This conversation was confusing and did not conform to his memories. He was now questioning how reliable they were in the first place. He looked into his father’s eyes and kept silent.

His memories from when he was a child were hazy at best. He remembered the feelings more than everyday events. Only major moments were clear.

Had his father ever directly showed his hate? When he was pushed down the stairs wasn’t it Ping An, who told him his father was the one responsible? He didn’t investigate or question her words.

Animosity developed over the years but had they ever talked about it. Father got most of his information from his mother. Would she tell the truth to either of them?

This was giving him a headache.

Did his mother gaslight him?

His heart started racing. Why couldn’t he remember his father being cruel to him? At most he remembered his apathy. He didn’t engage with Bai Wei or him.

Bai Tao’s cruelty and actions were explained to him by his mother. He tried to keep his breathing steady.

Bai Tao was looking at him. His lazy mood from before turned to concern.

Bai Li felt like he was going to dissolve. Beatings. Starvation. Screaming. Isolation. Those were his mother’s tactics.

Wasn’t he constantly told he had work hard to compensate for breaking up their family?

Had his father ever said confirmed that Bai Li’s injury was the reason he left.

“Answer a question for me.” Bai Li’s Voice was small. “Do you have plans to separate from mother?”

Bai Tao crouched in front of him. Holding onto his hand. They were large and warm. “I decided it was best that we separate. I have already moved out most of my things. Your mother told me she would talk to both of you about this.” Bai Tao’s voice was calm. His fingers rub circles against Bai Li’s hands trying to soothe him.

He started crying. It wasn’t his fault. Last time it wasn’t his fault that their family broke apart.

Ping An’s and Bai Wei’s resentment shouldn’t have been directed at him. He deserved none of their anger or scorn.

“She told me, that both of you and your sister were aware that I was leaving. That you didn’t want to live with me or visit, preferring to stay with her. This is what we have been arguing about recently.” Bai Tao’s voice was angry. By now he probably realized he had been lied to. “That is why I was so shocked when you came to see me. Not to mention this document. I heard you were barely keeping up in classes at school.”

Wasn’t Ping An who told him not to do too well. Not to look like a threat or attract too much attention. If she had done this to him. What did she do to Bai Wei?

In his last life, his mother and sister were extremely close. More like sisters than mother and daughter. His sister would tell their mother everything.

She molded him into a vicious dictator that loathed his father. What had she shaped Bai Wei into? A murderer?

Bai Li’s stomach turned. He tore out of the chair, grabbing the trash can by the desk. He vomited. His body was shaking.

There was a buzzing noise in his ears. He could hear his father calling his name but it sounded like he was far away. A large, warm hand rubbing his back.

During the past, in his personal life, how much of it was real and how much was created?

“We need to go to the hospital.” Bai Tao moved to grab the phone.

Bai Li grabbed his hand. They couldn’t leave the house without alerting his mother and he was more sure now than ever that he didn’t want anything to do with her. He had to get Bai Wei away from her as well.

He couldn’t let go of what happened, but he was sure she was a victim just as much as he was.

Did his father know how long he spent hating and resenting him?

Bai Li had seen the perfect life he built with his new wife and son. He’d wondered why he wasn’t good enough. Leaning forward he dropped his head between his legs.

“Son?” Bai Tao was panicking. It was unusual for him to be anything but in full control of a situation.

BaI Li took a deep breath. What was he getting shaken for? Didn’t he already know how cruel his mother was? He lived through it in his past life.

He had just blamed it on his father without finding out the truth. Didn’t he promise himself to live differently? This didn’t change anything. His father had committed his fair share of sins.

All his relationships would be based on the present. He owed that much to himself and the people around him. He would even offer his mother a chance. Though he doubted it would lead to anything other than disappointment.

“I’m fine,” he said his voice hoarse. He wanted to go back to his room and just sleep. “Bai Wei should be separated from mother as soon as possible.” That was the best thing he could do for his sister. Their relationship would have to progress slowly from there.

“Bai Li,” his father called gently with a serious tone. He kneeled on the floor, his face dark. “We need to get you to a doctor.”

“Father, by now you have probably realized that mother isn’t being forthcoming with you. She treats us well now, but I doubt that behavior will continue once you are gone.” Bai Li looked at the man who was the spitting image of himself once he was older.

“I approached you after considering that mother isn’t mentally stable and you dislike me very much.” He held up his hand cutting his father off when the older man tried to speak.

“For as long as I could remember mother told me to stay out of your way because you hated me. That if I attracted too much attention you would hurt me. I heard this over and over again. She locked me in my room for three days with no food when I brought home a B+ instead of a C.” At the time she told him it was for his own good. That Bai Tao would hurt him if he was too promising.

When he found out about Bai Fang in the future it justified his mother’s words. How could Bai Fang inherent if he was in the way? If he showed his potential too early his father would have dealt with him.

He was a child then. Yet that didn’t stop him from feeling stupid for believing her. This was more true after he stopped believing she had good intentions towards him.

Why did he never doubt her words about Bait Tao?

It was clear his father didn’t know how to interact with him, but since he stepped into this office there wasn’t a single sign of hate or disgust. No harsh words.

Only a man trying to understand someone he had no commonalities or contact with.

There were a lot of things he wanted to say but they wouldn’t come out. Was it because he was in a child's body his emotions were all over the place? He had more control as an adult. Puberty wasn’t being kind to him.

“Was it us you were avoiding or our mother?” he asked. Already knowing the answering but unable to stop himself.

Bai Tao remained silent. The answer was evident. There was hesitation on his face. Several times he opened his mouth but only to close it. What comfort could he offer?

“Silence is an answer in and of itself.” He stood up and walked to the chair he sat in before, he slumped down. His father hovered nearby.

“I am tired and have a lot to think about. If possible can we continue this discussion later?” A hot bath and sleep. He needed to refocus his mind before he continued this discussion.

Resting his head on the back of the chair he spoke with his eyes closed. “Grandfather hasn’t been feeling well. Send Bai Wei to him tomorrow. Mother won’t be happy, but will have no choice if you say you want Bai Wei to cheer grandfather up.”

His original plan was to cut off all his relationships with these people, treating them as strangers until he finished school.

A part of Bai Li wanted to still do that but another part realized he might be shortchanging himself from developing healthy relationships with his family. Without his mother’s influence, what would their relationship be like?

Even his grandfather. Wasn’t it, his poor performance that led to his grandfather favoring Bai Fang. Unable to decide which of them would be a suitable successor.

If he had straight A’s at this point would it even be up for debate? Both Bai Wei and Bai Fang were doing well in school.

With a sigh, he stood up. His father’s tense silence was unnerving and was making him wearier. He recognized the look on Bai Tao’s face. It was guilt. He had seen that same look in the mirror so many times.

It always came when he wondered what he could have done differently for the people around him.

“I have always loved you and your sister. Your mother and I...our relationship wasn’t always like this. At the start we were happy. It wasn’t a love match but we respected each other. I can’t tell you how proud I was when you were born.” Bai Tao’s voice was quiet. Both of them ignored the smell of vomit in the room.

This was news to Bai Li but it changed very little. “You have to tell and show people you love them. If I don’t experience it, how will I know it’s there?” He was too emotionally drained to have this conversation.

This conversation needed to stop but the words just rolled out of his mouth. “I can’t tell you how it made me feel to see you standing proudly with your hand wrapped around Bai Feng. I couldn’t help thinking that should be my spot. Why wasn’t it me? Did I do something wrong? Then mother would whisper in my ear that it was because I wasn’t good enough. I had no reason to believe that it wasn’t true.”

This happened in the future. Bai Feng graduated from university. Both Lee Shan and Bai Tao stood proudly on either side of him.

All the images of his father smiling or happy were when he was with Bai Feng and Lee Shan.

“I don’t think I can smile and laugh, playing house with your new son and woman. Maybe it is small-minded of me and cruel but if I start to like them what will I do with the feeling that kept me going this long!” Bai Li sounded desperate. He hated it.

What was he asking for? Understanding? Love? “Don’t argue with Ping An tonight. I can’t stand the screaming. What kind of crap are you doing in front of your kids?”

Standing he staggered out of the room. He wouldn’t think of anything for a while.