Grace IV

Liz refills her vape on the creaky old wooden table. Alex sets down the 12-pack right next to her and tosses a beer to his friend, Zac. I set down the bottle of whiskey and shot glasses. Just as we all open our beer cans, Ren arrives with Ayana and Marcus.

The boys set up the campsite to toss around a football. Ayana and Ren sit together and try to see how many shots of whiskey they can do without making a face. They only last two. I laugh while I sip on my beer.

Liz turns to me and says, “So, is tonight the night?”

She talking about Alex and I. The tension between us has been building ever since sophomore year. Now that our four-year tenure has ended, the tension has never been higher. It’s a game of will they, won’t they? There have been at least five different times where we could have hooked up but for some reason or another, something happens to stop it. I could easily have forced it whenever I wanted but,

“Oh please, Grace is queen. She can have it whenever, with whoever. I’m still mad you got with Peter before any of us could,” Ren says with a smirk. She’s just proud that she used my clout to be popular.

“That and I’m not desperate,” I respond.

My friends laugh, maybe because what I said was funny or maybe because they have to. I’m not sure anymore. Liz seems to be the only one who cares to be my friend just to be my friend. Ren and Ayana only seem to be my friends because I’m the girl everyone wants so by association, they’ll want them to.

That’s right, I almost forget sometimes. I’m the queen of Mickle Ray High School. Well at least until the end of summer. It’s been a hell of a road that I fought hard to get here. I can’t count the amount of backstabbing and underhand fights I’ve been through. I went from “Brainguts” to everyone kissing my feet.

It’s just a facade. I mask I put on to go through high school, but it works. Just how it works today.

We’re just hanging out at the usual spot, like always. It’s the campsite inside the Darkwood forest. It’s usually filled by cars forming a circle where everyone hangs out by sitting on the hoods of the cars. This is where all the cool kids hang out in, the wannabe influencers, the fake kids.

When the boys finish their game of toss they join us to do shots of whiskey. I’m the only one who doesn’t. Instead, I pull out an eight-ball that I got from Felix.

“Jesus, Grace,” Liz comments.

“Yeah, is it a good idea to mix drinks with-”

I cut off Zac as I lay down a line. “It’s 2016, don’t be pussies.”

Ayana and Alex laugh. “Can I get a line?” Alex asks.

We look at each other in the eyes. The good Christian boy is now doing hardcore drugs, who would have thought. His eyes are light but bright blue and I get lost within them. I’m reminded why we never hooked up, to begin with.

“Sure, anybody else?”

Everyone else shakes their heads and I roll up a twenty to do a bump. Alex does the same.

Thirty minutes later, everyone’s drunk or tipsy. It doesn’t matter. Ayana and Zac are on the hood of Ren’s car making out. Ayana doesn’t even like Zac like that but she knows she needs to distract Zac if I ever want to get close to Alex. Liz has taken Marcus somewhere. She likes him so I guess it’s fine. All that’s left is Ren.

She’s competitive and always wants everything I have. She always tries to undermine me, usually fails but still acts like my friend. I was making fun of her earlier when I said I wasn’t desperate. She’s not very bright either. Alex and I watch her pass out after trying to keep up with us. We leave her laying down on top of the wooden table.

I catch Alex’s perfect eyes on me while I’m sipping on my beer? “Do I have something in my face?”

Alex shakes his head. “Nah, just looking at the prettiest thing here.”

I feel myself blushing. This is it, there is no other chance to hook up with Alex. Everything that happened today was panned just so this could happen. Liz knows it, Ayana knows it, Ren tried to ruin it, Zac and Marcus probably know it, I just wonder if Alex knows. “Nah, that would be you.”

Alex chuckles. It’s soft and calming, just like his smile. I’ve been crushing on him for so long, I just can’t believe it took me so long to get here. I’m supposed to be able to get anyone I want, right? That’s just the facade I put on. The confidence everyone knows I have is just a mask that Felix helped me construct.

Inside I’m still that dork with heavy glasses and braces.

But Alex doesn’t have to know that. “Y’know, every time we’re at a party together, you never get drunk, do you? Pretty smart.”

“Says the Christian boy doing lines of cocaine,” I poke fun of him.

“Nobody will let that go, will they?” Alex laughed and I join him. Alex’s parents own the Darkwood church. It’s a pretty cathedral and probably the tallest building in the town. He’s also Freyja’s brother.

“Nah, it’s too funny.”

“Do you got another line?”

“Yeah, sure.”

I watch Alex do a line after I do one. He’s so handsome.

“Do you want to see something cool?” I say getting up, extending my arm to him.

He takes it, it makes my heart jump. “Where?”

“You’ll see.”

I lead Alex on a five-minute walk deeper into the forest. The road is unpathed so I trip over myself a couple of times. Luckily I have Alex to catch me when I do. “Where we going?”

After he says that, we walk through some tall grass and we arrive. I found this place last year when I was exploring around. It’s a small open field with a creek running through the middle. Part of it is wide enough to make a small pool. Around the creek is a garden of wildflowers. I don’t know enough about them to know which are which.

“Wow,” Alex says, walking up to the garden and touching a few.

“Pretty, right?”

“Yeah,” he says turning around.

This is it, this is my chance. I go up to him and kiss him. My heart is pounding and time feels like it slows down. I watch Alex closes his eyes and lean in to meet my lips.

Oh god.

It’s everything I wanted and more. Finally, finally, my facade came through and gave me the confidence to do this. He kisses me like it matters and like nothing else does. Besides the faint taste of whiskey, it’s like chocolate. Sara is going to crucify me once she learns I kissed her ex-girlfriend’s brother. Alex gets tense a bit, the goes loose.

I push him down to the ground, on top of the bed of flowers and kiss him even more. God, I want this so bad. I’ve done everything I could think of to make myself grow up just so I can have the confidence to do this.

I start to unbuckle his jeans without breaking away from my lips. Once his jeans are loose, I reach down and feel just how hard he is. This is it. This is it.

Alex tenses up and pushes me off. “Stop, stop.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s not right. You hooked up with Peter, I couldn’t do that to him.”

What the fuck?

“What?! No? We never fucked. He just said he did.”

Fuck. shit. The lie I let Peter tell finally caught up to me. Peter, the star of the football team. Captain, the most popular guy in school, best friend to Alex. There was a party when I was a junior where we got drunk and he led me upstairs to his room. I thought that was a good place to lose my virginity, the only thing, he couldn’t get it up. Peter was embarrassed and I told him it was okay and wouldn’t tell anybody. I let him lie about us, that he took my virginity, that it takes the best of the best to get with Grace Ciotta.

“Don’t lie,” Alex sighs getting up and buckling back his jeans. “Shit. He’s gonna be pissed.”

“Alex,” I fake a giggle, “Peter and I kissed once last year at his party, we never hooked up.

But that doesn’t matter to Alex. He believes his bro over me. It’s the stupid bro-code anyways. I just never thought Alex would be one to follow it. “I’m-I’m going back to the campsite. You coming?”

I look down at the crumpled flowers I’m sitting on and back at Alex. I shake my head. Alex leaves without saying anything else.

This shit always fucking happens.

It happened with Andrew when he took me to the rave. I wanted it back then too, but Andrew told me later that I was too young. It happened a year later when my friend Leo was mad he couldn’t get girls. I offered and he was into it for a while until he realized that he wanted to lose his virginity by his power. Then there was Cody. Fuck. I tried so hard with him. I thought when Emily moved away everything would be easier but Cody only saw me as a sister. I tried again with Killian, a guy who moved away, then Peter.

I was so fucking frustrated that I even asked Felix. He just laughed over Discord and told me he doesn’t fuck the girl he’s friends with. It’s even harder since he lives in Chicago now.

Now even Alex rejected me.

Am I that undesirable? Is my status of Queen just a fluke or a sick joke everyone is pulling? No. I tried to hard to get here. I lost my braces and got contacts. I went through late puberty and got Sara to teach me everything about make-up. I’m fucking hot, so why am I still a virgin?

How am I going to be ready for college, for everything after?

Fuck. I fucking hate myself.

-

I ran home crying my eyes out. Mom’s not home but Sara is. I run-up to her room and wrap myself around her, unable to control my tears.

“Whoa, did something happen at the campsite?” Sara rubs her hands on my back.

“Why are boys so stupid!”

Sara gets some distance between us and looks me in the eyes? “What happened?!”

“It’s that stupid bro-code they have. Y’know? Alex didn’t want to be with me because he thinks I was with Peter first.”

Sara tries to hide her laugh but fails. I can’t admit that it’s funny how I said it. “Oh, that. Grace, what did you want to happen?”

“To get with Alex. I finally got to courage to make my mood and he rejected me because of that stupid bullshit code. They’re so stupid! Stupid!”

Sara’s warm smile calms me down a bit. It’s nice having her back for the summer. I missed her. “Don’t you think you’re rushing things?” She says getting a napkin to wipe away my tears. She wipes away my mascara with it too.

“I’m 18, Sara.”

“It’ll happen when it happens, Gracie. Don’t force it.”

“Yeah,” I snort. “With the number of times I’ve tried, it’s some sick cosmic joke.”

“Or maybe it’s just not time,” Sara giggles.

“Guys are jerks.”

“Mhmm,” Sara hugs me again. It stops my tears completely. “Try being gay, you’ll find out girls are too.”

“Maybe during college,” I laugh.

“That’s better,” Sara smiles shines through. “Just don’t go through that goth-punk phase I went through.”

It’s been years since Sara dressed like that. It’s how I met her, but now she lets her naturally brown hair run free. Today it’s pulled back into a ponytail with her a few of her bangs lose. Even when she’s not trying, she’s still prettier than me. I’m jealous. “I liked that look.”

“Until it was not,” Sara laughs. “Do you feel better?”

I nod and wipe my eyes again with the napkin Sara gave me. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I’m just frustrated you know?

Sara nods and rubs my back. “I’m always here for you, Lil’ sis.”

Sister. I always wanted a sister. Sara is as close as I’ll ever get but I wouldn’t trade her for any other. I’m still baffled on how things turned out. Moving into this town I never imagined I would be moving out with one. It’s just one of those blessings I’ll always be thankful for.

“Thanks, I’ll always appreciate it.”

Sara gets up from the bed and walks over to her desk. “Look what I got,” she says holding up a folded up paper.

She hands it to me and when I open it up I immediately recognize it’s Andrew’s. “When did you get this?”

“Today, after I got home.”

I read over the letter once more. He’s coming home, the bastard is finally coming home after he disappeared on us two years ago. Andrew lived with us for about a year until he fessed up about what he did to me the night of the rave. Mom was so pissed she kicked him out. She didn’t mean forever, but Andrew was planning on leaving anyway so he took his chance. It wasn’t until last year where we learned where he went, New York. He goes to school there, apparently got some sort scholarship too that Mom helped out with. Mom knew where Andrew was the entire time, but never told us. She said it was what he wanted, whatever that meant.

But now he’s back and he’s bringing his mysterious girlfriend. Girlfriend, yeah right, like there’s a girl who can keep Andrew on a leash.

“The bastard doesn’t say when, though.”

Sara giggles, snatching the paper away. “I’m glad he’s doing well. I can finally fuck his shit up for leaving me alone when I needed him the most, the dick.”

I laugh, wiping away the rest of the moisture of my face. “You better give him a good one.”

Sara’s eyes flare-up, “Oh, I will.”

“Maybe he’s already here,” I say, remembering earlier at the diner when Cody decided to join us. He sat down next to Liz and looked over the entrance and I saw a body move away. When I asked who that was, Cody just shrugged it off. Maybe he was talking to Andrew.

Sara sighs and jumps on top of her bed. His arm accidentally hits mine, “Then he’s a bastard for not showing up.” Sara pulls out her phone and starts to browse whatever. I do the same. This is what we do when we have nothing else to do. All of a sudden, my problems don’t seem so bad anymore. It’s Sara’s superpower, she can do that.

Still, Liz is texting all about what happened this afternoon. Ren is trying to start a rumor about how I jumped on Alex but no one believes her. Even Alex is denying we did anything. Fuck, I’m am going to go to college a virgin. I want a line.

I text Alex about what happened tonight. I want him to know that I’m still a virgin. Damn, I sound so desperate. I promised myself I would never be like this. I hate being weak. The mask I wear allows me to hold power but now it’s cracking. I’m cracking by my pressure. How can I face the world where there are so many things I haven’t done.

I look over at Sara. She looks over at me and smiles. I wonder how she does it. She’s been through hell and back and she still stands with a smile that never wavers. Sara is my hero. She’s the strongest person I know.

I miss the old crew when I was just a kid. When we hung out at Emily’s, that was the most fun time I’ve ever had. I miss Emily, I wish she didn’t cut out everything from Darkwood from her life. But who can blame her? Bad things only happen to her here.

I miss Andrew. He calmed down after he started living with us. He was a good shoulder to rely on even though he would never admit to like it. There has been a weird silence ever since he left.

I miss Chris. I know he’s been back but he never leaves his room. I could listen to him talk for hours, everything he said was so fascinating. He had a funny way of living life.

I miss Cody. He lives in Seattle now so he’s not around as much as I would like. He signed a record deal with some big company and does rap shows around the country sometimes. Cody was my first crush, now I have learned to live with it. Besides Liz, I consider Cody my best friend. He always has some sort of advice for me.

I miss Elizabeth. I took her place. A lot of people tell me I look like her. A lot of people tell me I’m just like her, minus the bitchesness. Sometimes it feels like she watches over me because she feels bad she killed herself two feet away from me. I wish I could have known her.

But I know, I know. The dead don’t speak.

They’re too busy screaming.