“Was there ever a time you loved me?” I asked my parents after they had gotten done fighting with each other. They decided to rough me up a bit, in places that no one would be able to see.

I was just so sick and tired of everything. Tears running down my twelve-year old cheeks I wondering what I had done wrong. Did I ruin their lives by being born?

“Stop being stupid. I think you have homework that you should be doing. Go!”

I cry a little bit harder as I run up the stairs to my room, pulling the door open, slipping in, and closing it again. I crawl into my closet, like I often do, and pull everything closed.

I pull off my shirt and pants and make sure that I wasn’t cut too deeply. There were swatches of purple and blue down my sides. They had only started hitting me recently, after Mom lost her job. It put a lot of pressure on Dad and they both took it out on me.

They really only hit me when they were drinking, and lately that had been nearly every night. Somehow, I had managed to not have any broken bones or sprains, as that would keep me from dancing.

I pull out the medicine kit and clean myself up. I set that down and dig under the blankets as I pull out a knife.

Darkness

I’m holding a knife and making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for everyone for the field trip today. I was really excited because it was my first field trip at this school, and I really wanted everyone to like me. What better way then with PB and J.

I pack them up neatly and do my best to write everyone’s names on their brown paper bags. “Do you think that everyone is going to like their lunches?” I ask.

Mom walks up behind me and gives me a big hug. “I think that everyone is going to love them Auri.” She gives me hair a tussle. “if you are finished with them then let’s put them in the cardboard box and bring them to the car.”

“Yes Momma!” Mom was going to come on the field trip with me today and I was pretty excited about it. She was in a really good mood and was really pretty so everyone was going to like her.

“Look, she brought her mom with her.” Said some of the kids when we showed up to head to the field trip site.

“Yeah, what is she, a baby? I mean, look at how tiny she is anyways. Tiny baby Aurora.”

The other kids laughed at me because the girl that said it was a popular mean girl. They knew that if they didn’t laugh along, they would be bullied next.

I looked up at Mom to see if she was going to defend me, and I see her lips going white as she pinched them together. Either she was mad at the kids but wanted us to settle things between ourselves or she was going to be upset with me later for not having made friends. I dreaded finding out which.

Darkness

“Why don’t you have any friends? Why is it that no one ever wants to spend any time with you? Other parents get a break when their kids go over to play at one another’s houses. Do I get that? No! No I don’t, and it’s all because you are too stupid to make friends.”

Mom stares at me, trying to catch my eyes. I hate making eye contact with her. Looking at her like this makes me think that she is crazy, that she has to be crazy. Why else would someone yell at their child? Would I go crazy like that too?

“How old do you think I am Mom? Go over to each other’s houses? What, do you think I can still go to play dates? Look at me?! I will be going off to college soon!”

“Soon? Soon?! When is soon Aurora? When do I finally get rid of you, because I will start packing the boxes right now!”

“Just sign the fucking papers and I can leave, I can go on my own, and you can be rid of me!”

“That would make me the laughing-stock of my group. No, I will not sign those papers. We still own you until you go to college. And until you do, you are a child, and children have friends, and friends go play at each other’s houses.”

“It’s your fault I don’t have them.” I turn to walk away but she grabs my hair and spins me around to look at her, then slaps me, hard across the face. I gape at her. On my face?

“Hide it with make-up.” She says and lets go. I run away from her, and out the door and into the night.

Darkness.

Darkness so cold. I breathe out to see if I can see my breath, but I see nothing. Is there nothing? Am I nothing? Am I the darkness? The cold?

The darkness lessens a bit, clearing away and I am left looking into a mirror. At first I can’t see what is wrong, it looks like me. Colored hair, height, smile… Wait, smile?

I touch my face. That isn’t right, I’m not smiling. The smile grows wider, and the mouth opens to show a mouth full of jagged teeth. I stare at that mouth, and the teeth go back to normal, and the smile is gone. What was that? Where am I? It’s cold. It’s so cold.

I drop to the ground in front of the mirror and pull my knees up to my chest. Once I do it feels as though the ground gives out beneath me and I fall.

As I fall I see ice around me, ice that looks like knives. I have to curl into myself more and more to keep from being cut. I almost manage to but end up with cuts down my arms and my back.

They hurt, it hurts. Why is it always so cold? Why does it always hurt?

I stop falling and slam into the ground and feel like my entire body shatters, some parts jagged, others dust. There is a mirror here to.

Here too? Did I ever leave? Didn’t I fall? I look into the mirror and see that I am still whole, although there is blood from the cuts. I hear it drip to the floor. Drip, drop. Drip, drop. Plink, plink, splash, splash, SPLASH!

The mirror fills with blood and then bursts open, and I feel like I will drown in it. I stay small and try to let it all flow around me, trying to hold fast and stay strong.

Cold. Stay cold. I feel the blood draining away and then it sounds like something is saying, “Hmm” as if considering me. I feel scared like I have never felt before.

Darkness.

I’m happily playing in water and laughing a lot. I had my family and siblings around me, and it was a really fun day at the lake. I felt water pulling me a bit deeper in but wasn’t worried because Mommy and Daddy were keeping an eye on me and won’t let anything bad happen to me.

“Mom! Dad! Look at this crab we found!” I heard, then my head got sucked under the waves.