exclusive parties only the people in the know can get into. Jerrica managed to get some pull and invite me in. Brenna and Jerrica are gonna be the only people I know that’ll be there. I’m nervous but a little excited because I don’t know what to expect.

Jerrica and I meet up with Brenna halfway to the destination. I’m severely underdressed but I don’t wear revealing clothing like Brenna or Jerrica anyways. Maybe it’s time to start, my weight is starting to be at a point where I’m comfortable.

Unlike Darkwood where everything is chaotic and relentless, New York is more social and calm. The parties here remind me of those that I see in the bad teen movies on Netflix. It’s not a private school or high school party. Everyone here has status and has just come back home from their semester. Everyone here is from Columbia, Yale, Harvard, Stanford and every other college I expect all the rich white kids to go. I’m so outclassed that it takes a couple of shots just to calm me down.

But I manage to blend in. Mom is rich and Jerrica goes to Columbia herself. Brenna herself fits in and I’m able to hold my own in this new world of power and pretentiousness. Even in this new environment somethings never change. I witness a drug deal happening right outside of the entrance of the townhome. The group then ran up to the bathroom to hide it. In Darkwood everything happened so openly. People here have a lot more to lose.

My appearance manages to grab the attention of a group of two girls and two guys. They comment on how anti-establishment I dress and commend me for my bravery. I don’t think so. All I’m wearing is a light black jacket over a red cardigan and a white t-shirt, a gray skirt and black leggings. It’s nothing special compared to the hundreds and thousand dollars outfit everyone else is wearing. This is just how I always dress to parties and never have I let people’s opinions sway me.

They ask where I’m from and what my major is. The energy everyone here is giving off in this place comes off as incredibly judgemental and fake. This isn’t my scene and I don’t have a reputation to uphold so I answer as honestly as I can. “I just graduated High School and going to the Fashion Institute in the fall. I’m just here so my friend and sister aren’t alone.

I can’t tell if they like my answer or not. They’re hard to read. “That’s lit,” one of the guy's answers.

“Yeah, you’re so cool, so original.”

“Uh, thanks.” I laugh nervously.

That’s when I see him. A guy walks by that immediately grabs my attention. He stands taller than anyone in this party and taller than anyone I’ve ever seen. I never like the term jaw-dropping but this is how it feels. Sara always talked about people’s energy and how she can sometimes get a feeling of someone’s presence. I never really understood it but damn, I think I feel it. It’s powerful.

The girls notice me staring and look over and laugh. “Emily you’re staring,” one of the laughs. “That’s Soran, He’s just a freshman at Columbia and his family is poor but none of that matters, does it?”

“Yeah,” the other girl laughs nervously. “He’s so hot. Like, hot.”

“Geez, keep it in your pants Kayla,” the guys laugh.

“We can introduce you, but don't get your hopes up.”

“Soran! Over here!”

Shit. I blanked out again. This is happening. This is happening. The beautiful dark beige man turns his head towards us and starts to walk towards me. His eyes meet mine and my legs collapse on themselves. “Hey, Kayla, Liam, I can't believe I haven’t said hi yet. What’s up, guys?”

“Hey, Soran! How are you?” Kayla giggles.

His milky tea eyes meet mine again. “I’m doing just dandy, who’s this? A new friend?”

“She’s Emily, Jerrica’s sister. She’s so tight.”

“Uh, hiya.” Stupid, I know.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Emily,” Soran smiles and extends his hands towards me. His voice is deep but charming. It’s like his mere presence is lighting up the room.

I take his hand and shake it. His hands are rough and have calluses. I’ve noticed his figure when I first saw him but Soran definitely works out. His biceps are the literal size of my head. Soran’s shirt is tight and I can only imagine what’s underneath.

I stop myself. This isn’t like me. “Oh no, It’s alright I’m nobody.”

“Don’t sell yourself short.”

Soran turns to his friends and the conversation changes. I stand and listen in but don’t contribute. I don’t know what just happened. It’s like I became a different person. I excuse myself to have a drink and join Brenna to whatever she’s doing. She’s talking to some guys and compare to what Soran is, it’s a breeze.

My sister joins us soon after and then we split from the guys to have more drinks together. Being buzzed is exactly where I need to be. It makes it a lot easier not to look over to where Soran is. It doesn’t work 100% of the time and Jerrica notices.

“Girl, at least try not to make it so obvious,” she laughs.

“Is it that bad?”

“Like bad, bad,” Brenna laughs too.

-

Somehow among the night of shots and red cups, I lose Jerrican and Brenna. Somehow I manage to navigate myself through a party of sheer socializing and networking. Somehow I find myself outside smoking a joint with Soran. Up close next to me, I find that he’s at least a foot taller than me.

“You have some balls smoking that outside,” he says.

“I used to do it all the time back home,” I answer back with an exhale. I like this. I’m back in control of myself again. Soran is just a regular guy. I have to remember that.

“Y’know, I hope you don’t turn into the people inside this place.”

“What do you mean?”

Soran sits on the steps leading to the front door. “You and me, we don’t come from their world. You and I know what’s real.“

“You don’t care for fitting in?”

Soran shakes his head. “I just do my own thing. Worrying about being liked, being rich and having that pull over people, it’s not me. It’s just now how I was raised.”

“And where’s that at?”

“I grew up in Russia.”

“Russia? You don’t look, Russian.” Don’t talk like one either.

He laughs for the first time. It’s intoxicating and I immediately want more. “My parents are a mix of Persian and Russian. I’m Soran Sergeyevich. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Your last name?” He chuckles.

“Oh. Emily Crowe.”

“It’s pretty.”

“Oh, uh, thank you.”

My phone vibrates. It’s Brenna. Everyone inside is gossiping about me. They’re wondering how I got Soran alone. I’m not even sure myself. I must have blanked out when it happened.

“You’re not joining your sister in Columbia?”

“No, no. I’m more into fashion. I want to start my own company someday.”

“Eh, you have a good eye. I’m sure you can do it.”

“Thanks,” I giggle.

“I’m serious. You’re not insecure about yourself. That alone will help you accomplish your dreams.”

“I’m insecure. About a lot of things.”

“Sure, everyone is,” Soran stands up. “But you don’t let it define you.”

Soran’s words are powerful. I’m not sure if I believe him as he barely knows me. He’s hot, that much is obvious, he’s trying some sort of play, he has to be. All he’s trying to do is to appeal to my interest to let my guard down. Still, there’s something genuine about his words. I don’t know what to believe. What would Cody have me do?

No. I can’t think like that. I don’t need Cody in my life anymore. It’s why I moved here, to get away from it all.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” He asks.

“Yeah. I’d like that,” I answer.