《The Devil is a Stoner》Chapter 19: Class of Nightmares, Part 2
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"Isn't this supposed to be a school? Feels more like a fucking park to me."
Cole, Rogg and Fellia were all lost. They aimlessly wandered around school grounds, hitting the bong multiple times along the way. They had yet to find even the academy building, let alone the correct classroom.
Both Rogg and Fellia were essentially gone, as their undeveloped tolerances couldn't handle multiple bong rips in quick succession. On the other hand, Cole was still sober enough to reason with, even if just barely.
Sigh... Well, at the very least, I don't have to be paranoid about getting caught stoned on campus... We do have a permit, after all.
"Yo, Cole! Look at these flowers. They're so pretty!"
Rogg was oblivious of the situation and admired the scenery instead. Frankly, he was in no condition for class — being so high, it wouldn't be surprising if he burst out laughing in the middle of the lesson.
"Rogg, we don't have time for this shit! Class started 5 minutes ago!"
Cole was about to lose it and yelled out anxiously. Getting lost inside a park with his utterly roasted friends wasn't exactly what he expected to start the semester with. However, he was also moderately baked and craved for a quick break.
"These flowers kinda are nice, though..."
His mood quickly improved as he observed the colourful flowers on the side of the path. Having spent most of his life inside, he couldn't recognize a single one of them. Though, the gardeners sure knew what they were doing, as the various colourful flowers blended together perfectly. Who knew something as simple as watching flowers could be this relaxing.
His observations were short-lived, though, when Fellia started pulling his arm. She had the face of a lost child trying to find their parents. Well, if the child was also high as shit, that is.
"Cole, please! Can I get one more?"
Cole was startled by her out of character behaviour but wasn't moved by the cute act, as Fellia is way too tall for it to be effective. She's the last person he expected to start begging for snacks, considering she rarely even asked for basic necessities. By 'one more', she was referring to the bag of beef jerky.
"I only have five left! I told you they're for an emergency only..."
Cole was about to refuse but stopped mid-sentence. Fellia's behaviour was so absurd that he thought it was an act, but that didn't seem to be the case. She had actually just gone way over her limits, and the munchies got the best of her. Being high without food or drinks is a recipe for disaster, and Cole knew that, having experienced it just a few weeks ago. There was no way he could turn her down now.
"...Okay fine, take one. But this is the last one you're getting!"
"Thank you!"
Rogg was still lost in his own world while Fellia savoured the piece of beef jerky as if her life depended on it. That's when Cole remembered something important.
"Oh shit! I almost forgot! We gotta get to fucking class!"
It's currently 10:08 am, and class had already started 8 minutes ago. Cole yelled out to Rogg and Fellia but got no response. The two were now fully out of it.
Cole was starting to regret feeding so much cannabis into their mouth on the first day of school. He didn't expect them to get so baked in so little time, as he hadn't accounted for one thing. Tolerance. Neither Rogg nor Fellia had smoked in almost a week after getting arrested. Their week-long tolerance break combined with hitting the bong — a vastly more efficient method than the apple pipe, resulted in both of them nearly greening out.
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Cole felt like a babysitter looking after toddlers. He would have to find the classroom all by himself using his terrible navigation skills. This would be a difficult task even while fully sober, and being stoned wasn't helping. Nevertheless, he had no choice but to keep going.
"Guys! Let's start walking! We'll find the place eventually. Maybe..."
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE!"
After a good 10 minutes of running in circles, Cole was losing hope. There was no way he would ever find the classroom on his own while making sure the two hungry fiends didn't disappear along the way.
"Water! I need water!"
Cole sighed as he looked at Rogg, who's been complaining about his dry mouth for a while now.
"Maybe they'll give us water in the cafeteria if we beg for long enough. But... Where even is the fucking place?"
"Water!"
Rogg's eyes were oddly fixated on the bong. He slowly crept closer and closer until his face was uncomfortably close.
"What?"
Cole just stood still with the bong in hand — feeling confused, before realizing what Rogg was up to.
"Eww! That's disgusting! It's fucking bong water! There's no way you're drinking that! Look how filthy that is!"
Cole quickly snatched the bong far away from Rogg. Maybe some psychopath would want to see if Rogg is crazy enough to drink the filthy bong water, but Cole wasn't one of them.
"But... Water!"
"Go find a pond or something! You'll probably die of food poisoning if you drink this shit!"
The bong water sure was filthy, as it hadn't been changed even once. At least, the bong hasn't been used often enough for much resin to start building up, but still, the water was by no means clean. There was no telling when Rogg would secretly drink it anyway, so Cole had to come up with something. Thankfully, he still had one trick up his sleeve.
"Sigh... Rogg, there's no water, but I might know of a method to fix your thirst. Though, it's going to be risky."
"Really? What is it?"
"I don't know if you can handle it..." Cole contemplated for a moment but decided to go on. "I learned this trick from an old friend of mine. He told me: 'Cole, every time you get hungry, just take another hit, and it'll go away!'. That friend was kind of fucked, though."
"Really? Will that really work?"
"Well... Let's find out!"
"Okay, I'll try it!"
This "trick" gave Rogg some hope, and he spoke excitedly. Cole loaded the bong and handed it over. He was reluctant to let Rogg smoke even more but the damage was already done. Moreover, he was curious about whether smoking more would actually fix a dry mouth, and Rogg was the perfect guinea pig for the experiment.
And so, Rogg ripped the bong for the umpteenth time, probably getting closer to double digits. Whether his thirst was satisfied will remain a mystery, as the bong rendered him incomprehensible almost immediately afterwards.
Fellia was still hungry and also showed interest in the method. One piece of beef jerky will only get you so far, after all. She ended up hitting the bong after Rogg as well.
Cole had brought over 10 grams with him just in case, and good thing he did. Or bad thing, considering how high they were. The 10 grams had all but disappeared in under an hour, with only a small nug remaining.
At this point, he realized they weren't going to find the classroom no matter how hard he tried — or if they could even sit through a lesson at all. Class had already started over 15 minutes ago and walking around would just raise that number. Still, Cole wasn't planning on skipping class even though he really wanted to. The first thing you need to skip class is an excuse — preferably a good one. Greening out before class, however, isn't exactly the best one out there.
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I didn't want to do this, but I guess there's no choice. I'll have to contact Abigor...
Cole brought up a scroll he had received from Abigor. Apparently, it was a summoning scroll meant for emergencies. Getting lost isn't really an emergency, which is why Cole was hesitant to use the scroll. However, there was no other choice.
Cole opened the scroll, trying to figure out how it works. The whole thing was filled with incomprehensible text that even his trusty translation glasses failed to comprehend. Maybe it wasn't even text, but a pattern instead. Either way, Cole couldn't figure out how to activate it. He assumed just opening it would be enough to cast the damn thing during an urgent situation, but that didn't seem to be the case. Thankfully, he hadn't saved it for danger, as he would have most likely died while trying to cast it.
Deciphering the text proved to be futile, especially with the clock ticking down every second. While Cole was inspecting every corner of the scroll in search of clues, Rogg somehow awoke from his slumber.
"Wow...! Is that a scroll? Where did you get that This is my first time seeing one!"
Apparently, just seeing a scroll was enough to bring Rogg back to his senses. His speech was still unreasonably slow but understandable nonetheless. Being able to speak in his condition is a miracle in itself — even if he did drawl like a sloth.
"A piece of shit — that's what this is. I don't know how it works though..."
"Let me see! I've always wanted to use a scroll before!"
Cole was hesitant to hand over the scroll to the stoned Rogg. In his state, who knows what methods he could use to ruin the thing. Rogg did sound like he knew more about scrolls, though, so Cole decided to give him a chance.
It was unclear whether Rogg made sense of the thing or if he just spaced out as he stared at it intensely. From the look on his face, the latter seemed far more likely. But surprisingly, after quietly eyeing it down for a good 15 seconds, he came to a conclusion.
"Hmm... I don't know... I've never seen a scroll like this one before. Not even in books..."
"Yeah! That's what I thought as well! How am I supposed to understand this nonsense! It's like someone drew a maze on a paper and called it..."
Cole was about to start rambling about all the unfair things happening to him but was interrupted when the scroll suddenly activated. The seemingly meaningless scribbles shone brightly, and the scroll evaporated. It seemed like somehow Rogg managed to activate it but nothing happened as it did. The scroll just disappeared into nothingness, leaving Cole and Rogg baffled.
"What did you do? Where did the stupid scroll go?"
"Sorry! I... kind of wanted to try casting it... I was just curious, I'm sorry!"
Rogg began apologizing like crazy after casting the scroll. This made Cole even more confused.
"Why are you apologizing!? How did you do it?"
"What? Are you not mad? I just wasted your scroll for nothing!"
"Why would I be mad? Using it was the whole point anyway! Just tell me, how did you activate it? Why did nothing happen?"
"Oh..."
Rogg was visibly relieved and once again dumbfounded at Cole's lack of common knowledge. After a short pause, he calmed down and started explaining.
"You really don't know anything, huh? Scrolls just have to be flooded with mana. No skill needed! Even shitty magicians like me can cast cool things using a scroll! I don't know why... Nothing cool happened? Was it broken?"
Unsurprisingly, Rogg's explanation was lackluster but surprisingly coherent considering how high he is. Apparently, scrolls are so simple that even a countryside innkeeper like Rogg knew how they worked. Magic is still quite new for Cole, so the thought of flooding a piece of paper with mana never came to him.
Also, the scroll must have been faulty. How could it not be when casting it did nothing? Now that contacting Abigor didn't work, Cole's chance of finding the classroom sank to zero.
You'd expect him to panic, as he was now out of clues, but he was surprisingly happy with the results. The person who had sent him to school was none other than Abigor, which means Cole just received a perfect excuse to skip class! The only one to complain about his absence would be Abigor, so an excuse like: "Well... I tried asking for directions, but your scroll didn't work! It's your fault, not mine!" would work perfectly.
Cole chucked under his breath at the brilliant idea. He planned on going back home to celebrate by smoking weed, as always. Your body has to be rewarded for a day of hard work, after all. However, his hopes were short-lived, as a purple ray of light descended next to Rogg along with a long-horned demon in black attire. It was Abigor, who had used teleport magic.
"I apologize for the delay!"
Abigor quickly scanned the surroundings, ready for combat. His expression dropped — filling with visible confusion as he confirmed the threats. Or more precisely, the lack of threats. Getting summoned inside the Magic Academy was apparently not what he expected, as he turned towards Rogg sceptically.
"You, what's the reason for calling me?"
Rogg nearly had a heart attack when he realized who the person in front of him was. Not knowing how to react properly, he immediately kneeled down on the ground while begging for his life.
"Ah! I'm sorry! I didn't-"
"Calm the fuck down guys! I'm the one who called you, not Rogg."
Cole was clearly irritated while he saved Rogg from Abigor's menacing gaze. His mood was immediately ruined by the sudden appearance, as his brilliant excuse for skipping class was destroyed. At least, finding the correct classroom should be feasible now.
"Forgive me, Your M... Cole!"
Abigor quickly corrected himself after nearly letting Cole's identity slip out. Luckily, Rogg and Fellia were the only ones around — both of them too baked to understand. In fact, Rogg seemed to have passed out on the ground once again, and Fellia was about to follow him.
"May I ask, why did you summon me inside the Magic Academy? Are you not supposed to be in class right now?"
As always, Abigor spoke like a demanding servant. Cole was quite fond of the obedient behaviour, as it meant he could manipulate Abigor as needed. However, Abigor clearly held high expectations of him, so the trick had to be used scarcely. Though, this time he just needed to ask for advice.
"Well, that's the thing. We can't find the classroom at all! I don't even know which one we're looking for."
"What? You called me just for that? You could have just used telepathy..."
Abigor looked quite disappointed after wasting his time on just a simple question. Not to mention, the expensive scroll. Nonetheless, he managed to keep calm despite Cole's stupidity.
"Telepathy? Something like that exist? Well, I can't use it anyway, so... But, how can we find the damn classroom?"
"...If I recall correctly, you should have received a schedule during the opening ceremony. You can open it using magic. I believe it was by channelling mana to your hand and shouting 'schedule' — or simply, just memorizing the spell structure. The schedule is fully personalized, and no one other than you can see it once activated."
"Umm, so... like this?"
Cole barely understood half of the explanation with his lacking knowledge but caught the important part nonetheless. This "Schedule" spell worked just like the magic lighter — just much easier, as it didn't need precise control. Channelling mana onto his fingertip has become almost second nature for Cole after practicing it for countless hours. He could even stabilize the lighter at a specific temperature — thunderstorms being his only weakness. Though at this pace, it wouldn't take long until he mastered a stormproof lighter as well.
"Schedule!"
"Oh wow!" Cole shouted in surprise, as a see-through piece of paper appeared in front of him. The whole page was filled with a long list of subjects and teachers. It didn't have a timetable like modern schedules but a giant wall of text instead. This is what it read:
Monday:
10:00: Introductions, Room: 313A, Instructor: Professor Curtis
12:00: Lunch break, Room: Cafeteria 1
12:30: Magic theory, Room: 313A, Instructor: Professor Curtis
Tuesday:
8:00: Magic theory, Room: 313A, Instructor: Professor Curtis
...
This continued for multiple pages — seemingly without an end. Quite a primitive method compared to actual timetables, but it'll have to do. Apparently, Cole's first lesson is in room 313A. Though, that didn't help much when he didn't even know where the academy building itself is. The principal must have assumed students are smart enough to find it on their own, as there weren't any directions for people like Cole.
Thankfully, the schedule didn't include any math classes, at least yet. Cole was reminded that this isn't just your typical college but instead a magic school. Unfamiliar subjects filled the long list, with lunch break being the only recognizable one. Cole quickly probed through the schedule and came to terms with it — until he noticed one crucial detail.
What? We have school seven fucking days a week?! Is this a joke?
Yes, the schedule included lessons for both Saturday and Sunday, totalling over 50 hours of class each week. There's no way anyone could keep their sanity with this work schedule, even without mentioning homework.
"Awesome, isn't it! I made sure that Hadeem assigns you with the best professors the academy has to offer! That old guy must have-"
Abigor's boast got cut short the second he saw Cole's expression — eyes devoid of light, filled with existential dread.
"Yes, awesome! Hahaha! These classes... They're optional, right?"
After desperate fake laughter, Cole pointed at Sunday's schedule. Though, no one else saw a thing, as the spell is only visible to the caster.
"...Is everything alright?"
Confused, Abigor expressed concern for Cole's well being.
"Oh, yes! I'm perfectly okay! No problems whatsoever! But anyway, where's the academy?"
"The academy? It's that way...?"
Abigor had no idea what Cole saw in the schedule, but it must have been pretty bad, considering the reaction. Nevertheless, he pointed towards the academy building.
"Alright. Guys let's go..."
"Did you fucking pass out?" Cole shook Rogg, trying to wake him up. "Hello? Is anyone there? Wake up, idiot!"
"Huh...? Oh, Cole...?"
Both high and sleepy — Rogg was barely conscious. Now his speech was even sloppier than before.
"Sigh... How did you even get this high? We gotta get to class! You as well, Fellia!"
Cole held out his hand to help Rogg get up. Fellia could still stand on her own feet, though just barely. Neither one of them was in any condition for class. Actually, it would be a miracle if they didn't fall asleep during the lesson. Still, Cole wasn't about to skip class when Abigor was right next to him. God knows what he would do after hearing Cole was absent.
"Well, thanks for the help! We better get going now."
After thanking Abigor, Cole hit the bong one last time before heading towards the academy — Rogg and Fellia slowly strolling after him.
As they went, Abigor was left to collect his thoughts.
So that's the next Demon King...
We might be doomed...
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