I discovered in Saishuu Riku that nothing I’d read had happened yet. The year was 469 AE, not the 473 AE of the manga. Perhaps it had to do with how I’d imagined squad eleven to be around my age, even though they were older in the manga. This only spurred me to train harder, in the hopes that I might one day get to work with them.

While one me learned the art of being a swordsman, the other obsessed over the manga. Every day I’d rush to the computer, hoping and hoping for a new chapter. For the hiatus to finally be over. And of course, it wouldn't be. Then I'd refresh the page ten times, fifty times, sometimes for several minutes straight. And there still wouldn't be a new chapter. After about a year of this, I began to calm down. By two years, I only checked each Wednesday. Yet every time I went to sleep, I wished for that one night, a lifespan of a dream, to only have one body and wake up in Heikisato. And every time I opened my eyes disappointed.

Four years later, at long last, the author announced the hiatus would end.

***

February 1. Fourteen and a half years old. Japan.

It was time.

I opened the web browser, missing the icon the first three tries with a trembling finger. My head felt light like I was floating up in the clouds. After years of waiting and waiting, the announcement had seemed unreal. A practical joke.

The page began to load, and the circle spun.

What would squad eleven’s new mission be? How’s everyone doing?

The circle spun.

My legs tapped in a frenzy, and I held in my breath. Any time now.

The circle spun.

It was taking a long time to load today. The Internet must be slow.

The circle stopped.

The page was blank save for one picture and a message-- Unable to connect to the internet.

I stared at the words. For a long while, I couldn't understand them. They were no more than a string of letters. No, surely not. Not at a time like this. It was fine yesterday.

The screen in front of me seemed to vanish as a certain kind of warmth rushed over me. It was not the kind that made me feel all fuzzy inside. No, it made me feel as though my head would burst.

‘Mum!’

‘What is it?’ she called out from the hall.

‘The internet's not connected!’

‘I know.’

What did she mean she knew? Pushing away a vague but horrible idea of what she might have done, I marched to the living room. The hardwood floor seemed to bob up and down in sync with my heart. My mum was on the sofa, her back turned to me while typing away on her laptop.

‘Can we fix it?’

The click-clacking of the keys stopped, and she sighed. The idea I’d pushed back returned awfully clearer.

‘Tahro, I’ve blocked your devices from the wifi. It's only until March next year, you can do whatever you want after that. I really need you to focus on your studies.’

I knew it. But even so, I couldn't quite grasp it. Surely, surely not. Not after I’d waited so long. Not today.

‘You're not serious?’

She pushed a curl behind her ear and pursed her lips. ‘I'm very serious.’

The warmth from before morphed into something more, something white-hot and burning. A lid kept it trapped, but I didn't know for how long. ‘Can I just use it for today? I have some work to d--’

‘You can do that on my laptop. I'll need to supervise you, though, so you have to wait till tonight.’

The lid cracked, and some fumes escaped. She’d taken away hours of my life, making me study while other children played outside. She’d stopped me from visiting Yuuhei since I’d begun middle school. Even the bookshop trips I was allowed were shortened more and more every year. But she can’t take away Blade Fables. ‘The admission exam’s a year away. I'm already first place in three classes; maths, English and mu--’

My mum's eyes widened, anger flashing in them. But that only shattered my lid more.

‘You need to be at the top of all your classes,‘ she said. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? I used to study all day, but you can't be bothered!' she yelled, her eyes bulging. ‘If you want to be a robotics engineer, you need to get into a good high school. So start studying seriously from now on.’

The lid dissolved, and the smoke clouded my mind. My eyes stung, and fledgeling tears blurred my vision. It was never enough was it? Whatever I did, how much I improved.

But she will not take Blade Fables from me. I had a plan.

I stomped to my room, making sure my footfalls reflected my anger. The idea that struck me guided my eyes to my bed, where lay my phone, carelessly tossed after a long day at school. I snatched it, my fingers leaving sweaty trails as I called Yuuhei. He could narrate the whole chapter.

My hand shook as I held my phone to my ear. Yuuhei always had a way of calming me down, and I hoped he’d work his magic now. To be honest, as much as I wanted to know what happened in the new chapter, I also just wanted to hear his voice.

‘Hey, Tahro!’ Yuuhei shouted into my ear. ‘The chapter was amazing, wasn’t it? I can’t believe Ahio got kidnapped.’

What? I dropped onto my bed, jaw open. ‘Yuuhei, I haven’t read the chapter yet. My— My mum’s cut the internet. Ahio got kidnapped?’

‘Tahro…’ The other end of the line fizzled into silence for a moment. ‘Are you okay?’

I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. What happened to Ahio?’

‘Well, this man was hitting his donkey, and you know Ahio— he can never stay silent seeing something like that. But the guy threw some kind of powder at him. I don’t know what it is, but Ahio dropped to the floor, unconscious. Then the man threw him and the powder into his donkey cart. I wonder if that won’t increase his dose and put him into a coma or something. But then again, it was in a pouch. I don’t know.’ Yuuhei stopped to breathe. ‘Tahro, are you sure you’re alright? You can talk to me, you know?

’Thanks, Yuuhei, but I’m okay.’ Am I though? First, my mum decided to control my life even more, and now Ahio was kidnapped. I clutched my bedsheets, anxiety roiling in my stomach. Not to mention, right now the year in Heikisato is 473 AE, just like in the manga. So Ahio might be kidnapped any day now, maybe he already was. ‘Do you know when he was kidnapped—the date? Where did this happen—‘

Long fingernails bit into my hand, snatching my phone away. My mum towered over me, glowering. She cut the call. ‘What do you think you’re doing? I didn’t cut the internet so you can waste your time talking to Yuuhei all day. I’m going to take your phone too, and if you want to use it, I’ll supervise you and make sure there isn't any unnecessary chat, like that manga you two are always going on about. I don't think that should be too hard, though. You meet him every day.’

Yes, I would meet Yuuhei tomorrow. But what if Ahio needed me now?

My throat dried out and constricted. Every part of me shook to scream out. To tell her how Ahio was kidnapped, and I needed to ask Yuuhei more information. To tell her how very far Blade Fables was from ‘unnecessary chat’. How tomorrow might be much too late. All I wanted to do was burst out the truth.

But what else would she think than that I was a whiny, perhaps delusional child who wanted out of studying?

She left my room, taking my only chance to possibly save Ahio with her. Hot tears fell on my cheeks.

I tugged a bunch of tissues from the bedside table and blew my nose. She was always on my case-- “Why aren't you the best in everything? Why is this kid better than you in this subject?” Never the perfect child. Never the perfect son she wanted. I blew my nose again, and the tissues became soaked, wetness getting on my palms. I threw them at the bin, but they bounced off the rim. It wasn't like I had any other problems. Just because I was a kid, the only thing I should be worried about were exams, exams, and then, exams. And there my worth ended.

I grabbed some fresh tissues and gave a trumpeting blow.

Anyway, there was no certainty that something bad will happen to Ahio. He was one of the main characters. Main characters didn't often die.

But what if he does?

I should’ve listened. She’d been threatening me about this for a few months, but I'd never thought she'd carry through. My eyes stung again, and a fresh bout of tears joined the old. Something might happen to Ahio, and now I might be too late to stop it. If only I'd listened. If only I'd, I didn't know how but somehow, topped all my classes. The tissues were now too soggy to take anymore, but I didn't care.

If something happens to Ahio, it will be all my fault.

Blackness sprang on me, filling my sight like a self-completing puzzle. It crushed me. For a moment, I was nothing, there was nothing. What breath I had, left. Then, as soon as it came, it disappeared. I could feel my limbs again but could not move them. My breath came back but softly, so softly. Everything, my arms, my legs, even my eyes were so heavy. All I wanted to do was fall.

Fall into a dream.