Chapter 5: Adventure time!

One has to admit it, of all the places where I took a shit in this world, the confession booth of this church tops them all, I can really say it took a heavy load off me. Besides the surprisingly comfortable confession booth, this church gave me many pleasant surprises, such as an entire room full of books and maps; finally I obtained an idea of where the hell I am and where to go!

Unfortunately, since I could not decipher the weird looking books the church-people left behind, at least not in the forty-eight seconds I spared them, I decided to set them on fire like any other good Samaritan would in front of such wicked looking arcane texts. I even left a “No need to thank me ” note on the metal door of the library, kind and humble, that's who I am.

The armoury left a deeper impression on me, rows of neatly organized plate and chain armours, swords, war-hammers, spears and even what resembled a wizard staff. The shaft was made of silver with golden runes scribbled all over and a beautiful red gem on top. As I tried to touch the staff, definitely not hoping I could start shooting off light beams while shouting “Take my lazer!”, my hand hissed on contact to the staff, I could see a line of smoke rising from where my hand had touched the staff with blisters already forming. “Not cool.”

"You definitely shouldn't have done that." I went a little bit back, took a mighty war-hammer and swung it at the staff who fell powerlessly to the ground. “Not so tough anymore, huh!” I kept swinging the head of the hammer where the crystal intersected with the golden staff, and after reducing me to a huffing sweaty tired little piece of shit, the crystal finally detached from the staff and I could collect it, after spitting one last time at the headless staff.

I wanted to bring one of the giant amours with me, however, tens of thousands of war simulations never prepared me to how heavy those fuckers were.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. The library I had left on fire had somehow spread the flames to the whole church, how was I supposed to know fire could spread from room to room? Was the note I left the Templars still ok? Honest to Sol'har, I did try putting out the fire, if pissing on the burning statue of a god could not count as firefighting then what could?

In the end, with much regret, I was forced to leave the premise of the church. My mood heavy, probably weighted down by all the money I had stolen from the charity boxes, the loot was seriously heavy; these homeless orphans were so lucky, who ever gathered charity money to support me, eh?!

Jokes asides, as I left the plaza I could see the bald, the ugly and the handsome paladins rushing towards the church. I decided to wait and see what they would think of my work, Mr blue puppy eyes kneeled to the ground and started crying upon noticing the hanged woman swaying with the wind as the fire tried to catch her. Baldy just stared at the scene with disbelief painted all over his face, from the trembling lips to his wide open eyes. The last paladin rushed to the flames while shouting “High inquisitor Haley!”. Two minutes after he entered the flaming hell I was pretty sure he had died, flames aside, no human can survive that long without oxygen. Bored of the show I left the plaza and wandered the streets hoping for some inspiration, however...

'I'm officially bored of this city', the empty husk of Marle could give me nothing else, the people were either gone or dead, the once vibrant with life streets were now animated only by the wind dancing amidst the ashes or howling through the broken houses. I officially left the city through the northernmost gate, purposelessly to check if I could find any survivors to travel with, unfortunately, the only living soul I found belonged to a jackal trying to loot a house, upon seeing me he somehow thought he could rob me.

Silly boy, after side-stepping his first punch and smashing a brick on the side of his head, I poured some man-eating bacteria in his eyes, I thought of it like karma, since he could not recognize an untouchable, it was my right to take away his sight. As revenge, he later on spread stories about me and gathered men to hunt me down.

Nah, kidding, after seeing how well the bacteria worked I stomped his skull until my boots produced a squelching sound, who knows when a person might come back to bite you in the ass. Rule n°1 when you do something bad, leave no witnesses, if you kill them, go after their families as well, children can grow into unexpected existences when fuelled by the desire for revenge.

Finally i left the city upon a horse i had found in a stable, poor guy had been left all alone.

In the next few weeks I followed a map of this kingdom to various farming villages. While during the day I would tell the story of how the church had spread diseases in the city of Marle as an excuse to execute people and gain power, during the night I had fun spreading crops destroying parasites and other nasty viruses.

And so my fun-tour in the kingdom of Barlone begun.

In the small town of Selene, I poisoned the wells with a stock of altered cholera: Poor infected people would spray infectious “liquids” from all of their orifices, leading to death by dehydration.

In the village of Rayleigh, I spread flesh-eating bacteria inside their food storages. As you ate the food, the food ate you back.

In the village of Sturm, I gave hundred of cows rabies. Hundreds howling pieces of cattle mooed while assaulting their previous masters, the scene reminded me of the great bull run of Pamplona, just with four-meter tall cows instead of bulls.

My latest addition to my adventures was the pyre I had joined today, after killing all the children in an orphanage and pushing the blame on the head of the institution. I assisted on the swift hand of social justice as the angry villagers dragged the poor guy to a pyre and burned him alive, the fun part was I had laced the wood with an experimental substance, its poisonous green vapours would probably kill most, if not all, of the people who were at the pyre. Ass-holes killed an innocent man, they should be ready to be punished.

I noted down all my “karmic visits” inside my trusted diary, keeper of my secrets and dreams, like the one I had the other night. I was back to my real home, my beloved girlfriend lazying around on the couch as I cooked dinner; suddenly I was no longer cutting vegetables, celery was substituted by a heart as I kept chopping; I turned around and found her standing behind me, her eyes empty like the hole in her chest where the heart was supposed to be, still oozing blood. She only muttered one soundless word I could deduct from the way her pale lips moved. “Why?” And that's when I woke up.

I laid down on the grass, the sound of the first houses waking up to vomit blood barely reached my ears, but did not manage to catch my attention. I gazed upon this alien sky and felt nothing, I remember doing this often as a kid, just laying somewhere and wonder what more was to the world, counting the stars, looking for comets or UFOs, a sense of wonder and hope filling me as my immagination wandered the void. Now it felt empty, as if the magic of the stars had been sucked away, or maybe it was me that had become blind to it. To distract myself I decided to check my progress.

[509.821] [64.000] [5980]

As a smile was forming on my face i suddenly heard something move behind me, 'Shit, if anyone sees this...' "Who is there?!" I yelled, however i never would expect to see him. "M-my Lord!"