[How do you feel when you love someone who does not love you back?]

Ooooooh boy. Right from the get-go, a prompt that raises many embarrassing memories from the depths of my soul. Memories which I hysterically tried to forget, oppress, shut down, lock away in the farthest reaches of my inner self…

I suppose I’ll begin with a humiliating and shameful confession: I was once a hormone-driven teen. Yes, I know, it’s shocking. For the magnificent Faebyen to have at some point been a senseless idiot that couldn’t suppress their urges and instincts…it’s unthinkable! Yet, true.

When I was young and stupid, many good-looking classmates (who acted at least a bit mature) had the power to send my heart aflutter with the acknowledgment of my existence in the form so simple as a mere conversation! It was a stressful time when I constantly questioned how others saw me, if they found me funny, if my hair was to their liking… Ughh. Remembering those times will cause me to empty my stomach.

Anyway, how did it feel to love…to have a crush on someone who didn’t have a crush on me(which was every crush)? Horrible, obviously! The feelings generated from knowing you want to spend time with someone who doesn’t care about you are enough to crush you! It’ll leave life dull, monochrome, hopeless, depressing, and lifeless! Nothing will have value because that great-looking person you kinda know doesn’t share your same feelings! DAMN THESE INSTINCTS AND HORMONES! Ahem…*those. THOSE instincts and hormones…I’m surely past them by now…………………… :’(

Unfortunately, no. It did not end. I’m still packed full of hormones, giving me urges I’d rather live without. Fortunately, I have matured to such an extent that I can mostly control myself. No, don’t get the wrong idea! I don’t mean that I might pounce on someone if I don’t get a good grip on myself. I mean that I can’t control my heart—literally. If someone too good-looking to be true is nearby, it’ll beat a lot faster than normal, my face and ears will flush, and my eyes will wander in their direction. IT’S FRUSTRATING AS ALL HELL! WHY CAN’T I COMPLETELY IGNORE HOW OTHERS LOOK?!

Well, it’s too bad, but there’s nothing I can do about it…there’s no way to change it. At least, that might be the case? I’m still not very old, so things might just get better as I physically mature? It still doesn’t matter to me, though. After all, I have gained mastering over the mind to the extent that no illusion such as beauty can fool me from seeing another’s character. Despite quite enjoying looking at beautiful people, I can live without them—I am nigh immune to the halo effect (the “halo effect” is the tendency for a positive impression of something, like beauty, to influence one’s opinion in other ways, like assuming that the beautiful person also has a good moral character).

Oh yeah, one of the many realizations that assisted me in overcoming my limitations (being swayed by beauty) was the fact that even if I manage to obtain the friendship, or even capture the heart, of someone extremely pleasing to the eye, that there are many factors that could potentially make them an eyesore. For example, I value intelligence. No matter how beautiful the person, if they can’t think for themselves and/or process logic, they’re not even worth my time. I just won’t bother with anyone like that, and to my dismay, there are many such people in this miserable world of ours! UUUUGGGGHHHH!

Beyond intelligence, if the person of great beauty has no similar interests as I, then what is the point of spending time with them? To stare at their face?! NO! They must at least enjoy reading and playing video games! Those two concepts are the foundation, the building blocks, the lifeblood of my entertainment! Without those…what even is existence?

Long story short (TLDR), I was once cringy and lustful, but have since successfully gained control over myself and raised my standards (almost too much! I’m gonna die alone Dx).