Consultation 28.

“God, how do I get pregnant with a food baby?”

“Kohoh. Kohoh.”

“Are you okay, God?”

“Sorry, it seems I got a bit sick thanks to a certain someone.”

“You’re sick? Should you really be doing consultations like this?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got a mask on and there’s a transparent divider between us, you should be fine for the most part.”

“Okay…”

“Now, as for your question… a food baby, was it?”

“Yes.”

What the hell is with these weirdos?

Well, here goes nothing I guess.

“If you really want a food baby, you’ll need to adjust your diet to make your dreams come true. In the morning, you will eat as many eggs as possible. For lunch, you will need to stuff yourself with brussels sprouts. Then for dinner, you will eat all the burritos you can fit in that stomach of yours. From there, you must do your best to not use the washroom for at least a few days. You may not pass any gas either.”

“Is there anything else?”

“Are you lactose intolerant by any chance?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Great, for your drinks you will drink milk then coke right after. Just drink in moderation, not too much, or else you’ll throw it all up and have to start over from the beginning.”

“Okay.”

“When you’ve reached your absolute limit and can’t hold yourself back anymore, you can finally give birth to the most magnificent food baby the world has ever seen.”

“That’s all I need to do?”

“Yes, that is all.”

“By the way, just how big of a food baby are we talking here?”

I interlocked my fingers together with a dead-serious expression on my face as I rested my elbows on top of my desk and said, “Let’s just say… an entire city may mistakenly evacuate to a bomb shelter thinking a nuclear war has suddenly broken out. It will have the power to shake the heavens and shatter the earth. You may very well rip through the fabric of space and time when your food baby descends upon the world and blesses the human race. The formula for this food baby is a forbidden recipe passed down from ancient times in my family.”

“Oh? It has such deep roots?”

“Yes, very deep. The ways of birthing a food baby has been studied in secret and refined as it was passed down from one generation to the next; from grandfather to father, from father to son, from son to their child and their children’s children and so on.” Of course, that was naturally bullshit I made up on the spot. It was just some random video I saw on GodTube that listed off a few things that would lead people to rip some really rancid ones. I figured if they were all combined into one, the outcome would be something never seen before in this world.

Perhaps even Gods would tremble in fear when confronted by a food baby born from this profound combination of divine ingredients I threw together in five seconds. I would surely be awarded the highest title in alchemy if I took the God-rank Alchemist exam. I was too humble to do something like that though. I was content with passing down my great wisdom of food babies without ever being acknowledged for it.

After all, if I was acknowledged for it, there would be countless gods out to reap my head if they knew I was the one that brought this godforsaken abomination into existence.

“Thank you God. I will be sure to give birth to a food baby that won’t disappoint your family heritage. Even if it costs me my life, as long as I can give birth to this child, I can die content.”

“Good.”

She took her leave as I smiled to myself content over having done my good deed for the day.