Idly, he watched as his Double dispersed into multi-colored motes of light. Then, wiping his brow, or trying to with an arm that was far too drenched for the task, Solon resentfully glared at the scarecrow’s decapitated head. It was resting just a couple steps away from his own sprawled form, but he found out he no longer had the energy to close the distance between them. All of his body felt sore, including some muscles he hadn’t even known were there.

‘Freebie Hunting’ my ass!

The scarecrow, inanimate as it was, had fallen from whatever intangible strings had been holding it in the air easily enough, after he had somehow managed to snap one of its arms off. After that, though, its body had proven sturdy beyond belief. It had taken both him and his double what had to be tens of minutes -but felt more like hours- of arduous pulling, twisting, stomping, huffing, and puffing to finally dismantle it.

For all of his efforts, not only was Solon dead tired, he was also covered in all manners of scratches and small cuts. Whatever the scarecrow was made of, it was certainly no ordinary wood, cloth, and straw, even if that was exactly what it looked like. Whenever he managed to scrape something off of it, the bits would explode, the ensuing sharp shards painfully lacerating his flesh...

Truthfully, although he was starting to resent his confinement, he could only feel grateful that there had been no one else to witness the rather disgraceful sight of his and his Double’s naked, portly forms wrestling against a lifeless doll, and almost being forced to tap out of the fight.

Thankfully, the System seemed to have finally acknowledged the scarecrow’s ‘defeat’, just a few moments before his Double expired. Not like that had made him all that happy. Perhaps it was only his own annoyance speaking, but he couldn’t help feeling like the echoes of the discordant fanfares that punctuated that small victory seemed to be mocking him.

Quest: Modicum of Help(1)-Freebie Hunting! completed!

Level up!

As he read the words, Solon found himself frowning. He had been ignoring the implications of most of the things he had seen so far, but...

Skills and Quests are one thing, but ‘Level up’? Seriously? Shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder...

Turns out those crazy people who said reality is a computer simulation were right, and now some asshole updated the software, I guess?

His frown deepened.

Let’s just hope I ain’t on the NPC side of things-

Another clamor of fanfares interrupted his thoughts.

Congratulations on successfully completing your first Quest!

Bestowing Reward!

There was a painful flash of white light -which was quickly getting old-, then, as if it had always been there, he found a cream-colored object resting on the ground, right in front of his eyes. In exchange, the remains of his mighty foe were nowhere to be seen.

No fucking way...

“I’ve no idea why I was naive enough to expect anything different... ‘Guess this is my ‘Fancy Weapon’?” With some bitterness, he glared at the ceiling above his head. “Fucking asshole!”

Flatteringly, one could say his new possession looked pretty sturdy. Otherwise, it was just a plain old fucking wooden pole...

Whatever.

Despite everything, he found himself chuckling.

It wasn’t exactly what he had been hoping for, but it did seem to be solid enough to make for a decent blunt weapon.

After catching his breath, he reached for his fancy staff, using it to help himself to his feet.

“’Guess it could be worse?” A smirk curled his lips. “I mean, I, for one, would rather not get bonked with such a mighty piece of wood!”

Honestly, it did feel quite good in his hands; just tall enough to rely on for support, if need be, and just thick and heavy enough that the grip felt comfortable. Inspecting it from up close -its polished grain was actually quite striking-, he found a small set of runes, engraved near its center. Again, they seemed to have a different nature than both what he could see floating in front of his eyes, and what had been written on the ceiling. Actually, they vaguely reminded him of Elder Futhark -which was another writing system he couldn’t remember having known of, but now was magically present in his mind-, but he found he could naturally understand their meaning all the same.

‘STICK X IS’

“Why, thank you, captain obvious!” Despite himself, a smirk curled his lips. “I almost mistook you for a bazooka!”

Naturally, the stick had no answer for his jab.

A sudden chill reminded him how he was still confined in some arcane white room, naked, and with no company save for an ominous dark gate, an aspiring piece of firewood, and... a few things that were better not spoken of. Whatever the case, it probably meant he didn’t really have the leisure to be fooling around. Then again...

Giving the room a cursory glance, and finding no new changes in the last few seconds, he could only scratch his head.

“Now what?”

The question was intended to be rhetoric, but it seemed like the System begged to differ.

New Quest acquired!

Quest: Modicum of Help(2)-Living!

O Hunter, prepare thyself!

Objective: Check your Status. Allocate your resources.

Reward: Fancy clothes.

“’Fancy Clothes’? Let me guess, burlap? rags?”

His eyes darted around with suspicion. Of course, he wasn’t really expecting to get an answer but, then again, neither had he been, just a moment prior...

Sadly, the System no longer seemed to be in a talkative mood.

After a few moments of silence, he sighed.

”Well, it was worth a shot. Alright, so... checking my Status,”

Perhaps he wasn’t the brightest tool in the shed, true, but he had played videogames aplenty, not to mention read a handful of novels, and already starting to believe himself at least half crazy... In other words, he had already tried summoning a Status, Menu, Character Sheet, etc..., pretty much as soon the System had revealed its presence to him. Obviously, it’d been to no avail.

“How-”

Unlike his previous attempts, however, as soon as the thought came to his mind, a bunch of text deployed before his very own eyes.

“Oh.”

Name: Solon Zabalo

Nature: Human?-Mortal

Level: 2

Class: -

Titles: Rifting Detritus

Affinities

Elemental

Air: -

Earth: -

Fire: -

Water: -

Free points: 10

Ethereal

Kismet (Fool): 15 (+2)

Quintessence: -

Traits

Abyssal Adaptation

Abyssal Mapping

Abyssal Metempsychosis

Denizen of the Lower Realms

Skills

Idol of the Fool (Kismet):

Fool me twice! (I)

Free Skill points: 1

As his pupils scanned the floating words, a growing frown marred his brow.

“Ohhh, ‘Metempsychosis’? ‘Kismet’?” He snapped his fingers “Yup, makes a ton of sense to me!”

Suddenly, his eyes darted at the white panel above his head, his face morphing into one of indignation. “Really, what the bloody hell is this!?” He clenched his jaw. “Just leave it to my luck! Reality decides to go batshit crazy on me, gives me a status sheet, and it doesn’t even have the decency of at least picking some game system I’m familiar with! How am I supposed to know ho-”

Title: Rifting Detritus

When two Interdimensional Beings of Eldritch Chaos really, really love each other, they tend to call upon an Unfathomable Stork to bring their affection to fruition. This is mostly unrelated to you, except for the fact that the Abyssal Rift that swallowed you whole probably came to be when they wildly bumped uglies. Either that or your home dimension was naturally collapsing. Probably.

In any case, surviving the journey does deserve a reward!

Effect:

Grants Trait: Abyssal Adaptation.

Trait: Abyssal Adaptation

Grants partial access to the Compendium, via a customized interface.

Grants the ability to understand, speak, and read all languages registered in the Compendium.

Increases Kismet Affinity by 10%.

Grants Trait: Abyssal Mapping.

Trait: Abyssal Mapping

Uses Abyssal Superimposition to grant a conveniently designed interface that automatically tracks the position of all entities within a fixed radius.

Trait: Abyssal Metempsychosis

Triples your passive regeneration while meditating on Emptiness.

#$%&$%&/%##

Trait: Denizen of the Lower Realms

Grants access to Divine Quest System.

“Damn, that’s pretty convenient...” Somewhat mollified, though still resenting the asshole hiding behind the system, he reread everything a few times, just to make sure.

“...Jeez, what’s up with all these lame-ass descriptions? And, more importantly, why the fuck is there a question mark at the end of ‘Human’?”

A sigh escaped his lips.

“No. Let’s leave that for future me... ” Shaking his head, he took a deep breath, trying to focus. “Now, ’resource allocation’ is it? How do I go about that?”

Sadly enough, the System’s cooperative mood seemed to have come to an end, for there was no answer.

He cupped his chin, considering exactly what to do.

Just willing things clearly wasn’t enough, since his Status showed no changes, no matter how hard he focused.

Hmm maybe...

After a few moments, and failing to come up with any other ideas, he tried just touching the runes, or rather the space they seemed to be in.

Much to his surprise, his awkward gesturing in what he suspected would look like empty air to anyone else, actually ended up working.

Skill: Fool me twice! (II)

Feel shame. Bring shame. All the same!

Effects:

(I)-Sucks to be you!

For a Small to High Od and Small Stamina cost, create a controllable Ethereal Body Double of Caster. An Ethereal Body Double is a physical construct that mimics all of Caster’s parameters, including appearance, auras, boons, and ailments, but see their Vitality increased by a semi-aleatory factor, depending on initial Od density and Skill level.

Ethereal Body Doubles are unable to make use of active Skills.

Ethereal Body Doubles expend an Insignificant to Tiny amount of Od per Breath, depending on exertion, and will automatically disperse upon depletion.

Ethereal Body Doubles can be dispersed at will by Caster, refunding a part of the Skill’s Cost.

(II)-So long, Suckers!

For a Tiny Od cost, Caster can freely swap places with any of his active Body Doubles. This effect cannot be prevented.

Cooldown: 25 minutes.

Currently active instances: [0/3]

He stared at the new text. “One moment, you have an inexplicable temper tantrum during a meeting, the next thing you know, you can quasi-teleport. Go figure...”

By that point, if his next Skill ended up summoning invisible, pink unicorns, he wouldn’t be half surprised.

After trying to, for a while, it turned out he couldn’t use his ‘free Affinity points’ anywhere, no matter what he tested. And, after a moment, the System seemed to believe he was done.

A set of familiar fanfares once again let itself be heard.

Quest Modicum of Help(2)-Living! completed!

Bestowing Reward!

With another flash, his reward appeared, suspended in midair.

Solon was left completely speechless by the sight. Then, he resentfully glared at the ceiling. “Come on, asshole! Where’s your manager!? I want a refund! No fucking way I’m wearing that!”

Sadly, there was no answer; his ‘Fancy Clothes’ just kept quietly floating in front of him.

The ensemble was something he was familiar with, even if he couldn’t quite remember ever having seen one in person. Indeed, the rambunctiously colorful suit and jolly horned cap were pretty much unmistakable.

Item: Fool’s Motley (Soul-Bound, Unique)

Fashion and comfort rarely see eye to eye. Then again, that seems to be none of your concern. Wearing this abomination boldly declares you don’t care for either!

Worn as a set, grants +10 to all Affinities.

Self-repairing.

Self-cleaning.

Bound to Solon Zabalo.

“Damn, that’s, like, six levels of stats...”