“Finished!” cried Jake. It had only taken him a couple of hours, which was quite good for a job application form. He was quite proud of his accomplishments too, there was no way he was getting the job.

“Excellent,” said Green_Turtle_Boy_369 who had hung around to show Jake his new surroundings, and flirt heavily with Leina, the receptionist Jake had already met.

“Let’s have a look then.”

Jake handed it over, a smirk on his face.

“Ha!” laughed Green_Turtle_Boy_369. He nodded, “I like that.. Listen to this!” he called. Jake’s future colleagues gathered around his desk.

“Do you like having sexual relations with your co-workers?” Green_Turtle_Boy_369 began. “Jake’s answered, ‘Yes I do, but only if they clearly don’t. It’s far more fun that way, and to be honest I much prefer girls when they’re crying.”

“Oh Jakey,” cried Leina putting her arm around him. “I hate office relationships! You must never, ever, try it on with me…”

Jake squirmed under her heavy and slimy touch.

“What do you prefer to wear to work? I don’t prefer to wear anything, but you’ll probably all need to wear a stab vest, or a bikini. That’s brilliant!”

Jake felt his heart sinking into his shoes. This really wasn’t having the effect he had hoped. Green_Turtle_Boy_369 carried on scanning Jake’s application form.

“This is the best one! To, ‘ on a scale of 1 – 10, how traitorous are you?’ Jake has answered, ‘Eleven. I am a complete and utter scumbag and I have always been a scumbag. I have only ever had one job before, and I got fired on the first day for setting fire to their clothes store.” This was clearly untrue, Jake didn’t do going out in public, shunning society still trumped destroying society. “My most recent example of traitorship was in beginning in inter-galactic war between the Outer Galaxies and Crawk. I did this, despite my home galaxy having worked to stay safe for thousands of years, but I ran a computer program to allow the notoriously evil race of the Crawklings to invade. I did this just for a laugh, and to be honest, if I became the Crawk-King, Leader of War, I would take great delight in telling the Outer Galaxies all of Crawk’s secrets as that would be funny too.”

Jake looked around, everyone was smiling and Leina was licking her lips seductively at him.

“Congratulations Jake, you’ve definitely got the job! I really didn’t think you had the Crawling spirit in you, but you clearly have. Leina – Jake’s last answer looks like a brilliant press release to me, can you send it out? Jake, follow me and I’ll introduce you to the chaos.”

Everyone cheered before the crowd dispersed. Jake, the war hero, was clearly still very popular. Leina returned to her desk with Jake’s form. Jake put his head in his hands.