I ended up spending the entire night tossing and turning, every time I thought I would go to sleep I ended up having a nightmare that would wake me up. Nights like these tend to occur every other month, typically and I had an episode not 2 weeks ago. Why now of all times. Geez I guess my brain was too excited about today, I could not shut it off. The anxiety of wondering what will happen if I fail. Angel says, “Nothing is impossible.” So the outcome of me failing and being sent to the hold over camp is very likely!

I was never told the age you take the test but some of the other students heard rumors that a kid my age has never taken the finals before. The thought of that only fuels my anxiety even further. before long however, the sound of birds chirping interrupt my thought process as I pear over my shoulder and see light beaming through a crack in my windows curtains. Its time for me to go to class. Its time for me to take my final. Its time for me to fail. Its time for me be held over. Its time for me to fail to adapt. Its time for me to disappoint Angel. I slap my face, “No, I refuse! No negative thoughts. If I go in thinking I’m gonna to fail, then by gummit I’m gonna fail! I WILL PASS THIS TEST EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!”

I spend the morning doing my usual ritual of lounging on the bed until the last possible moment, rushing to get dressed, brushing my teeth and downing a quick breakfast sandwich as I leave through the door. I rush to class and take my seat. This is it, the beginning of the end. I sit down and class begins like usual. The teacher gives us a brief on how the test works and the answer sheets are passed out.

“A friendly reminder to those unaware. This exam will test your general academic knowledge, if you score a passing grade, you will be granted a seat with The Great Vanarch, and she will then determine whether you are fit for servitude.”

I swallow a gulp of spit and let out a sigh. It was time to do this. It was towards the end of the test where the night prior really caught up with me. Nearing the end of the test my eyelids felt like that had lead weights on them, but I pushed through! Honestly up until this point is the thought of what’s to come.

I turn my test in and wait until everyone’s tests get graded. They will begin to call in kids who have passed one by one into The Vanarch’s office to get interviewed. If you failed all remaining students in the class would sit through a brief of being a hold over. My anxiety shot through the roof as one by one, each member of my class went to go into Vanarch’s and did not return. As I bite at my nails like a rabbit bites on carrots I noticed. Everyone in the room had left until there was only me and one other. The other was a disheveled girl that seemed to be disinterested, lounging back and allowing her long, messy black hair to cover her face. I didn’t recognize her from any class and her outfit was different from the usual school uniform. Maybe she knew she had failed and didn’t care, I didn’t know if I had failed and I did care!

“Student CR-155, Please enter The Vanarch’s office she is ready to speak with you now.”

I unlatch my mouth from my now barren fingernails. I walk to The Vanarch’s office door where I am greeted by what I could only describe as an angelic aura. By darn if this office didn’t hit the nail on the whole ‘holier than thou’ feel. White marble pillars, walls and black and white checkered pattern floor tiling, all with gold lining coating the in-betweens. It was a beauty to behold, all accompanied by the soothing sound of running flowing in ring around the circular room structure.

“Welcome CR-155, or would you be more comfortable with the label you gave yourself, Criss.”

“I uhh… uh…”

I begin tripping all over my words when she notices my unease and gestures towards the red leather chair placed neatly in front of her desk. As I take my seat on the chair, I notice the clutter that lay on her desk. Folders stacked on one another, complex looking cups that hold various different pens, markers, and highlighters. It was obvious to see that she was a very busy woman.

“C-Criss is fine ma’am thank you…”

“Well then Criss.”

“…”

“Shall we begin?”

When she says Criss the hairs on my neck stand on end and my body becomes riddled with goosebumps. I take in a gulp and nod my head with a “yes ma’am” her intricate pure white dress that covers her head to toe, almost blends into the scenery. She asks me a series of questions and I answer them promptly as she stares at me with her fiery orange eyes through a series of gold ring like discs that appear to hover and circle around her head. Intricate designs engraved in each and everyone of them. She would ask simple things like, “If the lord was our one and true savior” and “Whether I had any doubts in his teaching?” Of course I had some questions, but I never once doubted him.

All was going well, my answers were met with smiles and positive comments. However, her soothing voice begins to take a toll on me. My exhaustion begins to rear its disgusting head at me again. In the end, everything I’ve done up until now, all the toilets I’ve wiped and all the piss that I have mopped has all lead up to this moment, and by golly was it worth it. My body wanted to relax for even just a moment. Her voice is so soothing and her face is calm and nice with that motherly smile that I… can’t… help… but… uhh…

“OUT!!!”

As if I am electrocuted, I am jolted awake by a voice shouting at me. My vision is met with a brief flash of white as the light pierces my vision. My heart races, as I try to piece together what is happening, but before I am able to even piece together what is happening I hear the voice again… HER VOICE!

“GET OUT RIGHT THIS INSTANT YOU UNWORTHY HERETIC!”

I am stunned and am at a total loss for words.

“GUARDS GET THIS THING OUT OF MY SIGHT NOW!”

I don’t understand. Is it because I fell asleep? It is isn’t it. Why couldn’t I have just gone to sleep. Why did have to toss and turn all night. Why did I have to disrespect such a noble person such as her by sleeping during a important interview!

“We will sort you out in the hold overs hall.”

The guards rush in and grab me by force, yanking me and pulling me towards the door. It hurts, I can feel all my weight being held up by my arms. I am struggling to keep up with their frantic pace that I am practically being dragged. The rest of the guards go to comfort Vanarch. I try and apologize and tell her that I am sorry. I want to explain to her the situation and tell her that I would never disrespect her like this. I want to tell her, but I can’t because I couldn’t stop thinking, “why?”

Why was she crying…