Ooooooohhhh myyyy gooooodd shut up.

Ever since we started down the road this guy just hasn't shut his mouth. I don't even know what he's saying to nod and say 'uh huh' every once in awhile just nonstop droning in a language that sounds like boulders rolling downhill. It's not white noise, it's not ASMR, what it is, is a car alarm at three A.M when you have to be up early for an interview tomorrow. What it is, is a bee flying right up into your ear despite how much head-twitching and arm flinging you throw at it. What it is, is fucking annoying to the point of anger, to the point of contemplating a murder-suicide just to escape the non-stop Chinese water torture I'm being forced to endure…

Yea, I'm exagerating, It's not that bad but I am fucking bored, and the warbwarb I have to listen to isn't helping. Nunu did something similar but it's wasn't so goddamn unbearable, mostly because of how in my own head I was, but also because when Nunu talks it's like grandpa talking, where you just shut up, sit and listen, even though he's told you this exact same story almost word for word a hundred times before, you shut up. sit. and listen.

When this discount Steve Buscemi talks it's like listening to a blender full of rocks, but in slow motion. Almost painfully, and for some stupid brain reason I'm thinking super clearly right now.

Earlier today I felt like a rusted engine, the bed of a garbage truck; now I'm fucking Neo, crystal clear, no headache, no sluggishness. aside from the revulsion of the actual physical muck pressed against my clothes and clinging to my skin, and the ever present pain from my the bruise on my chest and scratches up my legs, I feel pretty damn alright, and I have to spend this rare clarity of mind trapped on a rocky road going below ten miles per hour with one of the most grating human beings I've ever met. I'm not particularly surprised it's kinda just my luck.

He won't mind if I put on some music, I'm sure. Hmm I never know what to play for other people, hell most of the time I don't even know what I'm in the mood for, just set it to shuffle and see what in vibing with at the time. He probably won't like heavy stuff… classic rock? Maybe, the guy's old enough. Classical? Honestly, I'm in the mood to bang my head but classical doesn't sound to bad either, nice and neutral, anyone can enjoy classical, or is it orchestral? At what point does a song become a 'classical' song? I never really understood the dividing lines in the genres of music. As long as I like the song the genre doesn't really matter to me, of course, that being said I am partial to some music over others.

All this to avoid the point that I don't know what song I'm gonna play. So fucking indecisive. Well that's what playlists are for I guess, I didn't spend all that time sorting through thousands of songs to not use the playlists I made.

While using one hand to steer I grab where the auxiliary cord plugs into my car radio and trace the wire to the other end, restarting twice after going too far and dropping the cord, my eyes still focused on the cart rolling along ahead of me. I plug the cord into my phone sitting in the cupholder, practiced after doing this on a near daily basis, unlocking my phone with a quick swipe of a finger, and finding the app with most of my music. Mall cop J sits with his eyes closed and head leaned back as he continues his relentless word vomit, the bastard relaxed as can be despite the discourtesy to the other passenger; this is why I wanted to stop using public transportation.

Looking back and forth between the 'road' and navigating my phone's menus I eventually find the "Classical" playlist and hit shuffle, leaving the choice to RNG.

The music starts, something other than this guy's words to focus on and I could hardly be more grateful for that fact. Better yet, it's a song I know I like... err, someone's waltz no.2 I think, a personal favorite, even if I'm not certain of the name.

…

Hmm?

Ooohh, i thought it was weird i didn't want to grab my earmuffs from the back, my passenger has finally shut up.

Eyes wide, but unseeing, the man whose name i definitely remember sits up and stares hard at the dashboard but its clear he's listening very, very intently to the music. As the music goes on he relaxes a little, but keeps the eery focus on the music. I turn up the volume, and the stalemate goes for another couple minutes until the song ends, leaving the man next to me with a confusing look on his face, a mix of elation and, I dunno, sorrow?

Hmm, i found his weakness. Time to exploit.

I leave the classical shuffle going and try to enjoy the gratingly slow ride and the scenery, the music adding ambiance to the trip, changing the tone of my musings with the tone of the song.

Everything looks off. There's trees, bushes, rocks, hills, mountains, birds, clouds, the goddamn sky itself. None of it looks right. The trees are wide, tall and leafy; where they should be tall, thin and with needles and pine cones. The bushes are wide and flat, with an almost harsh smell, when they should be almost treelike themselves, with leaves that smell like rain in the desert. The rocks, boulders sitting around aren't like the smooth, round, kaki, or grey ones that sat at the bottom of an ocean millions of years ago, they’re sharp, jagged, black with speckled white. The hills and mountains, covered in foliage, and far off in the distance, not the almost sometimes barren looking ones im used to, the ones I drove to and set up camp in. The largest bird you usually see would be a hawk, or maybe if you're lucky an owl or eagle, the birds i see are all fucking huge, too far away to make out what they are clearly but im close to certain they arent any of the ones im used to seeing… should be seeing. The sky… I didn't notice before, and it might just be my cars window fucking with me but… its… got a pink tint to it.

Im struck.

I really am not where I should be. This just isn't my… camp, state; hell, maybe country judging by the weird languages. I really am lost? How?

My stomach drops as a foreboding, overwhelming sense of dread and worry encompasses every inch of me. I grip my steering wheel as tight as I can to ward off the full body quakes that threaten to override my motor function, and try to forget about it; not deny it, just to move on as quickly as I can, so I can hurry up and stop feeling like a child who cant find their parent at a mall.

I can't forget it, i cant move on. Not the same minute i've been hit with the gravity of this weird ass situation. My mind i turns to blame, wild crackpot theories with no basis.

Someone pissed with me at work? That group of people at the pump next to me at the gas station? Mia, irrationally pissed i wouldn't get on my knees and suck that card-carrying-fags dick the moment she diclosed the most unsavory part of her i never knew existed. Could be? One of my jaded parents looking to prove a point? Someone. Someone did this: had to do this. How else? How could you explain this?

My face heats up and no matter how hard I try, I can't hold back tears spilling out of my eyes.

God, before yesterday i can't actually remember the last time I cried. When did i turn into such a wimp?

Why do i feel so helpless? Nothing bad’s really happened yet… I mean aside the bug thing. I'm usually so in control. I know what I want to do, I find out how, and I do it. I just don't know.

I don't know. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I don’t know where. Don’t know who.

I always know. I know what im doing, how i’ll do it, where its going, whos gonna help. And now i don't. Something i do know is nothing good comes from not knowing what's going on, and that hasn't been me for a long time.

I remember im not alone in my car, and wipe my face, almost too embarrassed to look at my passenger, but some morbid curiosity forces me to peak at him.

A creepy smile adorns his face, admittedly I think he always had a creepy face, as he turns to me, tears adorning his eyes as well, giving me a lopsided grin he pats my back and says something in his garble language, then sits back and once again focuses on the music.

Moonlight Serenade, he’s lost in his own world, enjoying the music so much it's brought him to tears. I wish I knew what the hells happening right now.

Whew.

Hehe, what a stupid way to break up the fucking trainwreck that was going on in my mind.

I'm still feeling pretty goobered but I was in a pretty dark spiral for a moment there and the dumbass sitting next to me really kept me from going nutters for awhile. Guess i owe him one, not that i’ll ever tell him that.

I try to zen myself as much as I can for what seems a short while, until eventually, many songs later the man next to me taps my shoulder trying to signal something past the cart blocking the view in front of us. I’ll just assume what he means on my own. Breathe in, breathe out. I’ll get to the bottom of this. I don't know now, but I will.