The radio clock says it's been about a 20 minute drive and we were going about 10 miles per hour, what is that? Two miles? What's the formula? Distance is rate times time? 200? 200 what? That doesn't make sense. Does it already take units of measurement into account? Ugh, I don't remember, thanks American public schooling system for actually covering something practical for like one week before moving on. Just enough time to know what we're doing but not enough to commit it to long term memory. Well not my long term memory. Fuckin bullshit bandaid solutions, 'dont teach the kids so they know, teach them so they pass the exam.' Maybe I'm just dumb. I wasn't a bad student but math was never a strong point for me, I had a hard time remembering and applying the right formula. Also fuck fractions.

Well, all I really need to know is that I'm actually pretty close to where I woke up, few miles max, couple miles minimum, and well far enough I wasn't breaking any laws by firing a gun within x amount of yards of a residence, booya.

This... village, I guess, Nunu pointed out is about 300 yards out from the treeline and looks about the size of five fast food restaurants, if you built them in a close clump. An odd way to describe the size, I know, but it's what comes to mind. What the hell I'm really concerned about is why is there a bunch of people living in an outcropping of boulders in the middle of a national forest? I didn't accidentally drive onto a reservation did I? If I did the what kinda Native Americans are they? There aren't any uncontacted tribes in America are there? Maybe it's some sort of traditional ceremony? I'd feel pretty fuckin bad if Im about to drive my truck through a Native American ceremony. Nunu seemed unconcerned, so I'll just park on the outskirts of the place and hope no-one calls a tow truck, heh. Good luck getting reception, can't even get my radio to work.

Driving through the scattering flock of Giga sheep we pull up on two rows of people lined one in front of the other. Maybe 30 in front and 10 in the line behind them. The first line is made up of men in, more or less, the same state of dress and gear as Nunu here; loincloth, body paint, tattoo, hair in varying states, mostly it's fairly long, but a few are cut short or bald. A few have animal pelts adorning them, either draped across their shoulders, or replacing the loincloth in favor of a type of pelt skirt thing. Positively I note, there are no nudists in the first line. All the men are standing casually, like when I first saw Nunu; also like Nunu almost all of them are armed with 10 foot spears, if they don't have spears they have… swords? What the fuck? If they don't have swords they have… sticks? What the fuck? Not thick club-like caveman sticks but like half-inch thick toe-to-hip height sticks. Sticks I'd pass if I were a kid looking for something to use as an imaginary Excalibur to kill waves of imaginary foes, for fear they'd snap in twine mid battle.

As for the other line, all female, they each held fruit in their left hands, an apple maybe, and a rock in the right. They're all dressed in what can be best described as a toga, but differently colored in earthy hues and all have unique patterns on them some simple, others more complex. None of them had hair shorter than their shoulder, a few even having hair long enough they have it wrapped around their waists. Most of them also stood in a casual manner, maybe even an uncaring one, aside from one who held nothing and looked to be among the oldest here; standing behind the line of men, but still somehow drawing my eyes to her while I shamelessly scan the people arrayed in front of me.

I pull to a stop and throw it in park, unbuckle, cut the engine, and watch as Nunu tentatively presses on different parts of his side door and window with a look of consternation. Sighing as I get his attention, then flicking my door handle and gesturing at his, he makes the connection and starts fiddling with his doors, eventually managing to crack the door open and exclaiming in triumph.

As the door opened the group in front of us collectively took a step back, a few men almost brought their weapons to bear, and a couple of the women cocked their hands back, ready to throw their rocks.

Then Nunu jumped out, animated and jubile, talking a mile a minute, and the scene changed in an instant. Smiles blossomed across their faces and low excited murmur sparked through the columns.

I can go now right? This whole thing is pretty uncomfortable for me. The closest feeling I can describe this as is when you see a friend interact with their work friends, so you have to stand around and wait while people who know each other talk about things you aren't quite sure of. I don't even know who this guy is, i wish social obligations didn’t exist. I gotta unstrap Nunus spear too, i don’t think he noticed he dropped it earlier…

Why do these people have spears? Where do you even get a spear? I kinda want a spear now, don't know what I'd use it for though. Eh, people buy stupid shit all the time, maybe theres a layaway type deal too, plus i can use it to impress all the new friends im going to have to make in the near future. might be a bit hard to work into a conversation though, now that I think about it.

Grabbing Freya and throwing the sling over my left shoulder, I open the door and get out of my car. Noticing the movement, a few of the people surrounding Nunu turn to me. A few lose the easy grins on their faces and replace it with looks of slight concern, and others look at me near the same way they look at Nunu, with a small grin. ignoring them, i start unstrapping Nunus spear from my trucks roof. Before I finish I notice Nunu started bringing the group he was talking with over to me. Clamoring down with the spear, I hand it over and stand in a bored daze as Nunu starts once again speaking incomprehensibly with surprised joy in his tone, the people around him also once again start muttering amongst themselves, but now that they’re closer i confirm that no-ones speaking english. weirder still, Nunu doesn't really sound like he's speaking the same language as everyone else, or maybe he's got a speech impediment? He kinda sounds like someone born deaf and learned how to speak, not quite like that, but he seems to drag out his words a bit longer than everyone else.

“Anyone speak english here? No? Alright. Nunu i'm gonna take off, i gotta find a new campsite soon. Far away from y’all. Far away from anyone. Maybe don't walk up on people sleeping in the middle of the woods next time, you never know what weirdos you might meet. Like you apparently. Anyway, uh, bye.”

I reach out for a handshake and regret it, as Nunu grips my wrist with surprising strength and starts leading me to the boulders, as we pass the people that were behind Nunu, the group of women come forward and hand me the fruits they were holding, and still a little shocked by Nunu grabbing me i hold the fruits being handed to me in my left arm. I uttered something like, “hey, what, whoa man, leggo. Hey wh- no i can't take these, oh your giving me more. Seriously i don't want your apples. Ah fuck at least put em in a bag or something, jesus i cant hold them all. Ah, goddamnit im not picking those up.”

Being lead to one of the boulders in the center of the group of boulders I noticed more people about, more men and women, some kids; the place looked lived in, but primitive, like something out of a history book. I remember a time way back in like, third grade my class went on a field trip to a town of pilgrim reenactors. They lived just like people in the 1600’s right down from the handmade clothes, the buildings to the food they cooked, a tall fence surrounding the town, the tools, hell they talked in an odd manner, unless you asked the tourguide to explain something. Is that it? A town of reenactors? Maybe the Native American equivalent of the Amish. This place if fucking wierd and i so am not in the mood to deal with this right now. Nunu probably just wants to take me to someone who can talk to me and say thanks for dropping him off or something, which is fine or whatever but i really wish he’d just forget it, i know i will.

Nunu, who doesn't have his spear again, leads me inside one of the boulders and I take a moment to think of how someone would go about hollowing out a near two story boulder, or why you would anyway, teepees are supposed to be sufficient protection from the elements for the most part, right? Or at least much easier to make than it would be to hollow out a giant fucking rock. Right? Well, what the fuck do i know, i guess.

Nunu gestures for me to sit on the ground, there seems to be a small ocean of animal pelts covering the entire floor, except far side of the rock im standing in, where there sits a fire pit, and the pelt ocean surrounds like the cape of a coastline. I notice small vent holes cut into the wall by the firepit, as well as a large hole in the roof. I move to one of the walls and try to sit down but i have a hard time of it since my arms are full and Freya is hanging off my shoulder, so I drop the apples down next to where i'm going to sit and set Freya leaning against the wall, and set my ass on the carpet.

Nunu, satisfied i'm planted on the ground holds his hand out in a, ‘stay. Good boy.’ manner and leaves me alone in Patrick Star's home. Looking around I notice the place is pretty barren, but i don't really know what i expected, deer skulls and cave paintings i guess, nothing like that though, just the pelts, fireplace, and a pretty confused and fairly annoyed late-teen with a shotgun and some new targets lying on the ground next to him.

I don't wait long, just a few minutes, and a matronly looking woman, maybe in her 50’s, walks in and moves to the center of the room. She’s followed by the even older woman I saw with the welcoming party who follows her to the middle and Nunu, sits down by the door; still without his spear, why does he even have one, seriously? I move to stand but the older woman holds out a hand and says , “pokve funoo” so i stay seated.

The matronly woman touches a hand to her chest and says “Susume ev, wasuwe Vema.” then gestures to the older woman and continues, “co wa ev, wasuwe Cha. bouma woneke shawa-eh.”

“Ah, eh, haa. Hi, Im Vasco Reese, erm, wass-oo-way Vasco. Nice to meet you, I guess, even though you don't know what I'm saying either do you?”

She stares for a moment, then holds a hand open to the older woman, Cha, who reaches into a satchel she's carrying and pulls out a small bottle, about 5 Hour Energy sized and hands it to Vema. Vema inspects it, uncorkes it, and hands it to me.

Call me paranoid but my first thought was ‘don't drink stuff strangers hand you, always get your own drinks’, my second thought was ‘eh, what’ve you got to lose?’ and my third was ‘more than these fuckers.’

I grab the bottle and inspect it myself. Made out of clay, or ceramic, the only deviation from the spherical body is the neck of the bottle. Honestly it's a little too spherical, too symmetrical, if you told me this thing was made without proper tools I would have a hard time believing it, but i suppose if your job was making little bottles all day every day you’d get pretty good at it. but, considering the spears and swords i get a feeling, Amish Natives or not, someone here has a connection to proper civilisation, and weather or not we’re in the woods this is an American forrest so someone has to speak english here. Well, I don't really need to speak to anyone here, if I just phone it in and do what these people want for a little i can probably leave pretty soon. No way they’re gonna keep me past lunch; just a little while then i never have to see any of them again, and certainly not any other person for at least five more days.

I sniff the neck of the bottle and decide its a tolerable scent, like peaches, leaves, and a dash of sulfur, and uplift the bottle over my mouth and try not to taste it by flinging the fluid straight down the back of my throat, a good trick for trying to down rotgut liquor faster than the other people in the room; does not help the next day, however. there is no helping the next day. Of course, I taste it anyway, it's a lot like it smells, but more bitter and cools my throat like cough medicine; it's a flavor a lot of people could get used to, I think. I say ‘thanks for the drink’ and hand the bottle back, and after Vema takes it we sit in uncomfortable silence. Uncomfortable for me at least, all three other occupants seem perfectly content just sitting, Vema with her eyes closed, Cha stares at me, silently judging, i guess, and Nunu grins and stares between me and the two others sort of like a pet waiting for its master to call it over for scritches and a treat. I remember i have fruit with me and grab one of the apples next to me and bring it to my mouth, before I take a bite though, I realize it's not an apple. inspecting it doesn't help, and i can only conclude i've never seen this fruit before. it's got a dark purple skin, close to the red of an apple, and a lemon shape, but a bit larger than an apple in size and gives off a faintly sour smell. I slowly bring it to my mouth, while looking at Nunu to see if im supposed to peel it or something, and when he doesn't stop me, I take a bite. The skin tastes tart, and the meat of the fruit, what's the term? Exo, ecto, meso? Mesocarp? Anyway, the meat of the fruit does taste sour, but it's very mild, and there are seeds like watermelon, but smaller, just placed all over in the fruit. I get about three quarters into the fruit when Vera, no um, Vema? When Vema says, “Well, that should be about long enough.” except she didn't say it in english, but whatever language she was speaking before, I just understood it for some reason.

“Hey, what the hell, why can i understand you? If this is some sort of prank you guys need to learn some chill, we’re in the middle of nowhere, this is way to elaborate to be pulling shit like this this far away from anywhere; if you must fuck with people in the woods all you gotta do is play bigfoot or howl at the moon or some shit, making a rock village and finding a heard of sheep with giantism, and getting a bunch of exotic fruit is a bit extreem.”

“Young man Vasco, (Susume Vas-coo) i cannot understand the tongue you speak, so i ask you listen, and nod or shake your head to answer questions asked of you. Do you understand?” Vema asks while still speaking her language, and very confused by the situation i nod in assent.

“Very good. Young man Vasco are you an associate of Merchant Dane?” I shake my head.

“Are you from Town PakeCrest?” I shake my head. She frowns.

“Young Man Vasco, are you aware of the accord my village and Town PakeCrest have agreed to?” I shake my head. Her frown deepens.

“Chieftain Vema, Boy Vasco has no reason to be in The Wood, ignorance or no he has trespassed on land we are entitled to, no-one else but us. We have been wronged and as such we have no need to follow tradition here, rather a punishment would be more appropriate in this instance.” Che… Cha throws her opinion in what I can only assume is a conversation she was having with the voices in her head, because even if i did stumble on a reservation, it damn sure ain't illegal for me to be here. Maybe. Honestly im not familiar with reservation laws, but i am pretty sure at least.

“Yaung man Nacoo is good man, The Wood confuse, no problems. Add he has intreshing equipment. Send Yang Man away, Mercha Dan visit soon, he take Yaung Man Nacoo.” Nunu chimes in with a grin and nod like he just said ‘we should solve world hunger by airdropping crates of burgers everywhere.’ very helpful.

Vema stares at me for a moment, then starts “Young Man Vasco, would you like to stay as one of our peoples?” I give a ‘what the hell?’ look and shake my head, “Would you like to leave to PakeCrest with Merchant Dane?” I shake my head. “Where does Young Man Vasco wish to go?” I hesitantly lift my hand and point in the direction Nunu and i drove up in. nobody in the room looks happy at my answer.

“Young Man Vasco, you wish to enter The Wood, however, The Wood is sacred, only our people are permitted to use it, else incur The Woods anger, you may join us if you wish, you have proven your bravery at the least, but we cannot give you leave to go into the forest without joining us, else we be punished in your stead.”

What the hell? If i saw this offer on my computer, it would be spam. Proven my bravery? I just woke up. This seems fucking sketchy, and once more im reminded of how little i want to deal with the bullshit of any other human being right now. Maybe I can go around or something, bound to be a road somewhere. I point to the forest and wave my hands around trying to get the point I want to go around across. It seems to work.

“Young man Vasco, going around is an option but the trip is 15 days long for the swiftest among us perhaps you can leave back to where you came from, there is nothing farther into The Wood but death for those who don't belong.” go back where I came from, eh? Thats WHat iM trYinG tO Do yOu AbSolUte PaREnT.

Someone peeks their head through the doorway and says something to Nunu, who turns to Vema and says “Chieftain Vama, Mercha Dan arrive soon, we ask him take Young Man Nacoo.”

Fuck, i’ll just follow this Dane guy for a mile and backtrack to the woods, only reason i dont leave to the forrest right now is some social obligation to not be a douche outright to people. I really wish I'd camped somewhere else right now. The fruit was good though, maybe I can get some more before I leave?