Now I understand why people are so terrified about the prospect of me killing myself.

I now understand having your parents look frustrated and upset, asking what's wrong and having them sit you down on the couch.

I now understand anxiously wondering what they were going to say, anxiety clawing up my chest, having thousands of scenarios running through my head as to why I was sitting there.

I now understand having been told the news, that someone I knew, someone I've known for years now has committed suicide, has decided that life wasn't worth it.

I now understand the tears that stream down your face as you try and figure out what happened, how it got so far so fast, if there would've been anything you could do to help.

I now understand the terror and feelings of depression that come from someone committing suicide. That they are never going to come back.

I now understand what a suicide can do to a family, how it can break them slowly and cause it's members to wonder if it was their fault.

I now understand walking around the halls in a shell, people asking if you're okay and responding with "I'm just tired".

I now understand staring blankly at a wall, trying to comprehend that they're gone. That someone who was part of your life is gone, and they're never going to come back.

I now understand that I can never commit suicide. I can never be so selfish as to cause my family so much pain. Now I just have to remind myself that when depression strikes home.