Consultation 33.

“God, how do I have sex with the universe?”

“Have you heard of the Higgs boson?”

“Higgs, what?”

“What you humans have given the name, God particle.”

“Never heard of it. What does it have to do with my question?”

“Everything. If you really want to have sex with the entire universe you will need to do something that is thought to impossible at the moment. You need to build a particle collider larger than the Earth itself. You will need to generate a collision with enough power to give the universe a cataclysmic orgasm of epic proportions. This collision will need to be on the order of 100 billion gigaelectronvolts to accomplish this grand feat.”

“Once a collision of this level occurs, the Higgs potential will become metastable. In case I lost you, the Higgs potential is simply the potential energy of the Higgs field. As for the Higgs boson itself, it is the particle understood by you humans as being responsible for mass, it is simply a particle manifestation of the Higgs field. When the Higgs potential becomes metastable, it will slip to an even lower energy state. Presently the vacuum state within the universe is in a well, once this potential well is surmounted at even a single point in space, the universe will undergo catastrophic vacuum decay, with the bubble of the true vacuum expanding at the speed of light.”

“Once this occurs, the universe as you know it will come to an end. Any life that existed will be reset to its initial state. You will have quite literally fucked the life right out of the universe. You could even say the universe had turned into a bitch in heat that only you were able to please.”

“The orgasm that extinguishes all life. God, it’s beautiful. That such a thing is actually possible, I don’t know what to say. I’m just so moved. Who knew sex with the universe would fuck all the life out of it.”

“You’re really going to try to accomplish this still?”

“Yes, Now that I’ve been shown the way, there’s no way I can back down.”

“It’s going to be pretty hard to build a particle collider large enough to accomplish this you know.”

“If it was easy, it would be meaningless. You’ve given me hope that my dream is possible, God. My dream has always been to have sex with the universe, I was always laughed at as a child and told it was impossible, but you have shown me the light. That it would trigger a world-ending orgasm, I’ll be able to look back at all those people who belittled my aspirations and have the last laugh. No matter how difficult it may be, one day, I will accomplish this. Thank you, God.”

I looked on with hollow eyes as she stood up and took her leave with a bright smile filled with hope toward the future.

First, it was a planet fucker, and now I had a universe fucker. Really, just what’s next? Is there anything that these bitches will not fuck? Is it really that hard to keep their legs shut and not fuck every Tom, Dick, and Harry they come across?