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Chapter 4: Twisting Fate

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I’m not going to claim to be propelled by a righteous cause or a desire to do good.

That would be false; a bold face lie!

I’m driven by fear!

Fear that the instincts of my infant mind are inclined towards shaping my psyche to wards a personality of a slacker; which would then mean the end of my personal freedom as all life decisions would be made for me by the family heads.

Fear; it turns out is a powerful motivator!

Fear allowed me to overcome the aversion to tempering with the psyche of my infant mind; Twisting the Fate the genes had written, and creating a new uncharted destiny for myself. I became the captain of this rudderless ship and though my actions are undoubtedly amongst the worst of criminality I feel justified in having avoided the leisurely fate that would have made my life meaningless. Having died so that my infant self can be born I won’t accept a life unworthy of the sacrifice it took as payment to set this young heart beating. The life I paid for with my previous life must have meaning.

I must prove worthy in this life!

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So how did I do it?

How did I defy my fate?

How did I override genetics?

FEAR!

The answer is fear.

The answer was always Fear.

I’ve committed a sin; I’ve made my infant self afraid.

Afraid of the light, afraid of the darkness, afraid of the shadows!

Afraid of everything!

Just afraid.

That is my sin; my heinous crime against the innocent.

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I understood that a game would not work. That the only way to override genetics was to tap into even more powerful genes; activate a primal form of genetics that is capable of overriding whatever tendencies the Infant Mined had preferred. Therefore to break the will of the infant psyche all I had to do was make the infant mind experience constant terror. When the infant psyche experiences fear it will become the predominant facet of the infant consciousness; never knowing peace.

I had noticed that repeating mantra while my infant mind is asleep filters through to periods of consciousness, and that became the method for attacking the infant psyche of my infant self. This method is imprecise and is akin to dropping cluster bombs because the after-effect will be embedded psychological landmines that will persist long after my adult mind has fused with the mind of the infant Novid Ollo. What I’m doing is creating scars that will shape my infant psyche in unpredictable ways.

It can’t be helped; this is the only method available to me.

I theorized that since a mantra filtered through to the infant mind emotions and images could also filter through. Thus I flooded the sleeping infant mind with fear; I imagined and remembered all the things that terrified me and allowed myself to feel the fear. The memories of my genetic father who had witnessed the horrors of war are useful in this since even my adult mind was terrified of the imagery; demons of every shape and size slaughtering the innocent and feeding upon their remains. Demonic aura polluting the land; raising the dead who are now more vicious than the demons that spanned and overflow with unending hunger for flesh.

After a few days of bombardment I feel could my infant mind fall into despair; filled with nightmares that tormented the fragile infant psyche. I could feel the walls of the fragile mind break but I did not relent. The torment had to continue until I was certain that the scars were permanently edged on the infant psyche. Proof that the scars were permanent came in the form of changes to the adult mind; my constant terror even within the shield of the Memory Preservation and Transfer Spell was sufficient proof that the infant psyche had shifted, but even then I did not relent.

I should have stopped but I had gone too far; sank too deep into the abyss and could not find my way back. Unlike the memories of my genetic father I am the infant Novid Ollo; I feel what he feel, I desire what he desires. I am the soul of Novid Ollo; we are one. The adult me hadn’t properly understood that I am Novid Ollo, a part of me thought I was still Naru Zuna, but I understand now that the other guy is dead and all that remains is Novid Ollo.

The fear that I induced on Novid Ollo was a double spear that pierced both of us and accelerated the merger.

More of the emotions of the infant filter through and I’m guessing that the reverse is true. I did far more damage than I had intended and it led to the degrading of the infant’s health. Days upon days without proper led to deliria, hallucinations and other unwanted side-effect; ultimately collapse followed. Gvern Healers brought over to the palace saved and sustained the life of the infant son of the Knora Matriarch. My adult mind trapped in a hell of my own creation I was oblivious to the danger faced by my infant self.

I suspect that I was in a coma for at least 20 days and only survived because my family is wealthy enough to afford round the clock care from Gvern healers. I was in some sort of coma and the looks of relief upon my awakening was proof that I had been near death more than a few times. The people looking at my infant body had fought desperately to save my life and I owed them no small measure of gratitude. Indeed I would forever be in their debt.

In my arrogance I had forgotten one of the key lessons of my previous life.

Lesson 5: Don’t Hurt the people who Love You.

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So it’s been 10 days since I regained consciousness.

The Gvern healer who had taken care of me saved my life, and my mind. And I listened in as he explained to my mother what happened.

Apparently I had misunderstood the natural disposition of the Svern. My genetic father belonged to the high ranking military class of the meritocracy that was the militaristic Svern Republic. High ranking officers wanted their children to be exceptional so they used Psionic Magic to drum the playful tendencies out of their children. Done correctly the children grow up to be talented in the fields they join. However such magic should never be applied to those under 2 years old.

According to the elderly healer the subconscious adult like mentality that he has detected in all the Newborns had been the problem in my situation. He explained that I somehow rejected the Svern natural tendencies to be playful and easygoing and performed destructive Psionic Magic on my own psyche. It would normally be impossible for a child to do something this dangerous but the subconscious adult like mentality added a complexity that was unprecedented.

The Knora children of the 17 Arch-Mages were the first to be born so they hadn’t known to be concerned but now that they know they will take measure to contain the subconscious adult like mentality in all the children and prevent it from doing harm. The healer explained that he had been forced to create barriers between my subconscious adult like mentality and my infant psyche. However Psychic barriers are not permanent or absolute.

The healer explained that the damage to my infant psyche could not be undone and I would always be fearful. Where other children will be running free with reckless abandon I would always me worrying about a lurking threat. I would never be truly at peace and my sleep would always be populated by nightmares. I would be afraid of venturing away from the protection of family and would perpetually feel insecure. The only cure being erasing my memories, but that held the risk of leaving me as catatonic shell.

According to the elderly healer the Svern living outside the Svern Republic were primarily builders, smiths and crafters. The natural disposition of the Svern was towards following their curiosity; doing only what interested them.

I had been a fool; an unmitigated idiot!

I would not have been a slacker; I would have been a normal Half-Svern.

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My sister Ovis is confidently on her feet and walking while I on the other hand have grown weaker.

I’m not gonna make the same mistake again and try to keep up with Ovis; I’m gonna go at my own pace.

I’m afraid of being alone so there’s always someone with me; a guard, attendant or teacher.

Mother has sent for teachers; 2 Knora 2 Gvern and 2 Vnora. Apparently finding out that I could somewhat understand the all the other languages inspired her to have me and my sister properly learn the Knora language.

Looks like I’ve opened the geek route since I’m too afraid to do anything other than stay at home where it’s safe and read books. My life plan has to be readjusted to the new realities I’m faced with.

I can still somewhat influence my conscious mind but I’m restricted to positive emotions.

I really should be thankful to have a second chance instead of worrying about trivial matters. I nearly died without knowing what would happen to my Soul.

From here onwards I walk the safe path.

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