Consultation 57.

“God, I love music. How do I make love to music so it feels good too?”

Somehow, it feels like it’s been a while since I had one of these.

“Vibrato.”

“What?”

“I said vibrato. A lot of it.”

“Sorry, I’m not quite understanding, God.”

“You say you love music and you can’t even understand what I mean when I say vibrato?”

“I know what vibrato is, but how does that help me make music feel good too?”

“Vibrato results in the climactic moans of music. Do I really need to explain something so simple to you?”

“Can you please elaborate?”

“Tch. Do you want to know why it’s called vibrato?”

“Vibrato is a word with Italian origins whose meaning is to vibrate. It is a musical effect consisting of a regular, pulsating change of pitch. It is used to add expression to vocal and instrumental music. Vibrato is typically characterized in terms of the amount of pitch variation and the speed with which the pitch is varied.”

“That is the perfect textbook answer, as expected of a musician who memorized the definition off of Wikipedia.”

“God, get to the point, how does vibrato help me with my problem?”

“Haaaah. Vibrator, duh. What makes a woman moan? A vibrator. Vibrato is to music as vibrator is to women.”

Her jaw dropped, “It was so obvious! How did I not notice this correlation sooner? Have I been living under a rock this entire time?”

“Yes, you’ve lived a sheltered life as an innocent pure musician after all.”

“But God, what if I want to feel good while also pleasuring music?”

“What instrument do you play?”

“Violin.”

“Then it’s pretty easy. Learn to hold your bow properly with your vaginal muscles and also how to retract it and expel it with your muscles alone. You then just need to hold the violin in front of you with one hand and vibrato with the other. In this manner, you can make love to music while music makes love to you, your violin and bow will act as the intermediary for your descent into degeneracy.”

Her body trembled uncontrollably as she burst out, “I’ve seen the light, God. This is truly a marvelous way to make love, one of which I’m certain the world has never seen before. If this is done correctly, music theory itself may experience the breakthrough of a century. I can almost see it now, public musical performances that aim to not only please the listener but music itself. We love music, thus we must make music love us back in return. It is the law of equivalent exchange, it is only fair that we strive to make each other feel good rather than being the party who one-sidedly receives everything.”

“Haaaaah,” I let out a disinterested sigh after the musical pervert finished with her enlightened speech about the new fetish she’d developed and said, “. Yeah, whatever you say. Now that you’ve got what you wanted, please scram before your degeneracy starts rubbing off on me.”

“I’ll be on my way then. Thank you, God.”